What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

What To Do And What Never To Do When Ministering To Those Who Have Been Abused Or Traumatized

Many people want to do what is best for a person, and may say or do things with good intentions, but some of these may end up re-victimizing them instead of helping them.

How does a person re-victimize a person who has been abused or suffered from a traumatic event?

1.  “Get Over It!”- with good intentions, people may say this and try to prompt the person who has been traumatized to move on to different things and try to change the conversation to talk about something else.  A person who has been traumatized needs to process the trauma by talking through it and be heard and understood when doing it.  If the person cannot talk about what happened, they are unable to process it and thus unable to heal from their trauma. 

2. “It wasn’t that bad!” – often this is said with good intentions because the person ministering believes that if they can get the person who has been traumatized to believe it wasn’t as bad, it could make it better, but it ends up making it worse.  The traumatized person knows how bad it was, and are lead to believe that the one ministering to them doesn’t care to understand and doesn’t care to listen to them.  It hinders them from talking about it, and gives them a sense of being attacked.  This also hinders healing because it also hinders them from being able to process the trauma they have been through.

3. “It was the times!” “It’s normal for that to happen!” – Some forms of trauma can be common in some periods of time or in some cultures.  The minister may normalize it with the intention to make the traumatized person feel better because “everyone went through it”.  This has very similar effects as “It wasn’t that bad!”.

4. “It’s in the past, leave it in the past!”, “Let it drop!”, “You need to forgive and forget about it!”.  These are things said with good intentions.  When you get a flat tire and are late for work, you can get over that one quickly, and it is harmful to keep holding on to it.  Getting a flat tire and being late for work is a normal event.  The best thing we can do to deal with normal events is to just drop it and move on.  Traumatic events are much different.  Traumatic events are life changing events that have changed the structure of the brain permanently.  A person who went through trauma is like a person who had their leg cut off.  They have to live with the effects of it for the rest of their lives.  You can’t just forget about it or just drop it when you have to adapt to the changes it made.  Letting the person talk about it and processing it can help them adapt and heal from what happened. 

Doing any of the above 4 things even with good intentions often re-victimizes the person and they internalize it, and makes them feel like there is something wrong with them because a traumatized person cannot do the things listed above, and cannot heal if they try.  When you do the above 4 things mentioned, you are tearing the person down. You are doing nothing to build them up or encouraging them.  You are also forcing them to bear the burdens of their trauma alone. 

What the Bible says about it:
Luke 11:46 – “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”

Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

James 1:19 – “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”

What should we do and how can we apply these verses.

1.  Instead of saying “Get over it”, “Let it drop”, or “Leave it in the past”;. We ought to listen to them.  The Bible promotes listening.  Understand them and let them unload and help them process their thoughts.  Ask them more about what happened to help them unload more.  Let them know that you are there for them.  Let them also know that Jesus is there for them and that He will walk with them through this.

2. Understand that trauma is horrible, and what happened to them is horrible.  All sin is horrible in God’s eyes.  Understand that even the particular event that the person went through can have different effects on different people.  Some may be traumatized by it and others may have weathered it.  Just like 2 houses don’t get ripped apart the same from the same tornado. Saying that it “wasn’t that bad” is like saying that the tornado never did any damage to the torn down house.  If 10 houses got torn down from the tornado, it doesn’t make that particular torn down house any better. The same goes with culturalizing or normalizing the trauma.

3. Help them take the baby steps needed to recover. Each heals at different rates.  Be patient with them.  Lead them and guide them with a spirit of gentleness (see Galatians 6:1).  Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.  See Galatians 5:23. Provide a non-threatening environment for them, and it can promote healing and their neurological pathways to reroute to help them function better through it.  Pray for them and anoint them with oil if you feel lead.  James 5:14 – “ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”

4. Keep them in prayer, encourage them, and build them up.  Love them, see 1 Cor 13, anything done without love is meaningless.

For more information on how trauma effects the brain and to become Trauma Informed, check out www.echoparenting.org or check out Helping Hands Resource Center on Facebook.  Karen Gonzalez is the founder.

Rodney Calmes