The Importance of Teaching Our Children and Working With Them vs. Just Punishing Them For Not Getting It

The Importance of Teaching Our Children and Working With Them vs. Just Punishing Them For Not Getting It
 
When we discipline children, it is best to explain what they did wrong, and also what they can do right to avoid discipline. Not only should we explain what they should do right, but also how they can do it right. If they are not getting it, we need to take the time to explain it to them at their level so that they do get it, rather than punishing them for it. I will give a make believe example to illustrate an example of abuse to a child.

A person gives a 4 year old kid a job, and that kid’s job is to do a head gasket on a car and get the car running right. Every time that kid messes up on the head gasket job, he gets spanked. The spanking itself may not leave cuts or bruises or physical harm, but the kid continues to mess up and get spanked every day until he is 9. The person spanking the kid explains to the kid that he got spanked for messing up the head gasket job, and also tells the kid that if he does the head gasket job correctly, he will not get spanked. The kid keeps messing up even though he knows he would not get spanked if he does it correctly. The kid finally gets it done correctly at age 9 and does not get spanked.

That kid who had to do the head gasket job knew all the long that if he did it right, he would not get spanked. The person in charge thought he was doing well by spanking him every time he messed up. The kid eventually learned after getting discouraged from getting spanked every day. The kid lost all confidence, and gave up in his mind. The kid adapted to getting spanked every day, and accept that as a part of his life. The kid got to the point that he does not care any more, because he was going to get spanked anyway. When he finally figured out how to do the job correctly and does it correctly, he had been spanked every day for 5 straight years. THE PERSON IN CHARGE NEVER SHOWED THAT KID HOW TO DO THE JOB CORRECTLY IN THE FIRST PLACE. AFTER MUCH DISCOURAGEMENT AND REPEATED SPANKINGS, THE KID FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT FOR HIMSELF AFTER 5 YEARS. NOW THAT KID IS EXTREMELY RESENTFUL FOR HOW HE HAS BEEN TREATED, VERY DISCOURAGED, AND HAS NO CONFIDENCE, ALONG WITH FEELING LIKE HIS CARE TAKER DOES NOT LOVE HIM OR EVEN CARE ABOUT HIM. THERE IS MUCH EMOTIONAL PAIN STORED UP IN HIM, AND HE FEELS LIKE HE IS WORTHLESS AND USELESS.

This example I have shared is what many schools have practiced when they accused kids who were not getting it of not paying attention and punishing them for it. Instead of working with the kid and helping him understand and making sure they understand, they punish him, and that kid keeps getting punished on a daily basis. In my day, that punishment came in the form of spankings. These kids keep getting more and more discouraged, and end up misbehaving because they feel that they are going to get punished anyway. They also quit trying in school because no one took the time to work with them and help them, so they got discouraged. The kid would come home and would get punished again at home for the same thing, which brings even more discouragement, and lack of confidence to be able to do it. I myself have experienced this. I got to the point where I did not care anymore. I got to the point of not trying because I tried and could not get it anyway, so I gave up. I am sharing my experiences and how I have felt because of this. I did finally catch on to the point of not being spanked daily at age 9, and at age 11, I caught on to how to do school, and I often did not so good on the first quarter because I had to learn the teacher, then after that did much better.

We need to work with our kids and take the time to teach them, help them and explain things to them, and keep being persistent with them until they understand. This takes time and patience, and if we want our children to thrive, we must do this. Punishing them ultimately for not understanding, and accusing them of not paying attention does not do any good, it only does harm. I also consider that being lazy as well. Not all kids learn at the same level, so we must get to their level and teach them rather than punishing them for not being at your level.

When you take the time to teach a child and explain things to them at their level and work with them until they get it, that will be a great encouragement to the child and will build that child up rather than tear them down. The child will feel more loved and more confident and it would encourage them to try even harder rather than discouraging them. The child will also do much better at their tasks when the are getting it.


Rodney Calmes

　

The Effects of Over Spanking

The Effects of Over Spanking


     Many of us have been spanked, some have had more severe spankings than others, and some had it more often than others. Some it was occasional or rare, some it was daily, or even more than once a day. Some had a few swats with an open hand, and some had many swats with large sticks or paddles, and many had the in between.

     When I lived with my grandparents, my spankings were extremely harsh and damage was done. I was spanked with a 3 foot stick until I could no longer feel the stick hitting me. Half the spankings I got from my grandpa, I did not understand what I did to get spanked, and I did not understand why I got spanked. I was lucky if I went a day without getting spanked like that. I was 4 when I started to live with my grandparents and I was 5 when I got out from there. My grandpa was the type to spank if things were not going well for him, even if the child had nothing to do with that. Example: getting spanked because he was struggling with a rusty bolt and the bolt breaks. He then gives me a spanking and tells me it was for something I did yesterday, and I ask him what did I do yesterday, and he spanks me again for not being able to figure it out. Many times when I got spanked, I was just told “Behave”, and I would ask how I misbehaved and instead of getting an explanation, I would get another spanking and was told to figure it out. Other times I was told “What in the hell is the matter with you?”. I did not learn from these spankings, but I got discouraged, and figured that no matter what I do, I am going to get spanked anyway, so it does not matter.

     When I left my grandparents, I got spankings when I lived with my mother and step dad, but they were not as severe. They learned to explain to me what I did, and as things were explained, I would learn from them.

     I was enrolled in school shortly after, and I was in a school with mentally disabled kids for about 1 year, and the teachers were patient there, and I did not get spanked at that school, but the teachers there recommended a more regular school for me. I got to a regular school, and I did have some behavior issues in school, and often got spanked with good reason most of the time, but many times I got spanked in school because I was not understanding what the teachers said, and I did not know how to ask the questions I needed to get understanding on it, my communication skills were poor, so I got spanked often and was accused of not listening or paying attention. I got spanked daily by teachers until I was about 9. I started to get it, and understand things in school a little better. My communication skills started to get better, so I was able to communicate my questions to get better answers rather than being punished. The spankings I got from the teachers were not spankings that left marks or did any physical damage.

     When the spankings started to diminish in my life, it seemed odd that I was not getting spankings, it did not seem right to me, so I started to seek them out. I got involved with spanking games when I was 10, then started harming my bottom at age 11, but do minor things to it like shoving pins in it, and scratching it hard with finger nails. I gave it a major spanking at age 15, then it got regular at 18 and older with very severe things done to it, leaving many heavy scars. I do remember getting adrenaline rushes from severe spankings as a child, and even though at the time I hated the pain, I did like the adrenaline. That is what got me started with self harm.

     As far as learning, I would not learn from my spankings I got as a child, I just got discouraged. I felt like I was going to get it any no matter what. It got to a point that I did not care anymore. At home, things were very stable, and I did care, because I knew there was a way out. I knew that I could behave in a way not to get spanked, so I did not get discouraged at home, but I got discouraged in school, and learned not to care anymore because I was expected to understand when I was unable to understand, and many teachers did not take the time to explain it to me. I was expected to just get it.

     Harsh spankings can lead to self destructive behaviors, because much adrenaline is generated from it. Use of instruments with a lot of impact that covers large areas damage many nerve endings, and if done repeatedly, it can become permanently very insensitive to pain. That has happened to me. There is also much mental and emotional harm done due to the lack of respect to the child’s body, and a lot of resentment is generated from that. Excessive spankings that leave damage also creates many deep emotional hurts that the child carries for a long time, it could be a course of a lifetime. It also makes a person feel unloved. Causing harm also shows a lack of love or concern for the child’s well being.

     Spankings that do not harm makes a person feel loved, respected, along with expressing concern for their behaviors. It shows you want the best for your child.

     Spanking for every little thing, or spanking for things the child did not do wrong, or lack of instruction for the spanking can leave a child discouraged. When this is happening often, the child feels “I am going to get spanked anyway, so why even try”. I have felt that before. They learn to adapt to getting spanked and accept it as a part of every day life. When the spankings stop, it becomes a shock and something does not seem right. On account of someone who shared with me, she came home one day and her dad decided to talk to her and not spank her, so she cried. Her dad asked why she was crying, and she responded “I did not get spanked.”

     When spankings occur too often in a child's life, especially if it is a daily thing for many years, it can become normal everyday life, and when the spankings stop at some point, it seems abnormal. It has become instilled in the mind that spankings are a normal every day life thing, and we feel like it is a necessity and when a spanking does not occur, it feels like something is missing, to this day, I still feel that way and find myself craving it often. It is very difficult to change that frame of mind. It is similar to us sleeping at night and being active during the day, or we eat 3 meals a day at similar times in the day, those are instilled, and it seems strange when that pattern gets messed up. Anything that is instilled, when what is instilled gets messed up or changes, it is very strange to us.

     The Bible tells us to spank with an instrument that does not do damage, but yet produces a sting. It is to be used with only a few strokes, not many. It does not tell us whether we should do it daily or even more than once a day, or if it should be done occasionally. That depends on the child. The Bible tells us to use it for instruction and discipline, and that instruction and discipline is to teach a child obedience. It is only to be used when a child is willfully disobedient or willfully sinning. If a child willfully disobeys or sins daily, then the spankings should follow their disobedience and willful sin. That would mean the child would get daily spankings. If the child willfully disobeys or willfully sins rarely, then the spankings would only be given rarely. It all depends on the frequency of the child’s willful disobedience or sin.

     The Bible does not tell us to spank when the child had no idea that he/she did something wrong, nor does it tell us to spank for past events either, example: getting spanked for something he/she did yesterday, or a week ago, etc. It is only to be done when the child willfully sins at the moment he/she sins. It should also be made very clear what the child did to get spanked. It should be detailed and not vague. Being vague or telling a child to figure it out does not teach them anything. That only gets the child discouraged.

     Here are a few scriptures dealing with that.

Prov 23:13
13 Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. And deliver his soul from hell.
NKJV

Col 3:21
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
NKJV

Eph 6:4
4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
NKJV

Luke 12:47-48
47 And that servant who knew his master's will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. 48 But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few.
NKJV

     We create many problems by not disciplining our children, and we also create many problems by over disciplining them or become like bad cops - knit picking every little thing. Those things only bring discouragement.

     When we discipline our children only when they willfully sin or willfully disobey, we teach and instruct them with precise and detailed instruction of what they did wrong, along with how they could have done it right, and use spankings that sting, but do not harm, we end up with healthy children who are conscientious of sin. We also must reassure our love for them and our forgiveness for them as well. Jesus died to forgive your sins, so your child should also be taught and disciplined, but then forgiven as well.

Rodney Calmes

The Aftermath from Abuse and Bullying

The Aftermath from Abuse and Bullying

　

Introduction:

Our Childhood years in many ways makes up the foundation of our lives. We must always love and care for our children well. When our bodies are not being respected, and our person is not being respected, it becomes instilled in us to think less of ourselves. From early childhood on, our skills develop. We learn by what we are taught and what is done to us. Healthy children are ones who are disciplined for their sins, but their bodies are respected when disciplining them. The discipline may produce a sting, but does not harm them. They are respected as a person, therefore nothing negative is said about their person. They are never called names, they are never belittled in any way. They are instructed that what they did was wrong, they are instructed about what they did, then they receive their punishment for it, then they are reassured that they are loved. After the punishment, their sin is never brought up again - that promotes forgiveness.

Some of the side effects:

When I was younger, in my first years of life, I had an absentee father, and he tended to favor my brother over me at that time. My mother was a loving mother. There were times I was made fun of and had many negative things said about me by various family and relatives. I may not have understood at the time what was happening. My mother divorced my dad when I was 4, and my dad had custody because my mother was not able to take care of us, so I was left at my grandparents, where I took severe spankings that caused harm. My body was not respected. I was often told “what in the hell is the matter with you?”, which was degrading to me as a person rather than addressing the sin. I went to live back with my mother after then. I was always reminded of what I did wrong, even 6 months after it happened at times. I was told “I cannot believe you did this! I cannot believe you did that!”. It was like a grudge was held against me for a long time after I did things even though I cannot do anything to change the past. Even if I repented, I would still hear about it. These things could be the roots of my lack of social skills as I started to enter school. I became withdrawn, and did not say anything in school. Even when gifts were being handed out to other kids in school, it would be my turn, and I would be afraid to receive it, but I reluctantly received it anyway. I was happy with the gift I received from the teacher. I also had feelings that I was not worth receiving that gift. I also feared being punished for taking that gift. I had a hard time reaching out to other kids, and was withdrawn from them.

My unstable family life and moving around has caused much of my instability in my early childhood years and my early school years. I spent my first year in school in a school for the mentally handicapped. I later on, went to another school for about 3 months where I had a teacher who was not patient with me. She never took the time to teach me things, but expected me to do them. Tying my shoes was the major issue I had. She quick ran through it by showing me quickly without having me do it to learn it, and I was punished after that for not being able to tie my shoes. I missed many gym classes and fun activities from it. Many times I came home crying from school, so my mother put me into a different school. I had teachers at that school who were more patient with me. I was often picked on and laughed at by other kids, which made me feel more worthless. I accepted people being mean to me as normal.

The emotional effects and the inability to accept love and kindness:

The feelings and emotions I had gone through was that I was many times saddened and hurt by the things done to me. I could never talk about them, because it would hurt too much, so I tried to hide them and pretend everything was fine. I had learned not to express my feelings. I figured hiding my feelings would make me feel better. I pretended things were well when they were not. This lead me to become more withdrawn. I hung around with trouble makers because I felt I could never find good friends. I felt trouble makers are better than no friends at all. I eventually came into survival mode and became emotionless like a robot. I just lived to exist. Even though my mother and step dad were loving people, and they loved me with all their heart, I could not develop a real relationship with them. I tried to hide too many things, and was not myself even with my family. No matter how much they tried to encourage me, it did not work.

My mother and step dad both tried to tell me that they loved me no matter what. I would ask them “What if I did this, or what if I did that, or even what if I killed someone?”. I thought they were lying to me. I did not believe in unconditional love, and I was going to prove them wrong. I recall thinking like that when I was 10. I said things about my step dad to make him look bad at times in my life, because I thought he would not love me if I did that enough. I planned to push him to the breaking point, to prove myself right. I also remember instances where I had done mean things to him and had him in tears. I had told him that I hated him, even though I did not. I just wanted to prove that unconditional love did not exist. My mother and step dad got divorced when I was 19 and I meddled with her relationships to see if I could drive her to the breaking point. I eventually got them both to the breaking point, and then I backed off since then. I felt I proved myself right, and I felt there is no unconditional love.

My parents took me to counselors. I had an abusive counselor when I was 10. He never did anything physical to me. I did realize that I had a loving mother and step dad. I did not want to leave that home. He often told me that I was going to a mental institution, and I would never see them again. He told me that he hated me, and that I was going to hell. I would leave crying. I would cry every day for about 3 months thinking I would be taken from my home and never see my family again. My mother got wind of that, and took me away from seeing him. I never trusted counselors since.

I never had any real relationships with anyone. Even when my mother and step dad tried to get me to open up, I never would. I only had a superficial relationship with them. They would share things in their lives or share with me if something was bothering them, but I would never share if something was bothering me. I would try to hide it. When another person tried to show sincere kindness or love to me, I would shy away, and it did not seem right. In my 9-10 year old range, I would do mean things to those who tried to show kindness, thinking it cannot be real. I have also done mean things to others who minded their own business. There was a kid in school that I was friends with and he was also picked on, and I thought I was picked on because of him, so I turned on him and did mean things to him. I regretted that deeply for many years. I became more hardened as time went on. If someone tried to reach out to me, I was unreachable. I sat off alone and never said much of anything. I never thought I was too good for anyone, but I thought I was not good enough for anyone. I was always polite to people and from my high school years forward, I would never hurt anyone. I would do anything I can to help someone, but would never seek help. I would never seek help from others because I thought I would be an inconvenience to them, and I was not worth having someone help me. I felt this way throughout high school and college.

The emotional healing process begins:

When I came to accept Jesus, and read John 15:18-25, I saw that God loved me. I felt I had no one at that time. It was hard to accept that God loved me. I thought “How could God love someone like me? I cannot be worth anything to Him.” Every time I would hear of God’s love, I would cry. I later was able to accept it. I was accepted by people in the church, and that was the only place I could be accepted. I have learned to treasure that. I started to open up. I opened up to my mother and started to talk about feelings with her, and her heart was blessed by that. We developed a close relationship. I developed a close relationship with my maternal grandparents. My maternal grandparents were also very kind to me. I have made pursuits to have a relationship with my dad, but he never had time. I became reattached from my feelings, and got my emotional healing when I gave all the things I went through to God. I was 27 when this happened. I gave it to God and forgave all who wronged me. I also had to understand that God was going to work this all out for good. Romans 8:28-30

The psychological/mental effects, things that were instilled in my mind:

I thought of myself as a worthless human being. I felt I did not deserve anything good. I thought bad things were my lot in life. I felt I was not normal, and inferior to other people. I felt everyone else was better than me, and I would never measure up. I thought that no matter what skill I had that everyone else would be better than me at it. I also felt that I would never amount to anything. I will have to try hard in order to make it in this world. If I was good at something, it did not seem real. Everyone else seems to have it all together, and I do not. I will just be left in the way side. No one will care anyway. I felt that I will never be able to do anything good enough anyway, so the world would be better off without me. I felt this way for a long time. These are the things that were instilled in my mind as a result of the things I went through. I felt it was not ok to be me. I was not acceptable as a person. There is something wrong with everything about me. I am much more sensitive than most people, so I am not worthy of being considered a person.

Self destructive behaviors:

I have engaged in self destructive behaviors, see both my docs on self destructive behaviors, especially “My Roots in Self Destructive Behavior” I was harmed on my bottom, and it became the target of my self destructive behaviors. I felt I deserved the severe spankings I got, so I punished myself the same way. I would then get flashbacks, and try to convince myself all over that I deserved it, and do it again. The vicious cycle kept getting worse and worse, and the things I did to myself got worse and worse. I have many horrible scars from that, and have to face them. I get fearful of locker rooms today because of that. I was freed form the vicious cycle since I was 29, but I still get cravings for it because of my experience with the adrenalines and endorphins. I get tempted with this often and still fall at times. I constantly have to take my thoughts captive and pray to fight this off.

Trust Issues:

Even though, I was accepted by people in my church, I started to open up. I could never open up to anyone before, because of a lack of trust. I would feel that they would feel that there was something wrong with the way I felt, and I felt I would be further belittled. People would have to be careful on how they handled me, if they handle anything in any wrong way, I would have a hard time trusting them again. If someone shared what I told them to another person without my permission, I would never trust them again. If someone showed any signs of harshness, or signs like they don’t care, I would never trust them again. I would take a long time to get me to a point where I can trust someone. Once I trust someone, I can share even the deepest personal things with them. Today, my wife is that person that I can trust. I have also trusted another person, but when my grandpa died and I had an emotional moment, that person said to me “I cannot believe you are not over that yet.”. I felt belittled by that comment and it made me feel like I cannot share anything anymore with that person without being further belittled. Once that trust is broken, I would never open up again to that person.

Unlearning what was instilled in my mind, and relearning how God sees me as a person:

This is a life long process. It started when I was 24 when I accepted Jesus. I listened to sermons on Sunday and started reading the Bible. I have read the Bible several times over, 1 chapter a day. I have learned that God created me, and what He created was good. God gave me my skill and my abilities to the measure He desired me to have, and He gave me what I needed to do His work that He has laid out for me. God gave me my emotions and He created them in me, that is also good. I am a part of the body of Christ. Each part of the body has its own function, so that the whole body working together can build up the church. God can use me to do great things if I put my trust in Him. God created me to be loved, anyone who has not loved me the way God loves me has sinned. God wants to bless me, I will receive the ultimate blessing when I end up in Heaven and receive my glorious body in heaven. Jesus died for me, and paid a precious price to forgive my sins so I can be in heaven. Jesus would have never died for me if I was worthless. I am very valuable and precious. I am not inferior to anyone, God has created us all equal. We are to be loving and kind. God has a purpose for me, and the world is not better off without me. God uses the love, kindness, and compassion I have to cause great things to happen that will have an effect on many lives. God showed me that I was there for some people who may have not had anyone had I not been there. I was fearfully and wonderfully made by God. See my docs/notes “How God Sees You as a Person”.

I had to slowly learn each one of these things throughout the course of my life time. It was very recent that I could accept myself for who I was, and it was like a slave being set free.

Even thought I know these things, there are many bad things that are still planted in my subconscious, and I have to consistently remind myself these things when these negative thoughts come. It will take time before that gets worked out.

As I continue to live my life, read the Word, and pray, I will continue to unlearn bad things and relearn the good things. This will be a life long process.

God has a work for me and has a purpose for me being here. Living my life for God and for others will bring much satisfaction and fulfillment and joy in my life. I get blessed every time I help someone. Every time a hurting soul is healed, I rejoice.

It is only by Jesus that I could have overcome all this and God has taken me where I am at today.

These are my experiences in my life, now I will share a general conclusion of the aftermath of abuse on the effects it can have on people.

Conclusion:

Abuse and Bullying can lead to many negative effects in a person’s life. It can lead to self destructive behaviors. A long time of lingering emotional hurts, a lack of social skill, leading to further bullying, a lack of self worth, negative feelings about one self, inability to make friends and have relationships, being inferior and timid, lack of confidence, depression, feelings of not being loved, feelings of having no one, difficulty of accepting love and kindness, lack of trust, feelings of alienation and abandonment, inability to deal with emotions properly, or becoming detached with emotions and going into survival mode and becoming like a robot.

Any of these things or a combination of many or even all these things can happen as a result of the aftermath of abuse.

It took a miracle from God for me to share these things on the internet, because I had a hard time sharing these things in person with others. I realize sharing these things helps minister to others who are struggling. I was very uncomfortable at first, but God has helped me with that.

If you ever struggle with these things, know that Jesus has forgiven every sin by dying on a cross for you, and when you put your faith in Him, you are forgiven, and completely clean of all sin. I will also pray for you and try to encourage you in any way I can. You are all loved whether I have known you or not, and if you are in need of anything, I will do anything I can to help you.

God Bless,

Rodney Calmes

To Find Healing, We Must Get to the Roots of our Problems

To Find Healing, We Must Get to the Roots of our Problems

When we have Issues in life, we must get to the root of these issues. Whether these issues are emotional hurts from past abuse, negative thoughts about ourselves, self destructive behaviors, or other issues we may have. Just like you cannot kill a weed by killing the body itself, you must kill its roots, or the weed comes back.

We may carry emotional hurts. We may have issues with depression. What is causing these hurts? Why are we depressed? Is it a pattern we have established from being continually hurt?

What about negative thoughts about ourselves? I may think I am stupid. I may think I am a bad person, or I am a worthless person. I don‘t deserve to be loved comes to mind, or it is not right for someone to be kind to me. May be I should not be here, I would be better off dead. I was an accident. I wish I was never born, etc. Where do these thoughts come from? Why do you have negative thoughts about yourself, where did they come from? Who taught those to us? How often were we taught these things? What kind of degrading things were done to us to make us think things like this? Were you bullied? Were you abused? Were these things told to us? How often did these things happen? How long?

How about self destructive behavior? How do you feel about yourself? What is going through your mind when you are about to harm yourself? What went through your mind when you harmed yourself the first time? Are you harming yourself in any old place? Are you harming yourself in a specific place? Why that specific place? Were you told you had a bad part of your body? Was your body not respected when you were punished? Were you as a person being degraded, rather than just the sin? Were you told there was something wrong with you?

Think about all these things. All problems must be solved by getting to the roots and killing the bad roots. How do we kill those roots?

1. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Surrender to His Lordship. Give all your thoughts and struggles to God, vent to God. Also confess your struggles to one another, and any known sin as well, so that they may pray for you.

James 5:16
16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
NKJV

Prov 15:29
29 The Lord is far from the wicked,
But He hears the prayer of the righteous.
NKJV

2. Let God lead you, be in His word. It is by reading the Bible that God will lead you.

2 Tim 3:16-4:1
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
NKJV

3. God has forgiven you of all your sins by dying on a cross for you. No one person can sin against you as much as you sinned against God. Forgive all who wronged you. You will find that much of those hurts will be released and you will find freedom through forgiveness.

Matt 6:14-15
14 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
NKJV

Matt 18:22-35
22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, 'Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. 28 "But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, 'Pay me what you owe!' 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you no also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.
35 "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from
his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."
NKJV

Eph 4:32
32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
NKJV

4. Repent of any known sin. Whether you have done something bad to those who bullied you or abused you, whether you are repeating the sins committed against you toward others. Example: I was bullied a lot by kids in school, but I now have someone at work that has poor work ethic, so my co workers call him “f*** the dog”. Am I participating in that? Am I laughing with the guys when they call him that? Did I start that name? Whether it is done with him present, or in his absence, how did I feel when others ridiculed me and made fun of me? Your hurts may resurface when you find yourself doing that to others. Repent of those sins, turn from them. You may be going through those hurts because you are doing the same thing to someone else. Repent and turn from that. Treat others how you would like to be treated. If your sin is causing those hurts, when you repent, you will be free from them. God will set you free.

5. Know that God will work all things for good. Trust Him. You may not understand why you were abused or bullied, but God will work it out for good. You may not understand what kind of good can happen from that, but you have to trust in God, and later on, it will be shown to you. I would not be running this page or group had I not been abused or bullied by others. I would not be able to encourage people if I had not gone through the things I have gone through. I share my testimony to show you that God can work it out for good. You first have to put complete faith and trust in Him. What God promises in His word, He keeps.

Rom 8:28-30
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who
love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed
to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many
brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called;
whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified,
these He also glorified.
NKJV

6. At this point, we may have found emotional healing, and we have trusted God, but we must now unlearn all negative things that we have been taught about ourselves as a result of the abuse and bullying we went through, and we must come to accept ourselves as a person, accept who God created us to be, and relearn how God sees us as a person. I have posted a doc or note “How God Sees You as a Person”, along with many others. I had to unlearn all the negative thoughts about myself and relearn what God’s word teaches me about myself.

7. God created you to be loved, and it is not right for you not to be loved. Anyone who has not loved you the way God loved you, has not only sinned against you, but what they have done to you, they have done to God. It is right for you to be loved. It is right for people to be kind to you. Accept love, and accept kindness. It may be hard or seem awkward, because many have been cruel to you. It may make you cry when someone is kind to you, but it is right for you to receive love and kindness. Do not shy away from that, you need it. See Matt 25:31-46.

8. Show love, compassion and kindness toward others. Your love, kindness, and compassion will go a long way. You will feel blessed when you make it your goal to love and be kind to another person. You will also find that you will have a great impact in many lives as a result of your love, kindness and compassion.

John 13:34-35
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I
have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all will
know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.
NKJV

9. Accept yourself for who you are today. God did not intend for you to be the person you would have been had you not gone through these things in your life, or He would have not allowed you to go through these things. God wants you to be the person you are today. When you have gone through these steps, you will find that you are blessed and loved for who you are.

10. Go out and minister to others. Help others. Allow your life to be God centered and put others first, you will find yourself being blessed as a result. The world may teach you to put yourself first, but you will only find misery. If you put God first, then others, you will find many blessings.

Conclusion: The general root to all of your problems is sin. It may be sins committed against us, which we need to forgive and let go of the bitterness to be healed. Our own sins can cause problems in our life. We must repent and turn from them. God will forgive us when we repent, and He will restore us. God has already forgiven them by dying on a cross for them. Accept His forgiveness and forgive others the way He forgave us. You will find much healing from that.

God Bless,
Rodney Calmes

WHY WE SHOULD STICK TO BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES WHEN DISCIPLINING CHILDREN by Rodney Calmes

WHY WE SHOULD STICK TO BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES WHEN DISCIPLINING CHILDREN

Biblical correction involves using an instruction, guidance and encouragement to do right, but does not do damage. Biblical correction can allow consequences for willful wrong doing. See my notes or docs “What is Discipline, What is Abuse” and “What Can Happen If We Use ‘Common’ Forms of Discipline (or Abuse) That is Not Biblical”.
Sometimes people stray from the Bible and use harsh punishments. There is always a consequence for that. The Bible respects a child’s body. Using harsher and blunt instruments does not respect a child’s body. There may not have been any records of medical conditions from getting hit on the buttocks too many times, but there has been some physical consequences of that. Here are some of them:

1. Blunt instruments like hard sticks and paddles damage the deeper tissues, damages nerve endings, and causes a decrease in sensitivity if it is done often. In my case of being spanked with a large stick until I could no longer feel the stick hitting me, I had that happen often by my grandparents. When I was getting “normal” spankings from school, and at home, It did not hurt, and I did not respond like other kids. When other kids would be flinching, jumping and crying, it had no effect on me. I would feel it, but it would not hurt, and would not produce repentance. When I was 15, another kid horsing around took a paddle and hit my bottom and it broke, and I never flinched and he looked at me funny, and noticed that I never flinched, and he asked if it hurt, and I told him that it did not. I realize from too many harsh spankings, my sensitivity has greatly decreased, and Biblical spankings after then would not be effective. Just like a tool that gets abused becomes useless when you want to use it for proper use.

2. The deeper tissues that get damaged causes scar tissues to form under the skin. The skin is more resistant to damage than the soft tissues under the skin. Blunt objects damage these soft tissues, and when tissues get damaged, they heal into scar tissue, which further blocks off nerve endings, and if done enough times, it shows through the skin, leaving a permanent discoloration which is a slight brownish, reddish color. It is noticeable, but many would think nothing of it if it were not pointed out to them. Doctors and nurses recognize this, and they find if giving a shot that the skin is extra thick and much harder than most of the surrounding skin, along with it being much less sensitive. They also know where that came from. The term “tanning your butt” comes from that. Many use it when they threaten to spank your butt until it is red, but tanning does not come from the temporary redness, or the term “redden” would have been used. The original term for tanning is to say that it becomes tan after you have received enough harsh spankings over the course of a lifetime.

3. Blunt, sudden, heavy force to the buttocks causes a sudden shift in blood flow, which some of it will to into the genitals, and cause an involuntary sexual experience. This can happen to children as well as adolescents and adults. Adolescents and adults are more likely to recall the experience than children, but it can cause a person to have a fetish (S&M). Most people into S&M have had some form of severe spanking in their lifetime.

4. Anytime skin is damaged, ruptured or torn, it leaves permanent scars. Scar tissue does not perform like the original tissue. To prove this, take a pin and lightly poke a scar on your body, then lightly poke an area of normal skin immediately next to the scar, and notice the difference in how it feels.

The above are the physical effects from too many harsh spankings with harsh and blunt instruments. The Bible never promoted that, and even though getting hit on the buttocks never causes strokes, brain damage, ruptured organs, premature arthritis, or any on going disabling medical problems, it does show cosmetic damage and damages nerve endings if it is done repeatedly. That can cause problems later on when you need to use discipline on your children, and even if you continue harsh spankings, they will eventually not produce repentance due to lack of sensitivity.

Severe spankings do not teach a child any more than a harmless spanking that gives them a sting. They will not learn any quicker by getting severe spankings. There are some mental consequences with severe spankings. I will contrast the consequences of severe spankings versus Biblical spankings.

1. Severe punishment causes resentment. Biblical reproof causes repentance.

2. Severe punishment shows lack of respect for the child and degrades them. Biblical correction respects a child, respects a child’s body, and encourages them to do right.

3. Severe punishment shows a lack of love and concern for the child. Biblical guidance shows love and concern for the child.

4. Severe punishment makes a child think that their body is bad or that part of their body is bad, and also makes them think that their person is bad. Biblical correction shows a child that only their sin is bad, but does not give them messages that their body is bad, nor does it make them think that their person is bad, only their sin is bad.

5. Severe punishment discourages a child. Biblical guidance and correction encourages them.

6. Children feel unloved when being severely punished. Children feel loved with Biblical discipline and guidance.

7. Severe punishment creates many emotional hurts. Biblical discipline creates emotionally healthy children.

8. Severe punishment shows wrath and unforgiveness. Biblical discipline and guidance shows grace, mercy, forgiveness and love.

9. Not respecting a child’s body also teaches a child not to respect their own body, and may cause them to be tempted into self harm. Respecting a child’s body teaches them to respect their own bodies, and they are less likely to be tempted to self harm.

10. Severe punishments destroys relationships. Biblical discipline makes stronger relationships.

Not disciplining, guiding and correcting your children in a positive way also has many negative effects. Children can become unruly and end up hating their parents. It is important to teach your children the ways of God, and to keep as much sin out of their lives as possible. Your children will respect you for instructing them properly.



Prov 23:13-14
13 Do not withhold correction from a child,
For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
14 You shall beat him with a rod,
And deliver his soul from hell.
NKJV

Prov 29:15
15 The rod and rebuke give wisdom,
But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
NKJV

The rod has physical and symbolic definitions.  There are children who can be spanked all day and it does nothing for them.  It is best to find something that is the most effective on your children rather than just resorting to spankings.

Prov 29:17
17 Correct your son, and he will give you rest;
Yes, he will give delight to your soul.
NKJV

Prov 22:6
6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
NKJV

Eph 6:4
4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
NKJV

Col 3:21
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
NKJV

By Rodney Calmes

How We Deal With Our Children Will Have An Effect On Them For The Rest Of Their Lives. Love Can Overcome Many Obstacles

How We Deal With Our Children Will Have An Effect On Them For The Rest Of Their Lives. Love Can Overcome Many Obstacles


You may choose various forms of discipline on your children. The Bible talks about spankings, and if you choose to spank, do it in a way that does not cause harm. A sting to produce repentance is what may be needed, but never harm your children. When you establish punishments that do not harm, always explain to them that they are loved, and expain to them what they did wrong and how they can correct it. Never degrade them, or call them names or say hurtful things to them.

When they ask why they get spanked on their bottom, explain to them that it is the least likely place to cause injuries. That type of explanation shows respect for their bodies along with not causing harm when spanking them. Causing harm shows disrespect to their bodies, and can give them a message that that part of their bodies is bad or that their whole bodies are bad. Doing things that risk harm even if no harm was done at that time - example: hitting in the head, is also showing disrespect for their bodies, and they may be resentful of that.

Never tell your children that they have bad parts of their bodies. God created all parts of their bodies, and each one does their part. All parts God created is good. Never tell them that they are a bad person. God created their person, and it is good. God created their emotions. God created their knowledge and abilities, and it is all good. Their person is good. The sin is bad. You are punishing their sin. After disciplining them, and telling them what they did wrong, and explaining how they could have done it right, reassure your love for them. What you tell your children will have an effect on them for the rest of their lives. Even if it was only told once. Even the things that are not hurtful can have an effect on them for life. Example: I was not hurt when I asked my mother why I got spanked on my bottom, and was told that it was a bad part that should be punished. I never forgot that, and when I was tempted with self destructive behaviors, that was the part that I harmed.

Anytime you give any kind of message that their body is bad or even parts are bad, you may set them up to be tempted into self harm. If you give a message that their person is bad, you may also be setting them up for that temptation as well. Bullying can also lead a person into self harm or suicide. Teach your children not to bully others, and if they are being bullied, continually reassure them of your love, and let them know that it is ok for them to be who they are. Never tell them that there is something wrong with them. If you make them feel that way, they may alienate themselves from you. People pick on others because they are different. Let them know it is ok to be different, and that you love them for who they are, and God loves them for who they are. The only thing that is not ok is sin. Sin needs to be corrected, then forgiven after the correction is done. Do not continually harp on their sin after the correction was done and repentance was shown. The harping only does harm and degrades them, along with causing discouragement, and overwhelming them with excessive sorrow.
If you do make mistakes, be the first to admit them and tell them you are sorry. Never be the type of person who is always right. Being always right can get them discouraged. Saying “I’m Sorry” is not easy, but it does a lot of healing for your children.

Your love for your children will help them overcome many obstacles in life, and if you love your children, they will thrive.

Rodney Calmes

My Roots in Self Destructive Behavior

    My Roots in Self Destructive Behavior

      Every Person has different roots, but the emotional cycles are very similar. I have shared the severe spankings I received from my grandparents when I was 4-5 years old from my grandparents in "My Life Story in Detail". I also got spankings from my step dad and mother, which were not as severe, and my mother would not let my step dad spank me like my grandparents did. When I was about 7 years old, I asked my mother "Why do you get spanked on your butt and not your pee pee?" - these were the exact words I used at that time. My mother told me that my pee pee was a sacred part of my body and should never be punished, or never be touched except when going to the bathroom. I was also told that my butt was the bad part that should be punished. My mother never gave me any harmful spankings, and when my step dad did, she addressed it and after it was addressed, it never happened again.

      Nothing was ever explained to me about respecting a child's body, but in many cases mine was not respected. I was pulled by my ear by the principal, which could have caused permanent hearing loss. I took a swat in the head, which my mother addressed my step dad when he did that along with a swat in the hands with a stick, which my mother addressed right away. A swat in the head can cause brain damage or possibly kill a child, and a swat in the hand with a stick can damage many tendons and ligaments, leaving scar tissue when healing, causing premature arthritis, or breaking bones, causing permanent disability. Anything done to a child that causes harm or risks harm is disrespect to their body. Harmless spankings that produces a sting to produce repentance is also showing respect for their body.

      It is important that we never tell our children that they have bad parts of their body. Any punishment we give them should be harmless and not pose any risks of harm. If we administer a spanking, it should only be done to give a sting, but not cause any harm, and always explain that we love them, and explain to them their sin. We should also explain that we gave them that punishment to teach them not to sin, and explain that it is the sin that is getting punished. Never degrade them as a person, and never degrade their bodies. Never say things like "There is something wrong with you!", "What in the hell is the matter with you!", "You are a f***ing idiot!", or "Did someone drop you on your head when you were born?". Never say things like that to them. I was told that there was something wrong with me, and was often told when being punished "What in the hell is the matter with you?". A good thorough explanation of their sin, and the reason for their punishment is necessary, but also after the punishment is done, a reaffirmation of your love for them is extremely important. Never tell a child that he is bad, I was also told that when I misbehaved. It is very common to tell them that either they are good or that they are bad. Instead tell them that what they are doing is good or what they are doing is bad. Always reassure the child that God created them as beautiful and wonderful, and what God has created was good. People are good, it is the sin that is bad.

      My mother and step dad tried the best they knew how to raise me, and there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Everyone makes mistakes, but it is important that if you recognize mistakes, to repent, and tell the child you are sorry for the mistake you made. My mother and step dad tried their best to do that.

      I have also faced much bullying in school, and in "My Life Story in Detail", talked about that. I also had a teacher in 5th grade who used to call me "Dumb Dumb" all the time, and did not show much patience. I also had other things that happened from teachers and kids in school where I was degraded as a person.

      When I was 10 years old, me and some kids in the neighborhood played games like bloody knuckles - when you lost, the cards got scraped across your knuckles. We would play other games and when you lost, you went through the spanking machine, and the spankings got hard and some damage was done. I got to be 11 years old and poked my bottom with pins, and sratched it with my finger nails and tore the skin. When I was 15 years old, I remembered the part of asking my mother about why I got spanked on the butt, and being told it was the bad part that should be punished. The explanation may only have happened once, but I never forgot that. I thought my butt was a bad part of my body, and It must be punished. I was alone at the hunting shack at the time and grabbed a stick out of the wood box, and spanked myself with it until it was severely bruised. I started doing that more regularly at 18, and could not stop. I mostly spanked it with a stick or car antenna, sometimes up to 1000 swats at one time, leaving very large ulcers about the size of softballs on each cheek. Sometimes I cut it with a knife, stabbed it, gouged it or burned it, then put baking soda on it to increase the sting. I would see the damage, and tell myself that I deserve to be treated like that, and sometimes go back to do more damage. I had others whip it with a whip, and see the damage and tell myself I deserved it.

      Whenever I engaged in these behaviors, I would get an adrenaline rush, even anticipating doing that. When the adrenaline and endorphins kicked in, I would hardly feel any pain from it. I would also get on a high and feel very good and happy for a while, sometimes a couple days, then I would see the damage done, and have flashbacks of what my grandparents did to me. I would become depressed, and it would be like reliving those moments, and I would try to fight that pain by trying to convince myself that I deserved it, and do it again. Then the adrenalines and endorphins would kick in and give me a high, and the cycle would continually repeat.

      I was too afraid to tell anyone. I was afraid that they would think less of me because of that. I accepted Jesus at 24 years of age, and gone to some retreats, and I was shown in the Bible where I should confess my sins to God and to one another. I had a hard time confessing that. I would start to shake even thinking about confessing that. It took until I was 27 years old until I confessed it the first time. I was extremely nervous, and I was free from this vicious cycle when I was 29. I am now 41, and just like alcohol to an alcoholic, or cigarettes to a smoker, I remember the adrenaline and endorphine rushes from that, and I still get strong cravings and temptations to harm myself. The emotional cycle may not be there, but my cravings for adrenaline and endorphins are still there. I still occasionally fall into these tempatations. I have to continually keep my thoughts captive and give them to God to fight off these tempatations. It took God to break me free from the emotional cycle, and only God can give me the strength to fight off these temptations.

      Some of you may be struggling with self harm, and never keep it secret, give it to God, and if there are hurting emotions, tell someone, and give that to God also. It is only God who can help you through this. If you do this while being alone, try to be around people. If you need prayer, I will be willing to pray for you. You all deserve much better than to be harmed. The scars are for life. You will never get rid of them. Any attempt to get rid of them will only make worse scars. If you are just being tempted and never engaged, take warning of this, and don't do it, it may be difficult to get out of it.

God Bless,
Rodney Calmes

Religious Abuse

RELIGIOUS ABUSE

     Religious abuse or spiritual abuse involves someone misleading or mistreating a person in the name of God. Many times the abuser is a leader of the religious organization. Those who follow do not question the abuser’s authority and allow themselves to be abused by them. The Bible is often misused to manipulate, deprive, torture, degrade, isolate, or control others. These type of leaders lord it over others, they try to control others. These type of leaders expect to be honored, and they think they are better than everyone else. They exalt themselves while the intimidate the rest of the people. This is what the Bible says about leaders like that:

Isa 65:5
5 Who say, 'Keep to yourself,
Do not come near me,
For I am holier than you!'
These are smoke in My nostrils,
A fire that burns all the day.
NKJV

Luke 11:46
46 And He said, "Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.
NKJV

Matt 23:1-12
23 Then Jesus spoke to the multitudes and to His disciples, 2 saying: "The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. 3 Therefore whatever they tell you to observe, that observe and do, but do not do according to their works; for they say, and do not do. 4 For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. 5 But all their works they do to be seen by men. They make their phylacteries broad and enlarge the borders of their garments. 6 They love the best places at feasts, the best seats in the synagogues, 7 greetings in the marketplaces, and to be called by men, 'Rabbi, Rabbi.' 8 But you, do not be called 'Rabbi'; for One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren. 9 Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 10 And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ. 11 But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
NKJV

Matt 23:23-30
23 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. 24 Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!
25 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. 26 Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.
27 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. 28 Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.
29 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, 30 and say, 'If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets.'
NKJV

     Expecting people to say ritualistic prayers without missing a beat, and expecting a person to perform rituals that are meaningless and putting an overemphasis on rituals rather than obeying God’s word. An example is hitting a child for not having their back perfectly straight when praying, or if they misquote a word in a ritualistic prayer. Another example is acknowledging a person for their performance in their rituals and yet the person abuses their spouses and children and overlooking that - thus considering their performance of their rituals more important than being a person of good character.

Matt 6:5-7
5 "And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 6 But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. 7 And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
NKJV

     Extreme legalism, putting undue rules on a person is also abuse. Every person should obey the Bible, but adding rules and forcing them on people is no good.

Isa 29:13
13 Therefore the Lord said:
"Inasmuch as these people draw near with their mouths
And honor Me with their lips,
But have removed their hearts far from Me,
And their fear toward Me is taught by the commandment of men,
NKJV

Matt 15:7-9
7 Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you, saying:
8 "These people draw near to Me with their mouth,
And honor Me with their lips,
But their heart is far from Me.
9 And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.'"
NKJV

Matt 9:12-13
12 When Jesus heard that, He said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice.' For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."
NKJV

Matt 12:3-8
3 But He said to them, "Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, he and those who were with him: 4 how he entered the house of God and ate the showbread which was not lawful for him to eat, nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? 5 Or have you not read in the law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath, and are blameless? 6 Yet I say to you that in this place there is One greater than the temple. 7 But if you had known what this means, 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the guiltless. 8 For the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath."
NKJV

     Falsely teaching the Bible is also spiritual abuse, or misapplying it. It is important to check the Bible as to what is being taught. The Bible taken literally and in context is the best method. Don’t just read a sentence, but read the whole paragraph. Example is taking Heb. 9:22 and applying that to shedding blood on children to make remission for their sins, when reading chapters 9 & 10, you see that the blood applies to the one time sacrifice Christ did on the cross for once and for all, and they even state that there are no more sacrifices need of sin, because Christ paid it all.

Acts 17:10-11
10 Then the brethren immediately sent Paul and Silas away by night to Berea. When they arrived, they went into the synagogue of the Jews. 11 These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so.
NKJV

Judging others is also a form of abuse, usually it is done when there is no evidence of wrong doing, and accuse the person anyway, without looking into it first. Example: finding an empty beer can in the back of someone’s pickup truck, and accusing them of being an abusive alcoholic, and removing them from the church. These type of things do happen in some churches throughout the world.

Matt 7:1-5
7 "Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
NKJV

Luke 6:37-38
37 "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."
NKJV

     Holding grudges against a person, and kicking them out of a church. There is a procedure in the Bible about that. A repentant person should never get kicked out of a church, even if the sin they committed is irreversible. If they have truly repented, they should be forgiven. Example, a post made on the internet without any warning of anything bad happening, causes something bad, and you can do nothing to reverse it, and you repent, but because it cannot be erased, you get kicked out anyway - that is abuse.

Matt 18:15-17
15 "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
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     Under no condition should a person get kicked out of a church without being warned of a legitimate sin in their lives. They should be given a chance to repent. Everything should be done in the order laid out in Matt 18:15-17. First in private, then with another brother, then before the church, and if the brother remains unrepentant, then church discipline should be exercised. If a person is being divisive, they should be warned once, then warned again, and if they continue then they should be removed.

Rom 16:17-18
17 Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. 18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.
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Titus 3:10-11
10 Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, 11 knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned.
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     If a person repents, we should forgive them and restore them so they do not get discouraged and overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. It is not about tearing people down, but building them up and loving them. Each person is to be treated in a spirit of gentleness, not with harshness. Being harsh bears no fruit, but causes resentment and intimidation. Love and gentleness helps people want to do the right thing.

2 Cor 2:5-11
5 But if anyone has caused grief, he has not grieved me, but all of you to some extent — not to be too severe. 6 This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, 7 so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow. 8 Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. 9 For to this end I also wrote, that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things. 10 Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, 11 lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.
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Gal 6:1-2
6 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of GENTLENESS, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
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     Operating a church with motives other than love. Without love, everything is meaningless. Love is the greatest attribute. Much is accomplished with love for the people. Any church can teach the Bible, but they will fail miserably if they do not have love for the people. The best Bible teachings in the world will not draw people to Christ without love. It is the love that a church demonstrates for the people that will draw others to Christ.

John 13:34-35
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
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1 Cor 13:13
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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     The Bible in various places talks about submission. It has been mentioned about wives submitting to husbands, children submitting to parents, submitting to our governing authorities, submitting to the leadership of the church, and submitting to God. We vision submission to someone lording it over us and us submitting to that. This is another form of abuse that happens in the church, when the leaders lord it over others. Authorities can abuse people by lording it over them. Parents can abuse children by lording it over them. Husbands can abuse wives by lording it over them. The Bible does not define submission by one person lording it over the other person while they submit. That is the wrong concept of submission. I am going to point out some scriptures to prove this.

Eph 5:22-6:4
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 SO HUSBANDS OUGHT TO LOVE THEIR WIVES AS THEIR OWN BODIES; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Eph 6:1-4
6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: 3 "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."
4 AND YOU, FATHERS, DO NOT PROVOKE YOUR CHILDREN TO WRATH, BUT BRING THEM UP IN THE TRAINING AND ADMONITION OF THE LORD.
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Col 3:18-4:1
18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES AND DO NOT BE BITTER TOWARD THEM.
20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.
21 FATHERS, DO NOT PROVOKE YOUR CHILDREN, LEST THEY BECOME DISCOURAGED.
22 Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. 23 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. 25 But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality.

Col 4:1
4 MASTERS, GIVE YOUR BONDSERVANTS WHAT IS JUST AND FAIR, KNOWING THAT YOU ALSO HAVE A MASTER IN HEAVEN.
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     We see in these two passages that the husband does not lord it over the wives and children, they give themselves for their wives and children. Christ gave himself for the church, so husbands ought to do the same for their wives and children. The husband’s job is to look after the wife and children, and to put the needs of his wife and children over his own. It is not the wife or children submitting to a selfish husband who lords it over them, it is a wife and children submitting to a selfless husband that looks after them. An Example of this is my Great Grandpa VerKuilen sat out during some meals during the depression, so his wife and children could eat, and he said “They need it more than I do.”. That is a great example of how a husband should be to their wives and how fathers should be to their children.

1 Peter 5:5
5 Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you BE SUBMISSIVE TO ONE ANOTHER, and be clothed with humility, for
"God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble."
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Matt 20:24-28
24 And when the ten heard it, they were greatly displeased with the two brothers. 25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. 26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. 27 And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave — 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
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Heb 13:17
17 Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they WATCH OUT FOR YOUR SOULS, as those who MUST GIVE AN ACCOUNT. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.
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     Church leaders must give an account for the souls they look after. Church leaders ought to be an example of Christ who gave Himself for the church, so leaders ought to give themselves for their church. Leaders who lord it over others are not doing that job, they are just serving their selfish desires. All leaders will have to give an account to God as to how they handled the people.

     Many churches force wives to go back home to abusive husbands. They see the bruises on the wives and children and the wives seek protection that they are not getting from their husband otherwise he would not do these things to them, so the seek out shelters for protection from abuse. So the church tells them that God hates divorce and tells the wives to go back home to live with the abusive husband and children, so that the wife and children can suffer further abuse. I will show you scriptures dealing with marriage and point out some things that will allow wives to leave abusive husbands for their protection and their children’s protection. Also if a spouse molests a child, they have already defiled the marriage bed, and in that situation, it is ok to divorce.



Matt 5:31-32
31 "Furthermore it has been said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
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Matt 19:3-9
3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?"

4 And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."

7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"

8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
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Mark 10:2-12
2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" testing Him.
3 And He answered and said to them, "What did Moses command you?"
4 They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her."
5 And Jesus answered and said to them, "Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God 'made them male and female.' 7 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."

10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, "WHOEVER DIVORCES HIS WIFE AND MARRIES ANOTHER COMMITS ADULTERY AGAINST HER. 12 AND IF A WOMAN DIVORCES HER HUSBAND AND MARRIES ANOTHER, SHE COMMITS ADULTERY AGAINST HIM."
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1 Cor 7:10-16
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even IF SHE DOES DEPART, LET HER REMAIN UNMARRIED or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 BUT IF THE UNBELIEVER DEPARTS, LET HIM DEPART; A BROTHER OR SISTER IS NOT UNDER BONDAGE IN THESE CASES. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
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     I want to get these facts straight. A legal filing of divorce is not a divorce, it is just paperwork that separates the husband and wife in all aspects. This may be done in the event of abuse for the spouse to be protected and the children to be protected in the event of abuse. A true divorce is when one person decides to remarry, that locks and seals the divorce. There are two conditions where a divorce is permitted, one is when the spouse defiles the marriage bed by committing adultery, or when the spouse decides to leave, we cannot make that spouse stay. There was nothing that mentioned abuse in the scriptures. There also is nothing mentioned in the scriptures where the abused has to stay with their abuser either. They can choose to separate for their own safety, and the scriptures do mention separation. If you choose to separate for your safety and your children’s safety, you ought not to remarry unless the spouse decides to commit adultery, which makes you free, or when the spouse remarries. The Bible does not define how bad things have to be in order to separate. Separation is necessary in the event of abuse. Legal divorce paperwork may need to be filed in order to protect the finances of the abused. The only time a true divorce is final is when one person remarries or commits adultery, then the other person is free to remarry if they wish.

     It is wrong for a church to force an abused person or if their children is being abused to stay with the abuser, and put that person or their children through further abuse. That person should leave for the better of that person and their children. If they decide to get back together, that should not be quick, time should be taken to see that the abuser truly repented, many times they go back to abusing, so be careful before going back.

     Anytime a child is molested by your spouse, even once, that is grounds for a divorce, never should a child stay with a parent that molested them. The marriage bed has already been defiled, so you would be free to leave and find another spouse. No church should make that person stay in that marriage under any condition, that person is biblically free to divorce and remarry.


CONCLUSION:

1. Unquestionable authority being exercised is abuse, there must be an accountability for those in authority and those people should be accountable for what they do, and if they abuse their authority, that person should be removed from their position of authority.

2. Misleading and mistreating others by misusing the Bible to manipulate, deprive, torture, degrade, isolate, or control others is also abuse. The Bible should be read in context and no scripture should be taken out of context. Each person should check the Bible to what is being taught, and the person who misuses scripture to hurt another person in any of the above ways, should first look at their own sins rather than the sins of others.

3. Lording over others or putting undue burdens on others is also abuse. Are you willing to carry those burdens that you are putting on others? Are you willing to step in and help that person? You should be a person willing to help others and lift them up and encourage them rather than weighing them down with burdens. You should be willing to be a servant to that person rather than lording it over them, and making them be your servant.

4. Exalting yourself is abuse, thinking of yourself as better than others is like smoke in God’s nostrils. It is detestable to God for you to think that way. It is better to be humble, and treat others as an equal to yourself no matter what position you have in life.

5. Putting yourself before others is also abuse. As a leader of a church, you ought to put the needs of those in the church above your own, because that is the example Christ left for the church. A person who chooses to be a leader ought to be a person who serves the people and loves the people.

6. Ritualism - Many times people abuse others by expecting a perfect performance in the rituals and ridicules them when a mistake is made. Many churches also put a higher priority on ritualism rather than looking at the character of people. They consider a person to be a better church person by their performance on the rituals when the bad things that person does is overlooked. Example: A person who abuses their spouses and children and has a perfect performance in their ritualistic prayers and comes to church every Sunday is a better person that the one who loves his family and serves others. It ought to be the other way around.

7. Legalism is also abuse. Putting undue rules on a person and expecting them to follow every letter of the man made rules and condemning that person if they miss one letter in the rules. According to the Bible, it is by grace you are saved through faith, and not by works, see Eph 2:8-10.

8. False teaching is also abuse. Check the Bible to what is being taught. Look at its context, is that teaching lining up with the Bible, or does it contradict the Bible? Each person should read the Bible regularly so that they can have that discernment.

9. Judging others is also abuse. First look at the plank in your own eye and take care of that before judging the speck in your brother’s eye.

10. Holding grudges against people is abuse, we ought to forgive them so that they are not overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. The punishment put on them from the world is enough, we ought to forgive and restore a person rather than holding grudges.

11. Treating a person harshly is abuse. We ought to deal with people in a gentle manner.

12. Removal from a church. No one should be removed from the church unless they are living in sin and not being repentant after being warned in private, then with another person, then with the leaders, if they still don’t repent after each step, they ought to be removed. If a person is stirring trouble in the church or if they are being divisive, they ought to be warned once, then a second time, then be removed. If a person is removed and they have been given time to repent and they come with repentance, we ought to restore that person as a brother.

13. We ought to submit to those the Bible tells us to submit to, but it is not about one person lording it over the other, it is about submitting to those who look after us and is willing to look after our needs before their own. A true leader looks after the people rather than themselves.

14. Under no condition should a person who is being abused by their spouse or if their spouse is abusing their children, should they be forced to stay living with that spouse, thus setting them up or their children up for further abuse. That person should be allowed to separate to a safe shelter or a safe place they can live. They should not remarry unless the spouse commits adultery or remarries.

15. Any person who molests a child has already committed adultery, and the spouse is free to leave and remarry in a case like that. Children should not be left with the molester, even if it only occurred once.



By Rodney Calmes

How Abuse and Mistreatment Can Lead to Not Being Able to Trust

    How Abuse and Mistreatment Can Lead to Not Being Able to Trust

      Have you ever found yourself having a hard time trusting people? As a result of how my grandparents treated me, the bullying I went through in school, teachers making me feel like there is something wrong with me, and also getting that from parents, I have learned not to trust. I had also lived in fear of others, and I never talked about my feelings and was afraid to reveal who I was as a person because I was afraid people would hate me. I could not be myself. I felt that if I revealed who I was, people would make fun of me, or think there was something wrong with me. I was never accepted for who I was until I came to know Jesus Christ, and people in my first church has accepted me for who I was. People welcomed me, and prayed for me. I was very sensitive, and people were understanding. When I was 27, I just started to share some deep secrets to a group leader, and he prayed for me and accepted me as a friend. There were some who gossiped and I was hurt by that. I ended up leaving that church, because I felt God leading me to another church, which was a small church, where I met my wife. I dated her and shared many deep things with her, and she still accepted me for who I was and she became not only my wife, but my best friend. I find myself today that if someone betrays me in any way, I can never open up to that person again, and it takes me a long time to build trust with people.

      My maternal grandpa died on May 1,2011. I had an emotional moment about 14 months after he died, and my mother says "Why are you not over that yet?", that one statement caused me to close up, and I felt that she would feel that there was something wrong with my feelings, so I feel I can never share my feelings with her again because of that. Someone else who knew I had family struggles after sharing my story on the internet has listened to me, and then told my parents things that were twisted, and I talked to him, and forgave him, but I feel I could never trust him again because of that, because it made my struggles worse. Some people can look at that as a mistake and talk it through, but I have a hard time trusting once I have been betrayed. It takes me a long time - possible years to get to a point of trusting someone to share deep things with. Once I have found that trust, that person ends up meaning the world to me. Once that trust is broken, I can be at peace with that person, but I would never trust that person to share things with again.

      The only One I know I can trust completely is God, because God is always faithful, and never fails. God is righteous and never sins. God does not betray anyone, and He is the ultimate healer. Mankind can fail, and break trust. Mankind can betray. Mankind does sin, and there is no one, including myself that can be trusted completely 100% of the time, because all of us has failed. I find the only true confidant I can have is God.

      There are many people who have families who they can share things with and be understood and loved. If abuse was in the family, they may downplay that and make you feel like there is something wrong with you because of your feelings - especially in regard to that, and then they doubt the rest of your feelings. In cases like that, or even when parents sin, they do not want to accept how their sins have affected you, so they downplay your feelings, which leads to lack of trust in family, so we seek others who we can confide in. When others have mistreated us, we learn not to talk about our feelings and bottle things up inside, which leads to carrying many pains. That has happened to me. I am now learning to be able to release my feelings, but I often feel intimidated by doing that, wondering if someone is going to think there is something wrong with me, so it becomes difficult.

      We find that our lack of trust makes it difficult to make friends, we find that there may be people we do things with, but we only share superficial things with them, but never anything personal. We find it impossible to have relationships with others, because we are afraid of what they might think if they knew us for who we were. We find ourselves having to carry every burden with no release and no one to talk to about it, so we continue to carry it. We find that we have no one we can share with, and we end up being alone, because we cannot trust anyone. The only One who has broke that lack of trust I had was God, and those who I went to church with and currently go to church with, I have been more free to trust and feel accepted.

      Many of you may have had these things happen to you. Remember, you can always come to God, He will heal you, and God will deal with those who have betrayed you. You can always trust God. God is faithful and will never fail you. If you are struggling with that, I want to pray for you.

Rodney Calmes