Too many people who are being abused don't leave because the church tells them they have to stay. Often when the survivors leave, the church shames, ridicules, or condemns them. Why does this happen?
Matt 19:9 - "And I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immortality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."
Malachi 2:16 - "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence."
Churches will use Matt 19:9 and verses like it and ask "Did your spouse commit adultery or have an affair?" "No!" "Then you must stay with him or her!" They will also use Malachi to say "God hates divorce!" They may go as far as saying that you cannot separate and that you must live with them. They will tell you that if you leave, then you are in sin, or may even put you out of the church. What about 1 Cor. 7?
1 Cor. 7 is often referenced and they may have talked to your spouse who tells them that they want to stay. Then they will come back to you and tell you that your abuser wants to stay and then tell you that you can't leave because of that. Did they really look at that situation in depth, or did they just scratch the surface and base their advice on that?
Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."
The church may use Ephesians 5:22 and tell you that if your husband is beating you, then you must submit more. Is there something left out? What about Ephesians 5:23-27? Especially verse 25 - "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it," is beating your wife loving her as Christ loves the church?
How can we defend ourselves with the church when it opposes us? Let's look at things deeper and ask ourselves and the church the following:
1. Why does the spouse want to stay? Do they want to stay because they are willing to fill their part in the marriage, or do they want to stay because they will have someone to control and fill their selfish ambitions, or create an image for themselves?
2. After hearing what they say, look at what they show. Are they showing their spouse that they are willing to pour their commitment to the marriage, or are they only thinking of themselves and expecting their spouse to fulfill their selfishness?
3. Do they treat their spouse in a loving way and a way that is safe and good for their spouse, or do they continuously hurt them and force their spouse to leave for their own safety?
As we look at these, don't look at what they say, but look at what they show by their actions. Do they show by their actions that they want to stay?
Look at temporary "so called" repentance. Has that been proven to be a continuous cycle? (remorse, honeymoon stage, things escalate, abuse, remorse, honeymoon, escalate, abuse, ...)? This happens a lot. A cycle like this is false repentance. This cycle also proves that they are not willing to fulfill their marriage. Abuse continues. Does a person who is not willing to fulfill their marriage duties want to stay? Think about it.
If the spouse wants to leave, let them leave. Unwillingness to fulfill their marriage duties and roles and abuse is showing that they want to leave, let them leave. You are not bound under such circumstances. Find a safe place to live, and move on. You are released from your bond of marriage by your spouse SHOWING that they want to leave. It is not based on what they tell the church, but what they show you.
Many of you may be battling with your churches as far as leaving your abusive spouse. I hope that bringing this out can give you ammunition to defend yourself with the church, and I hope that the church can be more supportive of you.
I will be keeping you in my prayers.
Rodney Calmes
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