My Roots in Self Destructive Behavior
Every Person has different roots, but the emotional cycles are very similar. I have shared the severe spankings I received from my grandparents when I was 4-5 years old from my grandparents in "My Life Story in Detail". I also got spankings from my step dad and mother, which were not as severe, and my mother would not let my step dad spank me like my grandparents did. When I was about 7 years old, I asked my mother "Why do you get spanked on your butt and not your pee pee?" - these were the exact words I used at that time. My mother told me that my pee pee was a sacred part of my body and should never be punished, or never be touched except when going to the bathroom. I was also told that my butt was the bad part that should be punished. My mother never gave me any harmful spankings, and when my step dad did, she addressed it and after it was addressed, it never happened again.
Nothing was ever explained to me about respecting a child's body, but in many cases mine was not respected. I was pulled by my ear by the principal, which could have caused permanent hearing loss. I took a swat in the head, which my mother addressed my step dad when he did that along with a swat in the hands with a stick, which my mother addressed right away. A swat in the head can cause brain damage or possibly kill a child, and a swat in the hand with a stick can damage many tendons and ligaments, leaving scar tissue when healing, causing premature arthritis, or breaking bones, causing permanent disability. Anything done to a child that causes harm or risks harm is disrespect to their body. Harmless spankings that produces a sting to produce repentance is also showing respect for their body.
It is important that we never tell our children that they have bad parts of their body. Any punishment we give them should be harmless and not pose any risks of harm. If we administer a spanking, it should only be done to give a sting, but not cause any harm, and always explain that we love them, and explain to them their sin. We should also explain that we gave them that punishment to teach them not to sin, and explain that it is the sin that is getting punished. Never degrade them as a person, and never degrade their bodies. Never say things like "There is something wrong with you!", "What in the hell is the matter with you!", "You are a f***ing idiot!", or "Did someone drop you on your head when you were born?". Never say things like that to them. I was told that there was something wrong with me, and was often told when being punished "What in the hell is the matter with you?". A good thorough explanation of their sin, and the reason for their punishment is necessary, but also after the punishment is done, a reaffirmation of your love for them is extremely important. Never tell a child that he is bad, I was also told that when I misbehaved. It is very common to tell them that either they are good or that they are bad. Instead tell them that what they are doing is good or what they are doing is bad. Always reassure the child that God created them as beautiful and wonderful, and what God has created was good. People are good, it is the sin that is bad.
My mother and step dad tried the best they knew how to raise me, and there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Everyone makes mistakes, but it is important that if you recognize mistakes, to repent, and tell the child you are sorry for the mistake you made. My mother and step dad tried their best to do that.
I have also faced much bullying in school, and in "My Life Story in Detail", talked about that. I also had a teacher in 5th grade who used to call me "Dumb Dumb" all the time, and did not show much patience. I also had other things that happened from teachers and kids in school where I was degraded as a person.
When I was 10 years old, me and some kids in the neighborhood played games like bloody knuckles - when you lost, the cards got scraped across your knuckles. We would play other games and when you lost, you went through the spanking machine, and the spankings got hard and some damage was done. I got to be 11 years old and poked my bottom with pins, and sratched it with my finger nails and tore the skin. When I was 15 years old, I remembered the part of asking my mother about why I got spanked on the butt, and being told it was the bad part that should be punished. The explanation may only have happened once, but I never forgot that. I thought my butt was a bad part of my body, and It must be punished. I was alone at the hunting shack at the time and grabbed a stick out of the wood box, and spanked myself with it until it was severely bruised. I started doing that more regularly at 18, and could not stop. I mostly spanked it with a stick or car antenna, sometimes up to 1000 swats at one time, leaving very large ulcers about the size of softballs on each cheek. Sometimes I cut it with a knife, stabbed it, gouged it or burned it, then put baking soda on it to increase the sting. I would see the damage, and tell myself that I deserve to be treated like that, and sometimes go back to do more damage. I had others whip it with a whip, and see the damage and tell myself I deserved it.
Whenever I engaged in these behaviors, I would get an adrenaline rush, even anticipating doing that. When the adrenaline and endorphins kicked in, I would hardly feel any pain from it. I would also get on a high and feel very good and happy for a while, sometimes a couple days, then I would see the damage done, and have flashbacks of what my grandparents did to me. I would become depressed, and it would be like reliving those moments, and I would try to fight that pain by trying to convince myself that I deserved it, and do it again. Then the adrenalines and endorphins would kick in and give me a high, and the cycle would continually repeat.
I was too afraid to tell anyone. I was afraid that they would think less of me because of that. I accepted Jesus at 24 years of age, and gone to some retreats, and I was shown in the Bible where I should confess my sins to God and to one another. I had a hard time confessing that. I would start to shake even thinking about confessing that. It took until I was 27 years old until I confessed it the first time. I was extremely nervous, and I was free from this vicious cycle when I was 29. I am now 41, and just like alcohol to an alcoholic, or cigarettes to a smoker, I remember the adrenaline and endorphine rushes from that, and I still get strong cravings and temptations to harm myself. The emotional cycle may not be there, but my cravings for adrenaline and endorphins are still there. I still occasionally fall into these tempatations. I have to continually keep my thoughts captive and give them to God to fight off these tempatations. It took God to break me free from the emotional cycle, and only God can give me the strength to fight off these temptations.
Some of you may be struggling with self harm, and never keep it secret, give it to God, and if there are hurting emotions, tell someone, and give that to God also. It is only God who can help you through this. If you do this while being alone, try to be around people. If you need prayer, I will be willing to pray for you. You all deserve much better than to be harmed. The scars are for life. You will never get rid of them. Any attempt to get rid of them will only make worse scars. If you are just being tempted and never engaged, take warning of this, and don't do it, it may be difficult to get out of it.
God Bless,
Rodney Calmes
No comments:
Post a Comment