Why We Self Harm

Why We Self Harm

Statistics show that approximately 1/4 of the people have at some point engaged in Self Harm.  Why do people hurt themselves?

Here are some reasons:

1.  "I deserve to be hurt!" - when we have faced abuse, bullying or other forms of trauma, the residing pain can be overwhelming.  Convincing ourselves that we deserve it can help us ease that overwhelming pain at the time.  This often leads us to hurting ourselves to confirm that.

2.  Hurting ourselves is our way of justifying the hurts that were inflicted on us.  Justifying those hurts makes us feel better about what happened to us.

3.  We are familiar with hurt, it doesn't seem right when we are not hurt, so we do it to ourselves.

4.  Makes us feel better, the release of endorphins elevates us, and relieves stress, and helps us feel like we are on top of the world.  These endorphins can be more addicting than Crack Cocaine.  We became addicted to a drug that our own bodies generated from hurting ourselves.

5.  We are unwilling to face the pain inside of us, so we hurt ourselves to try to hide from it. 

The following are NOT conclusive reasons people hurt themselves.

1.  Even though "Legion" who were many demons that possessed a man and caused him to cut himself with stones, we cannot conclude that a person who hurts themselves are demon possessed.  The account of Legion is in Mark 5.

2.  They are not Christians and are living in sin. 
Matt 7:1-2 - "Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.".  We cannot judge others.  We ought to walk in their shoes first before we judge them.

3.  They are doing it because they want to live in sin.  Anyone who doesn't want to help the person can come up with a reason like this.  Before we draw conclusions like this, we ought to look into what happened to the person.  Love them, support them, and minister to them with the love of Christ.

Do's and Don't's

1.  Don't say "What is wrong with you?", or shame them in any way.  Instead ask "Can you tell me what happened to you?"

2.  Don't alienate them or kick them out of the church/family or punish them.  Instead, listen to them.  Listen to their body language.  Love them, support them, and pray for them.  Let them know that they are loved. 

3.  Get them to talk about the pain they are dealing with. Ask them what is happening.  Let them know that you are there for them. 

4.  Don't say "Get over it!", this only discourages them to talk, and makes them feel belittled inside, it will also discourage further communication and cause them to withdraw. Instead, encourage them to talk more, it can help them process what happened so they can accept it, forgive, and can help then cope, and adjust to it, and can help them give that burden to God.  This is where healing can begin.

5.  Don't threaten them, but provide a non-threatening environment so that they can feel safe.  The safer they feel, the more communication you can get from them, and the more effective your ministry can be to them.  Allow them to unload their burdens.  Listening to them can go a long way with that.

The more you promote them to talk, the more you can learn from them, the more you learn, the more equipped you will be to minister to them. Pray for them.  Share Jesus' love with them. Be an example of Jesus' love for them. 

Be patient with them.  Traumatic events can take time to process just like deep wounds take time to heal.  Give them the time they need with lots of love and support.  Be patient with them and comfort them. 

James 1:19 - "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;"

Galatians 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all."

Too many times, people who call themselves "Pastors" have hurt these people further rather than helping them.

I hope by sharing this, that we can work together to provide a more supportive and healing environment for those who are hurting rather than hurting them further.

Rodney Calmes

Narcissists And Sociopaths, What The Bible Says About Them

Narcissists And Sociopaths, What The Bible Says About Them

Characteristics of narcissists and sociopaths involves the following:

1.  They are very selfish, even at the expense of hurting others.

Phil. 2:2-4 – “fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let NOTHING  be done through SELFISH AMBITION or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

1 Tim 3:1-5 – “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be LOVERS OF THEMSELVES, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!”

2.  They exalt themselves no matter what it takes.  They will go as far as ruining another person and the person's reputation to make themselves look good.

Luke 18:14b – “for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”  See v.9-14

3.  They look good on the outside, and will have a great reputation to the point where no one believes their victims.

Matt. 23:25 – “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence.[a] 26 Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.”

The Pharisees also had a great reputation on the outside  (which was the outside of their cuo), but they were full of all kinds of wickedness  (the inside of their cup)  does this sound like some narcissists you have experienced?

4.  They are master manipulators, and will go as far as destroying their victim's confidence, esteem, and even their very being to get what they want.  They will have their victims doubting their own selves, doubting their abilities, and doubting their own perception and feelings to gain control over their victims, and make their victims depend completely on them.

1 Peter 5:2-4 – “Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly,[a] not for dishonest gain but eagerly; 3 nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; 4 and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.”

Matt. 20: 24’26 – “And when the ten heard it, they were greatly displeased with the two brothers. 25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them.26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant.”

Luke 11:46 - “And He said, “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”

5.  They revile their victims by humiliating them, degrading them, putting them down, calling them names, and all other forms of verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

1 Cor 5:9-10 – “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,[a] nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, NOR  REVILERS, nor extortioners WILL INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 – “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Matt. 5:21-22 - “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause[b]shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.

6.  Many will use physical violence on their victims.

Psalm 11:5 – “The LORD tests the righteous,
But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates.”

Proverbs 14:16-17 – “A wise man fears and departs from evil,
But a fool rages and is self-confident.
17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly,
And a man of wicked intentions is hated.”

James 1:19-20 – “So then,[a] my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

7.  They are unrepentant. When their actions are called to the table,  they will deny their evil activity, and convince others that it was their victim's fault. They will also go as far as rounding up numbers of people and use those people to try to convince their victims that the abuse never happened.

1 Timothy 4:1-5 – “the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, SPEAKING  LIES IN HYPOCRISY, HAVING THEIR OWN CONSCIENCE SEARED WITH A HOT IRON, 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. 4 For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; 5 for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.”

Luke 13:3 – “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.”

Narcissists have their consciences seared, and they are unrepentant.  These scriptures show that unless they repent, they are headed for hell.  Having a seared conscience, which describes a narcissist, they don’t see anything wrong with what they do.   They do all kinds of evil, appear to look good, and their conscience is so seared, that they will not see the evil they are doing.  They will lie to cover up their evil deeds and think nothing of it. 

Many of us have been hurt by narcissists, and facing them can feel like facing the devil himself.  God knows who they are.  God knows what is truly going on.  They may fool men, but they cannot fool God.   God will give them their justice.

If you have been hurt by narcissists,  I will pray for you.  It is in God’s hands, and if you accept Jesus into your heart and put your faith in Him, God will be on your side.  God is with you.  God will also lift you up,  He will heal you, and He will bless you.  You will also be a blessing to others.   Your testimony, and your story will bless others.  

God loves you,  and I am praying for you.

Rodney Calmes

What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

Many people want to do what is best for a person, and may say or do things with good intentions, but some of these may end up re-victimizing them instead of helping them.

How does a person re-victimize a person who has been abused or suffered from a traumatic event?

1.  “Get Over It!”- with good intentions, people may say this and try to prompt the person who has been traumatized to move on to different things and try to change the conversation to talk about something else.  A person who has been traumatized needs to process the trauma by talking through it and be heard and understood when doing it.  If the person cannot talk about what happened, they are unable to process it and thus unable to heal from their trauma. 

2. “It wasn’t that bad!” – often this is said with good intentions because the person ministering believes that if they can get the person who has been traumatized to believe it wasn’t as bad, it could make it better, but it ends up making it worse.  The traumatized person knows how bad it was, and are lead to believe that the one ministering to them doesn’t care to understand and doesn’t care to listen to them.  It hinders them from talking about it, and gives them a sense of being attacked.  This also hinders healing because it also hinders them from being able to process the trauma they have been through.

3. “It was the times!” “It’s normal for that to happen!” – Some forms of trauma can be common in some periods of time or in some cultures.  The minister may normalize it with the intention to make the traumatized person feel better because “everyone went through it”.  This has very similar effects as “It wasn’t that bad!”.

4. “It’s in the past, leave it in the past!”, “Let it drop!”, “You need to forgive and forget about it!”.  These are things said with good intentions.  When you get a flat tire and are late for work, you can get over that one quickly, and it is harmful to keep holding on to it.  Getting a flat tire and being late for work is a normal event.  The best thing we can do to deal with normal events is to just drop it and move on.  Traumatic events are much different.  Traumatic events are life changing events that have changed the structure of the brain permanently.  A person who went through trauma is like a person who had their leg cut off.  They have to live with the effects of it for the rest of their lives.  You can’t just forget about it or just drop it when you have to adapt to the changes it made.  Letting the person talk about it and processing it can help them adapt and heal from what happened. 

Doing any of the above 4 things even with good intentions often re-victimizes the person and they internalize it, and makes them feel like there is something wrong with them because a traumatized person cannot do the things listed above, and cannot heal if they try.  When you do the above 4 things mentioned, you are tearing the person down. You are doing nothing to build them up or encouraging them.  You are also forcing them to bear the burdens of their trauma alone. 

What the Bible says about it:
Luke 11:46 – “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”

Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

James 1:19 – “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”

What should we do and how can we apply these verses.

1.  Instead of saying “Get over it”, “Let it drop”, or “Leave it in the past”;. We ought to listen to them.  The Bible promotes listening.  Understand them and let them unload and help them process their thoughts.  Ask them more about what happened to help them unload more.  Let them know that you are there for them.  Let them also know that Jesus is there for them and that He will walk with them through this.

2. Understand that trauma is horrible, and what happened to them is horrible.  All sin is horrible in God’s eyes.  Understand that even the particular event that the person went through can have different effects on different people.  Some may be traumatized by it and others may have weathered it.  Just like 2 houses don’t get ripped apart the same from the same tornado. Saying that it “wasn’t that bad” is like saying that the tornado never did any damage to the torn down house.  If 10 houses got torn down from the tornado, it doesn’t make that particular torn down house any better. The same goes with culturalizing or normalizing the trauma.

3. Help them take the baby steps needed to recover. Each heals at different rates.  Be patient with them.  Lead them and guide them with a spirit of gentleness (see Galatians 6:1).  Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.  See Galatians 5:23. Provide a non-threatening environment for them, and it can promote healing and their neurological pathways to reroute to help them function better through it.  Pray for them and anoint them with oil if you feel lead.  James 5:14 – “ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”

4. Keep them in prayer, encourage them, and build them up.  Love them, see 1 Cor 13, anything done without love is meaningless.

For more information on how trauma effects the brain and to become Trauma Informed, check out www.echoparenting.org or check out Helping Hands Resource Center on Facebook.  Karen Gonzalez is the founder.

Rodney Calmes

One Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Often Involves Multiple ACE’S

One Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Often Involves Multiple ACE’S

Many of us who have seen ACE studies has been exposed to the list of 10 know ACE’S.

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

10. Did a household member go to prison?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Here are examples of how one ACE involves multiple ACE’S.

ACE #1 involves any of the following:  swearing, insults, put-downs, humiliation, or threats.  Often carried out with anger.  Many people who experienced ACE #1 have also experienced ACE #4, because ACE #1 leads to ACE #4.  In many cases,  when anger gets heated,  it goes from verbal abuse to physical abuse, which is ACE#2.

Here are common models illustrating this point.

Model 1:  A child does something that irritates the parent  (often without knowledge).  The parent reacts by yelling and screaming at the child.   It often involves many of the things listed in ACE #1.  Then they hit or spank the child and may say "This will teach you a lesson!"
or may say "Knock it off!", etc. 

In this case,  the child may have 3 ACE’S from being brought up with this model.  ACE #1 - Verbal Abuse, ACE #2 - Physical Abuse, and ACE #4 - Feeling Unloved or Not Supported.

Model 2:  The child does something that irritates the parent,  the parent hits or spanks the child then responds "What is wrong with you?"  or "What in the hell is the matter with you?"  or "Your Naughty/Bad!"

In this case,  the child also may have 3 ACE’S.   The first was ACE #2-physical abuse,  the second was ACE #1-Verbal Abuse, which often leads to ACE #4.

Model 3: The child does something undesirable,  often without knowledge.  The parent spanks or hits them,  then explains why they got spanked and says "When you do this, you are being stupid! (or naughty!, or bad!)".  This can also involve ACE #2, then ACE #1 - which the quote illustrates, and can lead the child to feel unloved  (ACE #4).   Even if we eliminate the quote, the child had no knowledge of wrong doing,  then got spanked,  which leads to being discouraged,  which can imply ACE #1, even though it was not directly said to them.   This also can lead to ACE #4.

Model #4: The child knowingly does something wrong,  the parent makes the child remove their clothing and spanks them bare butt. 

Butts are sexual regions.  At times, sexual experiences can be triggered by spanking through neurological and arterial connections, which the frequency of these experiences are increased greatly with bare butt spankings. 

This can be ACE #2 - Physical Abuse, and ACE #3 - Sexual Abuse.  It may not be intended by the parent to make anything sexual from it, but it doesn't change what the child experiences.   The results can be as detrimental as being blatantly molested.  

ACE #5 and ACE #4 (neglect and feeling unloved) can go hand in hand.

ACE #6 (divorce) and ACE #4 (feeling unloved) cab go hand in hand,  especially when Parental Alienation is involved, which happens more often than not in divorce situations. 

ACE #6 often leads to ACE #5 also. Also the frequency of abuse  (ACE #1, ACE #2, and ACE #3) is increased greatly with step parents, because the step parent often doesn't love their step child as their own. 

ACE #7 - Violence Against Mother/Step Mother often leads to divorce,  violence against children,  etc.

ACE #8 - Drugs and Alcohol often leads to many other forms of abuse.   Frequency of abuse of all forms are much higher with drugs and alcohol.  Often leads to many ACE’S.

ACE #9 - Mental Illness has been the culprit of many forms of abuse.   This also can generate many ACE’S.

ACE#10 - Incarnation of a family member can lead to ACE #4 in some cases.   Sometimes prison can create mental illness which can lead to ACE #9.

CONCLUSION:

It would be very rare that if a child has one ACE that there would not be other ACE’S tied in with that.   Many would not realize the other ACE’S,  or may not realize that they even have ACE’S because a lot of the models listed above has been "normalized" because those practices were common.

I hope by posting this,  it could help open more eyes about what ACE’S are truly having an effect on a person,  and more can be done to prevent future occurrences of trauma and better equip those who can help those who experienced trauma to heal, and to minister to them effectively.

Rodney Calmes