My Roots in Sadomasochism BDSM

My Roots in Sadomasochism BDSM

 

     This may be complicated. I was often spanked as a child, and when I lived with my grandparents I was spanked with a 3 foot stick. I do not recall having any involuntary sexual experiences from that. I was often spanked in school until I was 9. It would be rare if I went a day without being spanked.

     I started to like being spanked when I was 8. I also recall wanting to be spanked with a stick when I was 11, or even experiencing a full blown whipping. I did get spanked up to the age of 10. The first time I spanked myself was when I was 15, and did it more often when I was 18. I was always intrigued by the marks that were left from it, and my curiousity drove me to do more and more each time. I recall having an experience when I was 19, and became more hooked on it. I started seeking it out more and more. It bacame a daily thing eventually until I was 29. I did practice it since the age of 29. I was married at age 31, and later on, my wife stopped it because at times it triggered the abuse I went through with my grandparents and I reverted back to self harm. A lot of the spankings were considered self harm rather than S&M, but I got hooked into S&M as a result of it.

     I had felt ashamed that I got into S&M and thougth there was something wrong with me. I was afraid of being discovered. I often avoided locker rooms. I lived in apartments and tried to avoid using instruments that created a lot of noise. I had someone walk by and hid thinking that they could have seen me spanking myself through a crack in my window. I was afraid to tell someone about it. I was afraid that I would be sent to a mental ward if someone found out. I was ashamed of it and was very nervous about it. I thought there was something wrong with me. Every time I engaged, I thougth "What if the neighbors heard that?" "What if someone hears it through a window and sees me through a crack in the window?" I thought about telling someone, but chickened out. I finally told someone when I was 27, and was extremely nervous. That person was a group leader in my old church, and he told me that anything that is consentual between husband and wife is ok. I seen the numbers of people involved when i did my research paper, but it never sank in. When that person told me that it was more common than I think, and I met someone else who was into it, my nerves were eased.

     I researched the Bible thoroughly on S&M, and there is nothing in the Bible that either condones it or condemns it. I came to the conclusion that it is ok if it is consentual between husband and wife. I was more at peace about it, and accepted that it is a part of me. Smoking is another thing that the Bible neither condones nor condemns. We cannot condemn something that the Bible does not condemn. This was hard for me to share in a public forum, but I know how common it is and I share this in this group, but I will not share this in other groups because it can cause others to be uncomfortable. If you have uneasy feelings about being into S&M or feel ashamed of it, it is nothing to be ashamed of. The triggers are physical, not psychological. It is ok to be you. S&M may be a part of you and that is ok if you keep it between husband and wife and both are consentual. It is only wrong if it takes place outside of marriage, or if someone in the marriage is uncomfortable or not consenting to it.

God Bless,
Rodney Calmes