Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child! The Rod Applied In Its Full Definition

Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child!  The Rod Applied In Its Full Definition

Before we misinterpret the rod, let's look at what the rod is in its full definition, and look at the rod verses in Proverbs with its definition written in the verse rather than the word "rod".

The rod in Hebrew is "Shebet" which has 4 definitions:

A scion which is defined as a stick used for grafting.  (Grafting from the wild olive tree into the cultivated olive tree - see Romans 11) - thus being grafted into Christ.

A stick, or shepherd's rod.  Typically, shepherds used their rods to gently guide their sheep.  Thus provided guidance, which includes gentle teaching and correction. Gal 6:1 - "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted."

A stick or shepherd's rod.  Shepherds also used their rods to fight off wolves with the purpose of protecting their sheep - thus offering protection.

A scepter - which is a staff of a king thus, we have been given the authority and responsibility to teach, guide, correct, and protect our children.  We have also been given the responsibility of watching over our children and grafting them into Christ.

Discipline comes from the word disciple. In Hebrew, it means to correct, teach, and lead. Correct in Hebrew also carries the same definition.

Folly or foolishness in Hebrew is a lack of good sense, prudence, or knowledge. This means that they need to be taught and guided.

Rebuke in Proverbs 29:15 in Hebrew means mild rebuke or mild reproof or admonition.  Thus giving correction in a spirit of gentleness as stated in Galatians 6:1.

Here are the rod verses with its definitions substituted for the words.

Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares his charge to provide protection, guidance, teaching, and correction that leads him to Jesus, hates his son, But he who loves him leads him, teaches him and corrects him promptly.

Proverbs 22:15 - Lack of knowledge, good sense and prudence is bound up in the heart of a child, but guidance, teaching and correction will drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 - Do not withhold teaching, correction and leadership from a child.  If you gently prod him with guidance, teaching and correction that leads him to Jesus and protect your child, he will not die.  If you gently prod him with guidance, teaching and correction that leads him to Jesus and protect your child, you will save his soul from death.

Proverbs 29:15 - Guidance, teaching, correction that leads a child to Jesus along with mild rebuke or admonition done in a gentle manner gives wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Other supporting verses:

Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."

Colossians 3:21 - "Fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

Another note to keep in mind:

Proverbs 22:6 does not say "If you beat your child for the things they shouldn't do, when they are old, they won't do those things!". This is our American model for bringing up children. Here is what Proverbs 22:6 says:

Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."

As we analyze Proverbs 22:6, we see that we ought to teach them the way they SHOULD go.  Thus, not only teaching them with our mouths, but also leading them by our example which should model Jesus Christ with the grace and mercy He bestows on us. We ought to bestow grace and mercy on our children as well.

If we show an example of violence, reviling, anger and wrath towards our children, they will learn violence, anger and wrath and learn to use violence and reviling on others to solve their problems.  If we lead them with love, compassion, grace and mercy of Jesus, they will learn that and show the same towards others.

If you were brought up with reviling, wrath, anger, and violence, do not model that.  Turn from it.  I will pray for your healing, and know that Jesus is not violent, angry, and reviling.  Jesus is kind, loving, and compassionate with grace and mercy.  He gave Himself up for you by dying on a cross so that all of your sins have been forgiven.  That is how much He loves you and treasures you.  He is also risen from the dead to prepare a place in heaven for you if you put your faith in Him and turn to Jesus.

I will be praying for you.  I hope this sheds light on the biblical perspective on bringing up children.

Rodney Calmes

Truth And Myth About PTSD

Truth And Myth About PTSD

Myth - Most common cause of PTSD is from combat or war.

Truth - Even though combat and war has caused PTSD on approximately 50 percent of those who experienced it, combat or war is NOT the most common cause of PTSD.

Truth - The most common cause of PTSD among men are car accidents, and car accidents are the second most common cause of PTSD in women.

Truth - The most common cause of PTSD in women is sexual assault, with car accidents taking second place.

Truth - The top 3 causes of PTSD in general are the following in combination of men and women:

1.  Car accidents

2.  Sexual assault

3.  Physical assault

See the following link for more information:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/causes/

What The Bible Says About Gaslighting

Many of us who has faced abuse, and tried to bring closure to it with our families or those responsible for the abuse may have heard or may hear the following:

1.  "There is no way you can remember that!"

2.  "You can't remember things when you were 4!"

3.  "There is no way it could have had that kind of effect on you!"

4.  "You can't tell me you felt like that!"

5.  "It wasn't that bad!"

6.  "Why don't you just get over it!"

7.  "It's in the past, leave it in the past!"

8.  "If it had that kind of effect on you, there is something wrong with you!"

9. "You are not remembering things right!  There is something wrong with your memory!"

Let's compare these statements with the Bible.  I heard a sermon in church this morning where one scripture covers a lot of this.

1 Cor. 2:9-11
"9 But as it is written:

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
10 But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. 11 For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so no one knows the things of God except the Spirit of God."

Those who made the above 9 statements above, when compared to this scripture, is making judgments of what was going through your mind.  Those judgments are false, and they are claiming to know what is in your mind.  By doing so, they are calling 1 Cor. 3:9-11 a lie.  They are calling God a liar because it is His Word.

Many of those type of people may call themselves Christians.  Statements like the above 9 shows a lack of repentance.  What does true repentance look like?

A. Being genuinely sorry for your sin with godly sorrow.

B.  Accepting responsibility for the sin.

C.  Confessing the sin to God, and turning from it.

D.  Making restitution for the sin where restitution can be made.

E.  Asking for forgiveness from those they sinned against and from God.

F.  Accepting forgiveness from God through the sacrifice Jesus paid on the cross and resting on Jesus.

Making the 9 statements in the first part of this post is not practicing repentance as spelled out in A-F. 

The Bible says "unless you repent, you will all likewise perish!" See Luke 13:3, 13:5

The Bible also says "by their fruit you will recognize them" See Matt 7:15-20

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.". See Matt 7:21-29.

People who make statements like the 9 at the beginning of this post and call themselves Christians are doing it in the name of Jesus, thus taking God's name in vain.  They prove themselves to be wolves in sheep's clothing. If they don't repent, they will perish in their sins.  They have no love, thus prove not to be disciples of Christ.  See John 13:35.  These are the kind of people who follow their father who is the devil himself.

I know what it is like to deal with this.  If you are dealing with this, I will be praying for you. 

Rodney Calmes

God Takes Mental/Psychological/Emotional Abuse Serious - A Very Serious Offense

God Takes Mental/Psychological/Emotional Abuse Serious - A Very Serious Offense

Matthew 5:22 - "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire.

When we look at the first part of this verse, we see that unrighteous anger is as bad as murder as we read the previous verse in Matt. 5. 

Handling a person in an angrily manner violates Galatians 6:1 - "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted."

We also see in James 1:20 - "for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God."

The second part of Matt 5:22 addresses saying "Raca!" to another person. "Raca" is the original Greek root word which has no actual English word translation.  It is defined as calling someone worthless or good-for-nothing or insulting a person's intelligence.  Calling someone an idiot, dumb, or stupid fits this category.  Any words used to belittle a person or their intelligence also fits this category.  Here are some examples:

"I can't believe you did this thing so many times but you don't know how to do it!"

"You don't know how to think right!"

"You can't do anything right!"

Making a person feel that everything they do is wrong or stupid.

Making a person feel like they don't have the ability to do things right.

Nothing is good enough.

The third part addresses saying "you fool!".  In the time of the writing of scripture, a fool was meant as a wilful evil character.  The verse addresses belittling a person's character. Accusing them of being wilfully evil.  Examples are:

"I can't believe you call yourself a Christian when you just messed this project up!"

"You are nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing!"

"You will never accomplish anything good!"

Accusing a person of lying or any kind of evil deed without proof.

Not looking into what lead a person to do a certain deed, and accusing them of evil intentions.

"You did this because you wanted to do evil, if you tell me different, I am going to beat you!" - a line commonly used by parents.

All of these things listed in Matthew 5:22 is equivalent to murder.  It is very damaging psychologically, emotionally, and mentally to a person. It is no wonder why scripture equates reviling, adultery, and homosexuality as equally evil.  No one who does such things will inheret the kingdom of Heaven.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God."

The Greek word means to revile or rail

To revile means to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner. 

To rail means to complain bitterly, forcefully with strong feeling, and intensity.

Those who are revilers, abusive in speech, tears people down, belittles them, insults their character and intelligence will not inheret the kingdom of Heaven according to the scriptures.  They may call themselves Christians, but by their fruit, they prove to be wolves in sheep's clothing.  Reviling, railing, belittling, and any forms of emotional, mental, or psychological abuse does not show love.  Those things are fruits that comes from their father who is the devil.

Matthew 7:15 - 16a -  "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.  You will know them by their fruit."

John 13:35 - "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

Those who are abusive are absent of love and show themselves to be disciples of the devil.

It is by the love you have for others is the fruit that shows that you are disciple of Jesus. 

If you are experiencing abuse from someone who calls themselves a Christian, I hope this sheds light on the subject, don't be discouraged, but many who mask themselves to be Christians are of the world will reject you because you are a disciple of Jesus, you were set apart from the world because you belong to Jesus.  You are a part of God's kingdom. See John 15:18-25

I will be praying for you.

Rodney Calmes

Why We Self Harm

Why We Self Harm

Statistics show that approximately 1/4 of the people have at some point engaged in Self Harm.  Why do people hurt themselves?

Here are some reasons:

1.  "I deserve to be hurt!" - when we have faced abuse, bullying or other forms of trauma, the residing pain can be overwhelming.  Convincing ourselves that we deserve it can help us ease that overwhelming pain at the time.  This often leads us to hurting ourselves to confirm that.

2.  Hurting ourselves is our way of justifying the hurts that were inflicted on us.  Justifying those hurts makes us feel better about what happened to us.

3.  We are familiar with hurt, it doesn't seem right when we are not hurt, so we do it to ourselves.

4.  Makes us feel better, the release of endorphins elevates us, and relieves stress, and helps us feel like we are on top of the world.  These endorphins can be more addicting than Crack Cocaine.  We became addicted to a drug that our own bodies generated from hurting ourselves.

5.  We are unwilling to face the pain inside of us, so we hurt ourselves to try to hide from it. 

The following are NOT conclusive reasons people hurt themselves.

1.  Even though "Legion" who were many demons that possessed a man and caused him to cut himself with stones, we cannot conclude that a person who hurts themselves are demon possessed.  The account of Legion is in Mark 5.

2.  They are not Christians and are living in sin. 
Matt 7:1-2 - "Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.".  We cannot judge others.  We ought to walk in their shoes first before we judge them.

3.  They are doing it because they want to live in sin.  Anyone who doesn't want to help the person can come up with a reason like this.  Before we draw conclusions like this, we ought to look into what happened to the person.  Love them, support them, and minister to them with the love of Christ.

Do's and Don't's

1.  Don't say "What is wrong with you?", or shame them in any way.  Instead ask "Can you tell me what happened to you?"

2.  Don't alienate them or kick them out of the church/family or punish them.  Instead, listen to them.  Listen to their body language.  Love them, support them, and pray for them.  Let them know that they are loved. 

3.  Get them to talk about the pain they are dealing with. Ask them what is happening.  Let them know that you are there for them. 

4.  Don't say "Get over it!", this only discourages them to talk, and makes them feel belittled inside, it will also discourage further communication and cause them to withdraw. Instead, encourage them to talk more, it can help them process what happened so they can accept it, forgive, and can help then cope, and adjust to it, and can help them give that burden to God.  This is where healing can begin.

5.  Don't threaten them, but provide a non-threatening environment so that they can feel safe.  The safer they feel, the more communication you can get from them, and the more effective your ministry can be to them.  Allow them to unload their burdens.  Listening to them can go a long way with that.

The more you promote them to talk, the more you can learn from them, the more you learn, the more equipped you will be to minister to them. Pray for them.  Share Jesus' love with them. Be an example of Jesus' love for them. 

Be patient with them.  Traumatic events can take time to process just like deep wounds take time to heal.  Give them the time they need with lots of love and support.  Be patient with them and comfort them. 

James 1:19 - "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;"

Galatians 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all."

Too many times, people who call themselves "Pastors" have hurt these people further rather than helping them.

I hope by sharing this, that we can work together to provide a more supportive and healing environment for those who are hurting rather than hurting them further.

Rodney Calmes

Narcissists And Sociopaths, What The Bible Says About Them

Narcissists And Sociopaths, What The Bible Says About Them

Characteristics of narcissists and sociopaths involves the following:

1.  They are very selfish, even at the expense of hurting others.

Phil. 2:2-4 – “fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let NOTHING  be done through SELFISH AMBITION or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

1 Tim 3:1-5 – “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be LOVERS OF THEMSELVES, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!”

2.  They exalt themselves no matter what it takes.  They will go as far as ruining another person and the person's reputation to make themselves look good.

Luke 18:14b – “for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”  See v.9-14

3.  They look good on the outside, and will have a great reputation to the point where no one believes their victims.

Matt. 23:25 – “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence.[a] 26 Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.”

The Pharisees also had a great reputation on the outside  (which was the outside of their cuo), but they were full of all kinds of wickedness  (the inside of their cup)  does this sound like some narcissists you have experienced?

4.  They are master manipulators, and will go as far as destroying their victim's confidence, esteem, and even their very being to get what they want.  They will have their victims doubting their own selves, doubting their abilities, and doubting their own perception and feelings to gain control over their victims, and make their victims depend completely on them.

1 Peter 5:2-4 – “Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly,[a] not for dishonest gain but eagerly; 3 nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; 4 and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.”

Matt. 20: 24’26 – “And when the ten heard it, they were greatly displeased with the two brothers. 25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them.26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant.”

Luke 11:46 - “And He said, “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”

5.  They revile their victims by humiliating them, degrading them, putting them down, calling them names, and all other forms of verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

1 Cor 5:9-10 – “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,[a] nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, NOR  REVILERS, nor extortioners WILL INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 – “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Matt. 5:21-22 - “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause[b]shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.

6.  Many will use physical violence on their victims.

Psalm 11:5 – “The LORD tests the righteous,
But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates.”

Proverbs 14:16-17 – “A wise man fears and departs from evil,
But a fool rages and is self-confident.
17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly,
And a man of wicked intentions is hated.”

James 1:19-20 – “So then,[a] my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

7.  They are unrepentant. When their actions are called to the table,  they will deny their evil activity, and convince others that it was their victim's fault. They will also go as far as rounding up numbers of people and use those people to try to convince their victims that the abuse never happened.

1 Timothy 4:1-5 – “the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, SPEAKING  LIES IN HYPOCRISY, HAVING THEIR OWN CONSCIENCE SEARED WITH A HOT IRON, 3 forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. 4 For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; 5 for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.”

Luke 13:3 – “I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.”

Narcissists have their consciences seared, and they are unrepentant.  These scriptures show that unless they repent, they are headed for hell.  Having a seared conscience, which describes a narcissist, they don’t see anything wrong with what they do.   They do all kinds of evil, appear to look good, and their conscience is so seared, that they will not see the evil they are doing.  They will lie to cover up their evil deeds and think nothing of it. 

Many of us have been hurt by narcissists, and facing them can feel like facing the devil himself.  God knows who they are.  God knows what is truly going on.  They may fool men, but they cannot fool God.   God will give them their justice.

If you have been hurt by narcissists,  I will pray for you.  It is in God’s hands, and if you accept Jesus into your heart and put your faith in Him, God will be on your side.  God is with you.  God will also lift you up,  He will heal you, and He will bless you.  You will also be a blessing to others.   Your testimony, and your story will bless others.  

God loves you,  and I am praying for you.

Rodney Calmes

What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

Many people want to do what is best for a person, and may say or do things with good intentions, but some of these may end up re-victimizing them instead of helping them.

How does a person re-victimize a person who has been abused or suffered from a traumatic event?

1.  “Get Over It!”- with good intentions, people may say this and try to prompt the person who has been traumatized to move on to different things and try to change the conversation to talk about something else.  A person who has been traumatized needs to process the trauma by talking through it and be heard and understood when doing it.  If the person cannot talk about what happened, they are unable to process it and thus unable to heal from their trauma. 

2. “It wasn’t that bad!” – often this is said with good intentions because the person ministering believes that if they can get the person who has been traumatized to believe it wasn’t as bad, it could make it better, but it ends up making it worse.  The traumatized person knows how bad it was, and are lead to believe that the one ministering to them doesn’t care to understand and doesn’t care to listen to them.  It hinders them from talking about it, and gives them a sense of being attacked.  This also hinders healing because it also hinders them from being able to process the trauma they have been through.

3. “It was the times!” “It’s normal for that to happen!” – Some forms of trauma can be common in some periods of time or in some cultures.  The minister may normalize it with the intention to make the traumatized person feel better because “everyone went through it”.  This has very similar effects as “It wasn’t that bad!”.

4. “It’s in the past, leave it in the past!”, “Let it drop!”, “You need to forgive and forget about it!”.  These are things said with good intentions.  When you get a flat tire and are late for work, you can get over that one quickly, and it is harmful to keep holding on to it.  Getting a flat tire and being late for work is a normal event.  The best thing we can do to deal with normal events is to just drop it and move on.  Traumatic events are much different.  Traumatic events are life changing events that have changed the structure of the brain permanently.  A person who went through trauma is like a person who had their leg cut off.  They have to live with the effects of it for the rest of their lives.  You can’t just forget about it or just drop it when you have to adapt to the changes it made.  Letting the person talk about it and processing it can help them adapt and heal from what happened. 

Doing any of the above 4 things even with good intentions often re-victimizes the person and they internalize it, and makes them feel like there is something wrong with them because a traumatized person cannot do the things listed above, and cannot heal if they try.  When you do the above 4 things mentioned, you are tearing the person down. You are doing nothing to build them up or encouraging them.  You are also forcing them to bear the burdens of their trauma alone. 

What the Bible says about it:
Luke 11:46 – “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”

Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

James 1:19 – “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”

What should we do and how can we apply these verses.

1.  Instead of saying “Get over it”, “Let it drop”, or “Leave it in the past”;. We ought to listen to them.  The Bible promotes listening.  Understand them and let them unload and help them process their thoughts.  Ask them more about what happened to help them unload more.  Let them know that you are there for them.  Let them also know that Jesus is there for them and that He will walk with them through this.

2. Understand that trauma is horrible, and what happened to them is horrible.  All sin is horrible in God’s eyes.  Understand that even the particular event that the person went through can have different effects on different people.  Some may be traumatized by it and others may have weathered it.  Just like 2 houses don’t get ripped apart the same from the same tornado. Saying that it “wasn’t that bad” is like saying that the tornado never did any damage to the torn down house.  If 10 houses got torn down from the tornado, it doesn’t make that particular torn down house any better. The same goes with culturalizing or normalizing the trauma.

3. Help them take the baby steps needed to recover. Each heals at different rates.  Be patient with them.  Lead them and guide them with a spirit of gentleness (see Galatians 6:1).  Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.  See Galatians 5:23. Provide a non-threatening environment for them, and it can promote healing and their neurological pathways to reroute to help them function better through it.  Pray for them and anoint them with oil if you feel lead.  James 5:14 – “ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”

4. Keep them in prayer, encourage them, and build them up.  Love them, see 1 Cor 13, anything done without love is meaningless.

For more information on how trauma effects the brain and to become Trauma Informed, check out www.echoparenting.org or check out Helping Hands Resource Center on Facebook.  Karen Gonzalez is the founder.

Rodney Calmes

One Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Often Involves Multiple ACE’S

One Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Often Involves Multiple ACE’S

Many of us who have seen ACE studies has been exposed to the list of 10 know ACE’S.

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

10. Did a household member go to prison?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Here are examples of how one ACE involves multiple ACE’S.

ACE #1 involves any of the following:  swearing, insults, put-downs, humiliation, or threats.  Often carried out with anger.  Many people who experienced ACE #1 have also experienced ACE #4, because ACE #1 leads to ACE #4.  In many cases,  when anger gets heated,  it goes from verbal abuse to physical abuse, which is ACE#2.

Here are common models illustrating this point.

Model 1:  A child does something that irritates the parent  (often without knowledge).  The parent reacts by yelling and screaming at the child.   It often involves many of the things listed in ACE #1.  Then they hit or spank the child and may say "This will teach you a lesson!"
or may say "Knock it off!", etc. 

In this case,  the child may have 3 ACE’S from being brought up with this model.  ACE #1 - Verbal Abuse, ACE #2 - Physical Abuse, and ACE #4 - Feeling Unloved or Not Supported.

Model 2:  The child does something that irritates the parent,  the parent hits or spanks the child then responds "What is wrong with you?"  or "What in the hell is the matter with you?"  or "Your Naughty/Bad!"

In this case,  the child also may have 3 ACE’S.   The first was ACE #2-physical abuse,  the second was ACE #1-Verbal Abuse, which often leads to ACE #4.

Model 3: The child does something undesirable,  often without knowledge.  The parent spanks or hits them,  then explains why they got spanked and says "When you do this, you are being stupid! (or naughty!, or bad!)".  This can also involve ACE #2, then ACE #1 - which the quote illustrates, and can lead the child to feel unloved  (ACE #4).   Even if we eliminate the quote, the child had no knowledge of wrong doing,  then got spanked,  which leads to being discouraged,  which can imply ACE #1, even though it was not directly said to them.   This also can lead to ACE #4.

Model #4: The child knowingly does something wrong,  the parent makes the child remove their clothing and spanks them bare butt. 

Butts are sexual regions.  At times, sexual experiences can be triggered by spanking through neurological and arterial connections, which the frequency of these experiences are increased greatly with bare butt spankings. 

This can be ACE #2 - Physical Abuse, and ACE #3 - Sexual Abuse.  It may not be intended by the parent to make anything sexual from it, but it doesn't change what the child experiences.   The results can be as detrimental as being blatantly molested.  

ACE #5 and ACE #4 (neglect and feeling unloved) can go hand in hand.

ACE #6 (divorce) and ACE #4 (feeling unloved) cab go hand in hand,  especially when Parental Alienation is involved, which happens more often than not in divorce situations. 

ACE #6 often leads to ACE #5 also. Also the frequency of abuse  (ACE #1, ACE #2, and ACE #3) is increased greatly with step parents, because the step parent often doesn't love their step child as their own. 

ACE #7 - Violence Against Mother/Step Mother often leads to divorce,  violence against children,  etc.

ACE #8 - Drugs and Alcohol often leads to many other forms of abuse.   Frequency of abuse of all forms are much higher with drugs and alcohol.  Often leads to many ACE’S.

ACE #9 - Mental Illness has been the culprit of many forms of abuse.   This also can generate many ACE’S.

ACE#10 - Incarnation of a family member can lead to ACE #4 in some cases.   Sometimes prison can create mental illness which can lead to ACE #9.

CONCLUSION:

It would be very rare that if a child has one ACE that there would not be other ACE’S tied in with that.   Many would not realize the other ACE’S,  or may not realize that they even have ACE’S because a lot of the models listed above has been "normalized" because those practices were common.

I hope by posting this,  it could help open more eyes about what ACE’S are truly having an effect on a person,  and more can be done to prevent future occurrences of trauma and better equip those who can help those who experienced trauma to heal, and to minister to them effectively.

Rodney Calmes

The Biblical Perspective Of Trauma Informed Care

The Biblical Perspective Of Trauma Informed Care

What is Trauma Informed Care?

1. Recognizing the effects of trauma and what it does to the brain.

Ecc 7:7 – “Surely oppression destroys a wise man’s reason”

Romans 6:23 – “For the wages of sin is death”

All the ACE’S in the ACE study are sins committed against a child. Sin is very adverse, and cannot be normalized. The scriptures show that sin is very adverse, and all the sins listed in the ACE studies have very traumatizing effects on children. (See my post “Trauma, ACE’S, What The Bible Says About It”)

2. Listening - Listening is not just hearing words, but observing body language and seeing the signs that the person may have suffered trauma. Also providing an environment where they can talk about their trauma. Listening also looks for possible triggers in a person, and looks for ways to minister to them based on what is observed on a person. Listening is also collaborating with a person. Listening is also gathering information and identifying a person’s concerns. It also validates the other person’s concerns and treats their concerns with equal value as your own. Listening also helps those who have difficulty in communicating their concerns, and takes interest in them.

It is important for someone who has been traumatized to be heard and understood. Listening makes an effort to understand the person rather than getting them to avoid talking about it or avoiding them.

James 1:19 – “19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Scripture promotes listening. Listening and seeing the signs of trauma is about 75 percent of the content of the videos regarding Trauma Informed Care.

3. Providing a non-threatening, non-judgmental, and safe environment. Providing a safe and non-threatening environment allows neurons to re-route and the brain to reconnect with the thinking and emotional brain. This type of environment involves handling people with gentleness, kindness, patience, compassion and care. This involves providing a helping and supportive environment without anger or trying to control them.

Galatians 6:1 – “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”

Galatians 5:22-23 – “22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”

Harsh treatment and anger has no place in scripture, and accomplishes nothing to help anyone more or less a person who has been traumatized.

James 1:20 – “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Matt 7:1-2 – “Judge not, that you be not judged.2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”

4. Abhors isolation and promotes connection and collaboration. Connective parenting has been proven to increase IQ and enhance brain development in children. It also enhances emotional balances in children. Isolation causes harm. God knew this when He stated back in Genesis 2:18 – “18 And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone”.

Proverbs 29:15 – “The rod and rebuke give wisdom,

But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”

People who are traumatized are often alone, or feel alone. These people need to know that they are not alone. Breaking silence can let those who feel alone know that they are not. Promote speaking out. Point 5 elaborates more on this.

5. Allowing people to talk about their trauma, and avoiding hindrances to them sharing such as “It is in the past, leave it in the past!” or “Get over it!”, etc. It is necessary for traumatized people to talk about their trauma, because it helps then process what happened, and to be able to sort it out. It is a necessary and crucial step for healing. It is not about a pity party, but it is about allowing them to connect with their emotions and allowing their hurts and trauma to process.

Romans 15:1-3 – “We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. 2 Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification. 3 For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.”

Galatians 6:2 – “2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Bearing a person’s burden is not telling them to keep it to themselves, but allowing them to unload it on you, which is listening and helping them process it and heal from it.

6. Empathy and Compassion Involves Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Being concerned about them, and valuing their concerns and feelings.

7. Positive encouragement – Encourages them on what God has accomplished through them, encouraging the strengths and gifts God has given them, comforting them, and building them up. It focuses on the good of a person and avoids tearing them down by focusing on the bad and negative things.

1 Thess 5:11 – “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.”

8. Allowing people to be themselves, allowing them and encouraging them to be the unique individuals God created them to be. Not making them be who you want them to be. This involves letting them have a say, making their voice count, collaboration, and not trying to control them. Also helping them understand that they are not how they feel.

God created each person to be unique with their own unique talents and gifts. Each person serves as their own unique part of the body of Christ. The body of Christ cannot be complete if we try to make people to conform to being just one part. God has carefully and wonderfully made each person. What God created is good.

Psalm 139:14 – “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.”

Genesis 1:31 – “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.”

Genesis 1:27 – “ So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

See 1 Cor 12.

This also avoids the practice of saying “What is wrong with you?”, it equates to telling God that there is something wrong with what He created. Instead we ought to focus on saying “Can you tell me what happened to you?”

9. Patience is not only a gift of the Spirit as laid out in Galatians 5:22-23, but it is necessary that we be patient with survivors as they try to heal. Time does not cure all. A lot of trauma and triggers have no timeline. Some people who have equal wounds can heal quickly, and others take more time. We must allow a person to take the time they need to heal with our continued support for them. Don’t rush them in the healing process.

10. Boundaries, structure, and respect - people who have been abused are people who were not respected, their boundaries were intentionally crossed, and many times the abuse came to the survivors unexpectedly.

Matt 22:37-40 – “Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment.39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

Love others as you love yourself means that you must love yourself and you should love others equally. This involves setting healthy boundaries for yourself with looking after yourself and looking after others equally. It is doing what is equally best for all.

The boundaries of others should also be respected and putting an equal value to their boundaries as your own. This is a part of loving others as you love yourself, also treating others as you want to be treated.

Luke 6:31 – “And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.”

Structure is important in setting boundaries.

11. Resilience - Resilience in short is being able to thrive in a world that is not safe or has adversity. The actual definition is to be able to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Another words resilience in biblical terms is perseverance or to stand up or bear up during trials.

James 1:2-4 – “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

2 Tim 2:1-3 – “You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. 2 And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. 3 You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.”

See also 1 Cor 13:7 (Love bears all things and endures all things) – it takes resilience to bear and endure things.

12. Self-control - Being able to manage oneself, being able to manage or control emotions or thought. Helping others to be able to manage their thoughts and emotions by giving them a safe environment so that their brains can heal from trauma and reconnect to their emotional parts and their thinking and reasoning parts of their brain. Also helping them to build up resilience, perseverance, or forbearance under trials and being able to control their thoughts and emotions during such times. Galatians 5:22-23 mentions perseverance and self-control as fruits of the Spirit.

13. Teaching them the skills to meet their expectations (Ross Green focused a lot on this in his video), this can be translated as Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he shall not depart from it.”. This involves training, teaching, and instructing a child, thus you are teaching them the skills to meet the expectations. The scripture has a lot of verses throughout the whole Bible from Exodus forward about teaching, instruction and guiding children. Setting high standards with a sense of empowerment and control. Setting standards that a person has the skills to maintain. This makes teaching and guiding them the most effective and is most effective in brain development.

Structure is important. It gives clear direction of the expectations needed to be met. It is consistent and clear, thus makes a person feel safe when following structural guidelines.

14. Focusing on relationships rather than behavior (works). Teaching, training up, and guiding (Proverbs 22:6, Eph 6:4) doesn’t just focus on treating the symptoms of the problem (behavior), but gets to the root, then teaches at the root with collaboration in order to help them to think it through and guides their thoughts in the right direction. When the roots are dealt with, the behavior will show. Behavior gets corrected when the roots of the problems and the skills are taught on dealing with the roots, not the symptoms.

Our righteousness does not depend on works or behavior, but depends on faith in Jesus and our relationship with Him. Faith produces works. Our relationship with Jesus produces works. Good relationships promote good behavior. With this being said, our works came about through the goodness God showed us, and our faith and relationship with Him. Our good works did not come from how much God punished us. The same should apply with our children and with how we treat others.

Ephesians 2:8-9 – “8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.”

James 2:18 – “18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.”

See James 2:14-26. This shows that behavior is shown through faith. You cannot have good behavior without faith. A relationship with Jesus brings out that faith, parents also should model that relationship with their children. We also who help others should show ourselves to be faithful and develop relationships with those who have been traumatized, and model Jesus, then it will lead to faith in Him, and behavior will show.

15. MOST IMPORTANTLY, Unconditional love and acceptance. When we read 1 Cor. 13, it is very clear that anything done without love is meaningless. All of the above points will do absolutely nothing for a person if they are not loved. Jesus loved us and gave His only Son to die for us. He accepted us, so we should do the same for others.

Matt 22:37-40 – “37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[d] 38 This is the first and great commandment.39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[e] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

John 3:16 – “16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

1 Cor. 13:4-7 – “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Rodney Calmes

TRAUMA And ACE’S, What The Bible Says About It

TRAUMA And ACE’S, What The Bible Says About It

What is an ACE?  A-Adverse  C-Childhood  E-Experience.

Adverse Childhood Experiences often caused Developmental Trauma, which is a physical change in brain development that resulted from adverse childhood experiences.

Ecclesiastes 7:7a – “Surely oppression destroys a wise man’s reason,”

Adverse Childhood Experiences are one of many forms of oppression that destroys one’s ability to reason.  It is not only proven medically, but also shown in the scripture.

Here are the common list of ACE’S and what the scriptures say about it:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Galatians 6:1 – “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”

1 Cor. 6:10 – “Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,[a] nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor REVILERS, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.”

There is a reason scripture says that revilers will not enter the kingdom of heaven in 1 Cor 6:10.  Reviling children traumatizes them.  Any harsh form of treatment traumatizes children and violates Galatians 6:1.

2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Exodus 21:22-25 - “If men fight, and hurt a woman with child, so that she gives birth prematurely, yet no harm follows, he shall surely be punished accordingly as the woman’s husband imposes on him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. 23 But if anyharm follows, then you shall give life for life, 24 eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, 25 burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

God values even the unborn children.   No where in scripture does it promote harming a child.  In Jewish law, any harm done to a child, unborn child or adult will be brought to court and the courts will appoint the same type of harm done to the one inflicting the harm.

Ephesians 6:4 – “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

We should not take our wrath out on our children.

The rod verses in Proverbs does not necessarily mean a physical rod with a physical beating.   There are symbolic meanings also in the original Hebrew definitions of the words.  What is the rod?

A kings staff – symbolizes authority.  Parents are to be in charge of their children for their well being, health, and safety.

The rod of a shepherd – shepherds used their rods to prod their sheep to guide them in the right direction.

Shepherds also used their rods to fight off wolves, thus they protected their sheep.

A branch used for grafting – we are wild olive branches being grafted into the cultivated olive tree.  We are to graft our children in Christ.  See Romans 11.  We are to train them up in the way they should go – see Proverbs 22:6.

What is the rod?

Authority,  guidance, protect, and graft into Christ.  The rod is not to cause harm or hurt.  There may be consequences for willfully doing wrong, and facing consequences may not be pleasant, but consequences should not cause harm.  Harming children traumatizes them.

3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

According to 1 Thessalonians 4:3, we are to abstain from sexual immortality.  We are not even to uncover the nakedness of children.  See Leviticus 18.  Sex is a sacred thing reserved for marriage.   Touching children sexually is a trespass against them and very traumatizing.  

4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Matt 22:37-40 – “37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[d] 38 This is the first and great commandment.39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[e] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

We are to love others and love our children.  They matter.   They are just as important as we are.  Jesus gave His life for them just as He did for us.  When children are not loved, or when they don’t matter, or when they are not important,  they are traumatized.

5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

1 Timothy 5:8 – “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his  household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

This is a serious statement for those who neglect their children.  It is not love, and causes trauma. 

6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

1 Cor 7:12-16 – “But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believed, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?”

There is a reason that the scripture says that the children would be unclean.   It is very traumatizing to a child to face divorce.  It destroys their families and sense of safety.  They are often confused.   God hates divorce (Mal 2:16)

7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Ephesians 5:25-29 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.”

Violence is not love.  Children witness that violence, and causes huge disruptions in their sense of safety and connection in the family.  

8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Ephesians 5:18 – “And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit”

Drunkenness and altered states of mind and consciousness from drugs and alcohol causes all kinds of foolishness to come out of a person.  They are not the same person as they are sober.   Children see that, and are harmed by it.  It can cause them to feel unloved, unsafe,  and neglected. 

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?                        No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Mental illness can be caused by a person going through trauma,  and it can be biological or result from chemical imbalances.   Even obesity can cause depression because the body has a different chemical balance.  We can avoid many mental illnesses by not traumatizing our children and spouses.

10. Did a household member go to prison?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Romans 13:1-7 – “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same. 4 For he is God’s minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God’s minister, an avenger to executewrath on him who practices evil.5 Therefore you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience’ sake. 6 For because of this you also pay taxes, for they are God’s ministers attending continually to this very thing.7 Render therefore to all their due: taxes to whom taxes are due, customs to whom customs, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor.”

Acts 5:27-29 – “And when they had brought them, they set them before the council. And the high priest asked them, 28 saying, “Did we not strictly command you not to teach in this name? And look, you have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, and intend to bring this Man’s blood on us!”
29 But Peter and the other apostles answered and said: “We ought to obey God rather than men.”

The Bible is very clear that we should obey the law, unless the law causes us to sin or disobey scripture.  People being jailed is caused by wickedness on done by the person jailed, or by wickedness or injustice done by the law.  In both cases,  children are effected and traumatized.

Now add up your “Yes” answers: _ This is your ACE score.

There are many other things that can cause ACE’S,  studies are being done.   Example is parents being divorced or separated, but children are also traumatized by the death of a parent when you read the full description closely.  Accidental death and other types of accidental trauma often cannot be prevented. The above 10 often can be prevented.   ACE’S are not limited to these 10 things.   Other sinful things are being studied, and may be included in ACE scores in the future. 

All sin has adverse effects on children and people in general.  

To help prevent ACE’S,  it is best to turn away from sin and turn to Jesus.

I am praying for you if you have experienced any types of ACE’S. 

Rodney Calmes

Ways That Hinder Training Up Your Children In The Way They Should Go ( see Prov. 22:6)

Ways That Hinder Training Up Your Children In The Way They Should Go (see Prov. 22:6)

Throughout scripture, we see that children should be taught, corrected, disciplined, instructed and guided in the way they should go.  Eph. 6:4 and Col. 3:21 talks about not provoking your children.   The common things parents do listed below brings up ways parents provoke their children and can do NOTHING to teach or guide them.

1.  "...because I said so!"  - There is no reasoning behind this,  has no value in teaching or guiding.  It gives an underlying message that the child is worthless and doesn’t matter.

2.  "You don't get a say!" - Another way of saying that they don't count or that they don't matter.  This also has no value in teaching or guiding.  It causes disconnection between the parent and child.  Hinders communication and builds walls between the parent and child.  The child feels like they have no voice, feels unloved and that you are not looking out for what is best for them, but only for your own selfish interests.

3.  "Just do what you are told!"  - This also takes away from a child feeling that they have any worth, and have no voice.   It hinders their ability to think and problem solve.  There is no value in teaching or guiding them with this.

4.  "I am the parent, that's why!" - Gives the child an underlying message that you don't care about them, but you only care about your own interests.  Doesn't teach them anything, and it teaches them to not think on their own.   It also makes them feel that they have no voice, builds walls between the parent and child, and hinders communication between the child and the parent.

5.  "You don't have to know why!"  - This is also fruitless in teaching anything.  It is fruitless in giving guidance.  Teaches a child not to think and hinders problem solving skills.  

6.  "Come on, hurry up!" - This teaches impatience,  gives a child or adult no chance to think or problem solve.  Any time a person has to rush, it can cause their mind to shut down.   This goes against the fruit of the Spirit as laid out in Galatians 5:23 which is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

All of things listed above are common American ways of bringing up children.  They go against Proverbs 22:6, and it is ABUSE and SINFUL to use sayings like this.   I can share from my experience of having things like these said to me,  it made me feel unloved as a child.  It made me feel worthless and I felt like I didn't matter. It also built a lot of mistrust.  I never learned anything from it, except not to bring children up like this.  I can tell that it hindered my ability to think and problem solve.  It hindered my ability to make decisions.  It took a long time to work through this. 

If you have been brought up like this, I will pray for you.  God can set you free from this, and He can restore you.  God has helped me through this.  He can do it for you also.

Rodney Calmes

TRAUMA

TRAUMA:

Trauma was mentioned in the Bible before scientists discovered the effects of trauma to the human brain.

Ecclesiastes 7:7 - "SURELY OPPRESSION DESTROYS A WISE MAN'S REASON, and a bribe debases the heart."

To Opress in Hebrew means to be cruel, fraud, cause distress, or gain unjustly.  Oppression basically covers all forms of abuse by definition.

The scripture is saying that abuse destroys a wise man's reason.   Scientifically,  when a person is being abused, they lose connections with their frontal lobes which is the part of the brain that allows a person to think, reason, and problem solve.  A person who is being abused loses those capabilities and goes into a flight, fight, or freeze mode.

This scenario brings Developmental Trauma to a child's brain, and also brings on Post Traumatic Stress to a child's and adult's brain.

Science proves scripture true.  Scripture also backs true science. 

I hope this brings insight on why being Trauma Informed is necessary for the churches and non-profit organizations. 

Rodney Calmes

From The Comfort God Gives You Through Your Adversities, You Will Comfort Others

From The Comfort God Gives You Through Your Adversities, You Will Comfort Others

We all face adversities.  Many of us who are reading this has faced at least one or more of these: abuse, bullying, sexual assault, neglect, parental divorce, alienation, etc.  Some of us faced other adversities such as PTSD, Developmental Trauma, Depression, or other mental illnesses that resulted from the previous adversities we faced.  Some of us struggled with cancer, heart disease, or other physical illnesses or injuries. We may also face financial trouble, job loss, tornadoes, fires, floods, or other disasters.

When you face adversity, don’t lose heart. Don’t give up.  God is with you.  Cast your burdens on Jesus and He will give you peace (Matt 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:7)

2 Cor 1:3-7 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer.  Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.  And our hope is steadfast because we know that you are partakers of the sufferings, so you will also partake of the consolation.”

How do we comfort people who are going through things we never went through?  How do you comfort someone with cancer if you never had it yourself?  Those who never had cancer don’t understand what cancer is like.  Those who had it understands what it is like and when they have been comforted from it, they can comfort others who go through it.

Many of us have been abused and we understand it.  We understand trauma where others who never experienced trauma doesn’t understand.  We go through it, because it equips us to minister to others who go through it. 

Our lives are our testimony.  When we share about our sufferings and comfort, it is a testimony to others who are going through it.  This is why it is VERY IMPORTANT NOT to keep silent.  Our families may want us to keep silent because they don’t want their sins exposed, but silence is the work of the devil.  How can you comfort someone or minister to them with silence?  This is why we cannot heal with silence.  It is God’s design so that He can use us to minister to others.

We may face adversity from our families when we speak out.  The scripture says in Matt 10:37 – “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.  And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”  Mark 19:29 – “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.”

Speaking out may cost us our families, but God will richly bless you and the blessing He gives will be far greater.  Don’t be silent. Your life is a testimony.  Your testimony will bring healing and comfort to others.  You will be a great encouragement and support to others.  That encouragement and support will have great changes in the lives of others.  You are all important. Your testimony is important.  When you are suffering, God is with you.  God will turn your suffering into a great blessing.  I myself can testify to this.

I will keep every one of you in prayer.

Rodney Calmes

Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Self harm often serves as a coping mechanism for abuse.  Why do we harm ourselves when others harm us?  It doesn't make sense to most people.  I will share based on my experience why we do it.

Abuse leaves deep pain and deep scars that can be unbearable.   This pain and scars are not always physical, but often go unseen.  We carry them inside,  not on the outside like the physical scars.  Here is how we attempt to cope with it.

Based on my experience,  it seems to feel better if we somehow deserved the abuse than it is if we have to accept that it wasn't right for people to abuse us.  We feel that we have to find a way to justify something that is a gross injustice.   This is how we do it.

I cannot find a reason to justify abusing any human or animal, so I have to find a reason that I deserved the abuse and people and animals don't.  What I often did is convince myself that I was worse than Adolf Hitler.  I also would equate myself to the devil himself.  This way I could justify the abuse that happened to me. 

I also had to convince myself that I was not worth being loved.  I looked at the reasons why my grandparents would beat me, mainly because they thought I was retarded.  This was even stated by them.  I would convince myself that it was true and that my history proves it.  I would use the reasoning that I attended Cybil Hopp School in DePere, Wisconsin when I was 5 to confirm that.  I would also use the fact that I was in Special Ed until 7th grade also to justify their reasoning to beat me, and convince myself that I would deserve it.

I would also look for other flaws about myself and find reasons that I deserved to be punished for it.  I would tell myself the following things:

1.  I am not worth being loved.

2.  I am not worth being considered a human being or even an animal. 

3.  I am only as good as the devil himself.

4.  I am a nuisance to everyone.

5.  I deserve what happened to me. 

After I tell myself that I deserve what happened to me,  then I would carry it out on myself to deserve it, or do even worse,  which includes cutting, burning,  abrasions, then applying salt or baking soda, then calling myself names.  I  also told myself that this world would be better off without me, then go further to harm myself.

What happens later?

In 1995, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  Then I would hear how much Jesus loves me, then would cry.  I would have no control of it.  I would ask myself the following:

1.  Why would Jesus love someone like me?

2.  Why would Jesus die for me? 

3.  How could God love me?  How is it even possible?

4.  Why would God choose me to be a part of His kingdom?   I'm not worth it. 

5.  What does God see in me that He paid such a huge price for me?  Why wouldn't he pick someone else who is better than me?

I would run away from kindness because someone being kind to me didn't seem right.  I wondered what was wrong with me. I also wondered what people thought of me in church when I would cry when I heard that Jesus loved me.

John 15:18-25 showed me that if the world hated me, they hated Jesus also, and I was set apart from this world to be a part of God's kingdom.

Luke 14:11 - "And whoever exalts himself will be abased, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."  Those who abused me were exalting themselves and will be humbled, but God will exalt me.

John 3:16 showed me that God considered me worth dying for, and He loved me enough to give His life for me.  If I didn't consider myself worth it,  God considered me worth it and paid that penalty for me.

Mark 12:10, Ephesians 2:20 - "The stone the builders rejected became the chief cornerstone.  That cornerstone was Jesus Christ."  I was rejected by the world,  but Jesus was rejected more so, and He was the chief cornerstone. It showed me that what the world rejected,  God considered important.  God showed that through Jesus, and through Jesus He considered me important. 

1 Cor. 1:27-28 has shown me that God took the things that are foolish and despised in this world to put to shame those who were wise in their own eyes and those who exalted themselves. 

Gen 1:27, 31 has shown me that God created me, and what God created was good and that I was created in His image.  Those who mistreated me has rejected what God has created. They ultimately reject God.

Psalm 139:14 has shown me that God has created me very carefully and He has wonderfully made me.  It also shows me that God created me as He chose, and what He created was sufficient for His purpose. 

1 Cor 12 has shown me that God has created me unique and gave me the gifts I needed to function as the part of the body of Christ I needed to function as with my own unique purpose, just as any body part has its own unique purpose.

What I have learned is that when people hated me, and I even hated myself, God still loved me enough to die for me, and carefully make me to the person He created me to be, and He cared enough to make me in His image and considered me precious in His sight.

I also want you to know that if you struggle like I have, God loves you also.  All of this applies to you also.  God considered you worth dying for, and you are all very precious to Him.  You were all created in His image and He has considered you all special to Him. 

God loves you even when you hate yourself.  God loves you when others hated you.  Nothing will change that.  You are all beautiful in His sight.  Through faith in Jesus,  He has made you a new creation.  You are all important.  You don't deserve abuse, and what people did to you, they did to God also.  You are all loved.  If you struggle like I have,  I will pray for you.  Feel free to message me if you need anything.

Rodney Calmes

Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

In my past posts, I have covered a lot about spanking. I will not have a lot of coverage on that in this post. I will cover more of the faults of the general Old School Model.

What is Old School?

It is an adversarial and punitive model in which the parents impose their will or try to control their children without allowing their children to be heard. It is also often done based on the parents erroneous perception of what is going on based on their lack of information and forcing their children to conform to that.

Why is this wrong?

1. We may understand the sinful nature of the flesh, but we often focus on that rather than focusing on the Holy Spirit and the good that the person can do in the Spirit. Therefore, we are focusing on the negative rather than encouraging the positive or encouraging the work of the Spirit.

2. Children are not heard. James 1:19-20 - "Therefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." We are being commanded to hear our children. Hearing them can help us make more informed solutions to solve the problems. 

3. Our will is imposed on them through adversarial and punitive means. Hebrews 12:10 - "For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness." Our parents chastened us and punished us to impose their will based on their own interests rather than what is best for us. God works for what is best for us. This is what our parenting system is guilty of.

4. Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in a way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Old School doesn't train. It doesn't teach a child ways to solve problems, but it only focuses on outward behaviors and punishing them rather than figuring out the root problems and teaching them solutions and ways of dealing with them. Punishing a kid without teaching them solutions is very discouraging to them, and leads to more problems.

5. Old School hinders communication. When children are not heard and parents impose their will on their children, it creates conflict and causes rebellion rather than teamwork and good communication and problem solving skills.

6. Old School does not promote kindness, compassion or empathy, but it promotes using violence to gain power and control and fear, which is not love. 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

I have watched "Day 1, Ross Greene", which he doesn't quote scripture, but found a method that works and has decreased juvenile detention greatly in the state of Maine. His method has scriptural support. Every person needs to be handled in a godly way whether they are children or adults.

See www.echoparenting.org

See also www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSDAqRnk-qY

Rodney Calmes

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

Too many people who are being abused don't leave because the church tells them they have to stay. Often when the survivors leave, the church shames, ridicules, or condemns them. Why does this happen?

Matt 19:9 - "And I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immortality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Malachi 2:16 - "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence."

Churches will use Matt 19:9 and verses like it and ask "Did your spouse commit adultery or have an affair?" "No!" "Then you must stay with him or her!" They will also use Malachi to say "God hates divorce!" They may go as far as saying that you cannot separate and that you must live with them. They will tell you that if you leave, then you are in sin, or may even put you out of the church. What about 1 Cor. 7?

1 Cor. 7 is often referenced and they may have talked to your spouse who tells them that they want to stay. Then they will come back to you and tell you that your abuser wants to stay and then tell you that you can't leave because of that. Did they really look at that situation in depth, or did they just scratch the surface and base their advice on that?

Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

The church may use Ephesians 5:22 and tell you that if your husband is beating you, then you must submit more. Is there something left out? What about Ephesians 5:23-27? Especially verse 25 - "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it," is beating your wife loving her as Christ loves the church?

How can we defend ourselves with the church when it opposes us? Let's look at things deeper and ask ourselves and the church the following:

1. Why does the spouse want to stay? Do they want to stay because they are willing to fill their part in the marriage, or do they want to stay because they will have someone to control and fill their selfish ambitions, or create an image for themselves?

2. After hearing what they say, look at what they show. Are they showing their spouse that they are willing to pour their commitment to the marriage, or are they only thinking of themselves and expecting their spouse to fulfill their selfishness?

3. Do they treat their spouse in a loving way and a way that is safe and good for their spouse, or do they continuously hurt them and force their spouse to leave for their own safety?

As we look at these, don't look at what they say, but look at what they show by their actions. Do they show by their actions that they want to stay?

Look at temporary "so called" repentance. Has that been proven to be a continuous cycle? (remorse, honeymoon stage, things escalate, abuse, remorse, honeymoon, escalate, abuse, ...)? This happens a lot. A cycle like this is false repentance. This cycle also proves that they are not willing to fulfill their marriage. Abuse continues. Does a person who is not willing to fulfill their marriage duties want to stay? Think about it.

If the spouse wants to leave, let them leave. Unwillingness to fulfill their marriage duties and roles and abuse is showing that they want to leave, let them leave. You are not bound under such circumstances. Find a safe place to live, and move on. You are released from your bond of marriage by your spouse SHOWING that they want to leave. It is not based on what they tell the church, but what they show you.

Many of you may be battling with your churches as far as leaving your abusive spouse. I hope that bringing this out can give you ammunition to defend yourself with the church, and I hope that the church can be more supportive of you.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Rodney Calmes

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

Many people will not accept or believe that spanking a child will do anything sexual to him or her. Medical evidence has proven that spanking can cause arousal in children even as early as toddler ages. This is how it works.

1. The nerves in the lower buttocks is connected to the genital regions. When pain is inflicted, it can travel through those nerves and cause sensations to be aroused in the genitals, thus causing involuntary and pre-mature arousal. The effects can be just as bad as a child being molested.
Tom Johnson quotes "The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to their sexual nerve centers. Hence the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals."

Tom Johnson also continues on with "The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation."


2. There are blood vessels that connect to the genital regions, and hitting the buttocks can force blood into those regions, which in turn will enhance arousal. Natural arousal will occur when blood flow is increased the the genitals whether the blood is forced there by hitting the buttocks or whether the blood flow is increased by a natural means.

Jillian Keenan states "Butts aren't just culturally sexualized; they are biologically sexual, too. Nerve tracts pass that through the lower spine carry sensory information to and from both the butt and the genitals. Some scientists speculate that these nerves can stimulate one region when the other is provoked. There's also a blood vessel in the pelvic region called the 'common iliac artery'. When blood rushes to a child's butt -- because, say, you're spanking him -- blood rushes down that artery. But the artery splits. Some of it directs blood to the genitals. So when you cause blood to rush to a child's butt, you're also causing it to rush to his or her other sex organs. The other time this kind of genital blood engorgement happens is during erection or arousal."

"Oxytocin, a hormone that is released during arousal, can increase pain tolerance by as much as 75 percent." - Jillian Keenan


3. This passage by Jillian Keenan also touches on the hormones that are released that can enhance arousal as well as adrenaline and endorphins that get released also during a spanking as well as sexual arousal.

With all of this being said, we have shown that spanking a child can cause involuntary arousal whether it is the intention of the parent or care taker or not. We are now going to take this further and talk about how it changes a child's sexual development starting just before adolescence.

This information from the above things stated often gets stored in the child's brain. Arousal by natural means should not awaken until sexual development occurs. Spankings can awaken arousal pre-maturely. When arousal is triggered by a spanking, the child may not realize it at the time. The brain can link the spanking to the sensations of arousal, which then can wire itself to connect spanking to arousal, and in some cases require spanking. When this link gets formed and when the brain connects spanking with arousal, the following changes can occur in the child's sexual development.

1. Desire for spanking or fascination with spankings which can begin prior to adolescence. (This is either difficult or impossible to reverse.)

2. A person may not desire spanking, but forming that link can cause a lack of sexual desire all together. (This is impossible or difficult at best to reverse.)

3. Sexual activity can trigger memories of childhood spankings.

4. Feelings of being sexually violated from childhood spankings.

5. Feelings of deep shame during marital sexual activity.

6. Feelings of fear or intimidation of sex or marriage.

7. Humiliation and feelings of being degraded when thoughts of sex occur.

These side effects and others not mentioned can remain with the person for life, and some of these often cannot be reversed.

When a spanking causes involuntary arousal in a child, it is one and the same as molesting a child. The effects it can have can be the same as the effects child molestation can have on a child.

I may face opposition for posting this, but felt it necessary to do so, so that parents who spank and those who believe in spanking can be aware of the effects it can have on their children.

Hopefully this information may encourage parents to find alternatives to spanking.
See the following links for more information.

nospank.net/sexdngrs.htm

http://www.slate.com/…/spanking_is_a_sex_act_which_is_why_i…

My personal experience is that I started to desire spankings at age 8. I often misbehaved to get spanked, but when alternatives were done to me from that age forward, I gave up on misbehaving. I tried to change this part of me for over 20 years and found it to be impossible. I had to come to a point of accepting this as a part of me.

I will also pray for you if you have struggles in this area.

Rodney Calmes

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

What is the second abuse?

1. The second abuse is when someone doesn't believe you went through what you did.
2. You are accused of lying.
3. People try to brush you off or not give you room to talk about it.
4. "Get over it!"
5. Making little of what happened to you such as "It wasn't that bad!"
6. Denying the abuse or its effects on you.
7. Gaslighting such as trying to convince you that your memories of the abuse is delusional.
8. Using others to gang up on you to try to convince you that it never happened.

The above are forms of the second abuse. Those who do these things are guilty of doing worse to you than what the original abuse was.

Second abusers are worse than the first. Why is this so?

1. We are trying to overcome the shame we felt inside that the abuse brought on us, and seeking validation that we don't need to bear that shame, but the second abuse heaps more shame on us.

2. We are coming up with the courage to speak about it and deal with it. Speaking about it is necessary for healing so that we can move forward and deal with it. The second abuse tries to silence us so that it makes it impossible for us to deal with it or heal.

3. We are seeking help to overcome it and seeking guidance and direction, but the second abuse disables prevents us from being able to speak in order to be able to seek this help.

4. We are trying to get people to understand us and what we deal with such as PTSD for example, so that they can understand why we struggle the way we do, but the second abuse keeps us from having others understand us. Thus, we carry the feeling that people will think there is something wrong with us.

5. We speak about what we remember, but the second abuse tends to make us doubt our own minds, and even worse, destroys our abilities to do simple things such as adding or subtracting, because we doubt if we can do it accurately.

6. The second abuse pushes us into further shame rather than helping us overcome it.

7. The second abuse puts guilt on us, especially when we are accused of lying.

8. Our reputation becomes tarnished when they go out and convince others that it never happened and those same people have an excellent reputation with outsiders.

9. The second abuse causes us to lose hope when no one believes us. We lose all hope of being understood, helped, or ministered to. We have to come to the realization that everyone will think we are nuts or that there is something wrong with us. We lose the ability to be ourselves and must walk around with a mask.

10. The second abuse causes us to lose all hope for healing and becoming the person God meant us to be.

Common sources of second abusers:
1. Families are the most common.
2. People our families or other abusers know.
3. The church leaders.
4. Church members.
5. Friends and acquaintences.
6. Teachers and school staff.
7. Legal systems such as the courts and officers.

Don't be a second abuser, being a second abuser is causing more harm to a person than what the original abuse they went through. Being a second abuser will make you worse than the ones who originally abused the person you come in contact with.

When someone talks about what happened, listen to them. Pray for them. "Judge not that you not be judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measures you use, it will be measured back to you." Matt 7:1-2.

Be gentle with the person, lead them into the scriptures in a way that would build them up. Show them the best example of God's love that you can. Try to understand them, and if you don't understand their struggles, don't pretend that you do. Let them know that you never dealt with their struggle, but share things you struggled with or currently struggle with and pray for each other.
If you can't help them, try to find someone who can. Don't brush them off.

Many of us as survivors have faced the second abuse. I have with my family and some who my family knew.

If you struggled with the second abuse, I will pray for you.

Rodney Calmes