If you have been abused or hurt in the past, here is some advice:
1. Never pretend it never happened - when something comes up that reminds you of that event, it could cause post-traumatic stress. Accept what happened to you. Talk about it to a trustworthy friend and talk about it to God. Let God heal you.
2. Never keep reliving it, that will destroy your life and bring you down.
3. If you had been physically scarred from the event, never engineer an accident to cover it up, it will make things worse.
4. Never feel ashamed that these things happened to you, what others do to you is not your choice, but theirs. The ones that did these things to you are the ones who should be ashamed.
5. Never feel that there is something wrong with you or that you are any less of a person because if it. There is nothing wrong with you because of what someone else did, and you are not less of a person because of it. Change the things you did wrong to others.
6. Never feel that it was right that these things happened to you. It is wrong that these things happened to you. Accept that it was wrong. It is never right to abuse or hurt anyone. There is a difference between discipline and abuse.
7. Never harbor bitterness. Forgive those who wronged you, ask God to help you forgive them, and also know that you have been forgiven of any wrongs you have done, because Jesus died for that. Forgive others the way Jesus forgave you.
8. Know that God will work all things for good, even the evil things that were done to you. Put your faith in Him, and later on it will be revealed to you. The evil that was done to you and how you were healed can be an encouragement to others, and help them heal.
9. Never blame yourself because these things have happened to you. It was not your fault. You may have done things requiring discipline, but if others abused you, that was their choice, not yours. If you get into the habit of blaming yourself for the evil that was done to you, or feeling that it was right for it to happen to you, you may get over the past, but in current situations when evil happens to you, you will continue to blame yourself or think that it was right for you. Sometimes it takes someone to bring it to your attention if you are doint that. Listen to that person and change from that. It is unhealthy to do that.
10. Move on with your life and make good of everything, and use it to encourage others.
Matt 6:14-15
14 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. NKJV No one person can sin against us as many times as we have sinned against God. God forgave us of all of our sins by dying on the cross and taking on more pain than we ever have, so we should fogive those who hurt us as God forgave us. That is the only way we can heal from our hurts, then understand that God will work all things that we have been through for our good.
Forgiveness is not pretending something never happened to you, it is not thinking that what happened to you is right or that "you deserved it". Forgiveness is accepting the wrong things that happened to you, and knowing that these things were wrong or that "you did not deserve it", then you decide to not hold any hard feelings or bitterness against that person who did it to you, and still love the person and accepting that the person can go to heaven if they repent. It is giving that person a clean slate even though you know that they wronged you. It doesn't mean that you have to go back to that person and set yourself up to be hurt again, or to trust that person. It means that you hold no grudges against that person. Forgiveness is the only way that you can heal from the hurt that a person put you through.
When we forgive our abusers after accepting that it was wrong, accepting what happened to us, and talking about it and getting our feelings out, we also promote good tissues to grow. Those good tissues will heal the wound. Our forgiveness is the good tissues that has healed the wound. We have to nurture new good skin and treat it with care. When we forgive, that is the new good skin. We nurture it by not taking back the bitterness, even when we are tempted to do so. We nurture that new skin by constantly reminding ourselves that we have forgiven our abusers. We become able to talk about our abuse without feeling pain after a while. As we continue to nurture that good skin, we have faith in God that He will work out all things for good. That faith allows that skin to strengthen and become strong and healthy. We start sharing our stories and our victories to help other victims, we start making a difference, and we become joyous because of the healing we brought on others and the skin on our wounds cannot be broken.
There are so many benefits of telling your story. Here are a few of them:
1. Abuse is devaluing. Talking about it is a declaration that you and what happened to you really matters.
2. Your experience may have been denied by others, and maybe even denied by you, but telling your story acknowledges the truth. It’s difficult to deny your abuse once you’ve revealed the secret. Telling the truth ke...
eps you honest with yourself.
3. If you were threatened not to tell, telling helps to overcome the fear of breaking the secret.
4. The secrets you hold actually hold you, keeping you captive to the abuser’s power. Telling is a way to break free from the bond the secret created between you and your abuser.
5. Shame thrives in secrecy. Talking about your abuse helps to cast off the shame, both for yourself and other survivors.
6. Releasing the secret in this area helps you live more freely in other areas.
7. As long as you’re holding onto the secret, you’re also holding onto the pain. Sharing helps you access the feelings associated with your experience so you can release the pain.
8. Abuse is isolating. Telling is a way to connect with others. Having feedback from others heals the pain of isolation and makes support possible.
9. Telling may help you recover new memories and/or help you to see old memories in more detail. Telling the truth often leads to more truth.
Whenever we experience a traumatic event in our lives, like abuse, the easiest thing to do at that time is to hide it or pretend it never happened. This can happen for many years. Somewhere down the line, something will trigger the events in our minds and we will have to face them. When that happens, we may go into an emotional shock of some type, or a nervous breakdown. We should never try to shove that out of our memories, we should accept that these things have happened to us. It may be more painful at the time, but the acceptance of it is our very first step in healing.
Many times we hear from other people "Get over it!". Most of those people have never experienced the deep emotional wounds that abuse leaves. They do not understand that it takes time to heal. Our wounds do not start to heal until we treat them. We may have hidden these wounds for many years, but they are still there. The healing process begins when we start talking about it and going through the emotions behind it. Those wounds hurt. If we pretend they are not there for 30 years, they are still there 30 years later. When we talk about it and accept the pain we went through, that is the first step in the treatment of the wound. Many who have not experienced this type of wound does not understand. You cannot tell a deep wound to stop hurting and expect immediate results. It takes time for that wound to heal and the hurt to diminish.
Once we have accepted the abuse that happened to us, the next easiest thing to do emotionally at that time is to try to justify it, or to find a reason that we deserved it, or a reason that it was right. Emotional pain is easier if something was right than if something was wrong. This is not a good way to deal with the pain abuse leaves behind, because doing that will lead us to justify abuse on others, and can lead us to abuse others. We cannot justify abuse, abuse is wrong whether it happened to us or it happened to others. We have to accept that what happened to us is wrong, even though it is emotionally harder at the time to do that. Abuse leaves deep wounds that take time to heal, and we have to heal properly. Deep wounds can grow unhealthy and dead skin deposits around it, we must clean out those unhealthy deposits in order to promote healthy deposits to form, and that creates more pain at that time. We must accept that pain to heal properly, that means accepting that we have been abused, and accepting that it was wrong for us to be abused, and accepting that we were wronged and violated.
After we have taken the first step in the healing of our deep wound, we have to accept what has happened to us, and accept that it was wrong. Hiding our deep wounds allows bad tissues to grow on it that will make the wound even more unhealthy. Telling someone "Get over it!" is promoting the bad tissues to grow. For a wound to heal, the bad tissues have to be removed so that healthy tissues can grow. When we have accepted the abuse that happened to us, then the next step is to accept that it was wrong that it happened to us.
When we try to cover up the pain by convincing ourselves that we deserved the abuse, we often allow bad tissues to grow on the wound as well. Those tissues can be infectuous tissues, because it can spread and cause us to abuse others. We also get in the habit of convincing ourselves that we deserve every bad thing that happened to us. Even when a tornado hits your house, you may find a reason that you deserved the tornado hitting your house. We pattern that. Sometimes it takes someone else to point that out to us in order to see us patterning this. We cannot accept that abuse was right for us, nor can we believe that we deserved it. That promotes infectuous tissue to grow on our wound and our wound will not heal. Those bad tissues have to be removed in order for good tissues to grow.
The next step for healing after we have accepted what has happened to us and accepted that it was wrong that the abuse happened to us is to forgive. The deep emotional pain that comes with being a victim of abuse at this point prior to forgiveness is overwhelming. At this point, we can become very bitter about what happened to us. We can relive those events over and over again, and that will keep us down and can ruin our lives if we continue to do that. We may think that we need to do that to get our feelings out, but it really gets us no where. The deep emotional pain brings deep bitterness. In order for our deep wounds to heal, we need to forgive and let go of the bitterness. This may be hard to do because the pain is so great, but we must understand that even though we have had very terrible experiences, that Jesus died on the cross and suffered much more than we ever have in order to forgive us of our sins, so the least we can do is to forgive our abuser. We need God's strength to do this, but when we forgive our abuser, we will feel a huge burden lifted off us and we will feel much healing. The forgiveness is what closes our wound, and this wound cannot be closed without forgiving our abuser.
Once we have forgiven our abusers, been able to accept what happened to us and accept that it was wrong and been ok with it, then our wound is closed. Now the new skin on that scar must be strengthened in order to prevent reopening. That process starts with having faith in God and having faith that God will work out all things we have ever been through for good (see Romans 8:28-30) - that includes the abuse you have went through. The ways God will work these things out for you will come later. God will give you ministries, help you encourage others, give you a heart for others who have been abused, or even encourage others who are facing trials. You will have a much better understanding of what it is like to go through abuse and the emotional trauma it produces. You will recognize others who have been abused. You will have a great peace with your past when you realize that your past has become a blessing in the end, when you find out how many lives have been changed as a result of your experience, encouragement, and the ministries you will have on others. You will feel extremely blessed that you have been abused and been able to experience the abuse - that does not make the abuse right, and it is still wrong that you have been abused, but you will have a great peace because of this. You will be a stronger and a much better person as a result. Have faith in God and He will make these things happen.
When you have forgiven your abuser and let go of the bitterness, your emotional wound will be healed. You may be tempted to take back the bitterness and unforgive the abuser, this may occur often especially immediately after forgiving the abuser. If this occurs, take those thoughts captive, constantly remind yourself what Jesus did to forgive you and remind yourself that you have forgiven the abuser. If you take back the bitterness, then you will reopen the wound that was already healed, and you will have to heal all over again. The more you take those thoughts captive and remind yourself that you have forgiven the abuser and let go of the bitterness, the weaker and weaker the temptation gets, and your healing will be stronger.
Many times when we have been abused, and we try to hide it, we go into a survival mode where we become like robots, we just exist physically and are completely empty inside with no feelings. I had this happen to me when I was in my teens. My emotions did not function after what I have been through. I just existed, I did not feel. I was polite to others, but had no feelings, and when my memories were triggered, it was so overwhelming that I went into a complete breakdown. If you are being abused or mistreated, talk to someone. Don't remain silent, don't keep pretending like it never happened, or this could happen to you. I did heal and my feelings got restored, I became a tender hearted person who loves others and wants what is best for them. God restored my heart after I had accepted Jesus Christ into my life and I had been able to exist as a person again rather than a robot. I used to be called "Robot Rod" at one of my work places, but now I became a caring, loving and compassionate person through the work of Jesus Christ in my life. I have been restored as a person.
Facing the truth of your abuse is very difficult, but very necessary. Accepting it, not being ashamed of it, and knowing that it was not your fault of the choices others have made to do mean things to you, then knowing that you are no less of a person because of what someone else did to you. Understand that you did not deserve the abuse and it was not right for someone to abuse you. The main key to healing from abuse after you realized these things is to forgive the abuser. Forgiveness is the main tool needed for healing, without it, you cannot heal. Also remember, God will work all things for good when you see Romans 8:28 as a reference to this. Having faith and trusting in God to do this very thing is the last step in healing, and you will find out how God can use you from what you been through, and that will become a great joy and blessing.
Rodney Calmes
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