Abuse From Sado-Masochism (S&M) - What is Abuse and What is not Abuse

I, in the past, have touched briefly on this subject. I decided not to go into detail because I thought it was not an area of concern. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that there has been abuse in this area, so I will talk about it. I, myself have never been abused in this area, but I have been involved with it, so I will use person "S" and person "M" scenarios.

Sado-Masochism differs from self destructive behaviors because self destructive behaviors inflicts pain to fight bad emotions - generally speaking, and Sado-Masochism inflicts pain for pleasure - whether it is sexual or not. A Sadist - person "S" is one who likes to inflict pain on others, and a Masochist - person "M" is one who likes to receive pain. Sometimes self destructive behaviors can lead to S&M and sometimes S&M can lead to self destructive behaviors, and sometimes neither one will lead to the other.

Many times, but not in all cases, people into S&M will desire very similar punishments they have experienced as children. There is a wide range of activities in this. A majority of S&M involves spanking of different levels of severity - some like it light - with no damage and enough to create a sensation, and some like it heavy, where much damage and pain is inflicted. Not all S&M has to be just spanking, but a majority of people into it just like spankings and many times role playing revolving around spanking.

Examples would be person S is the teacher and person M is the student, and person S asks what person M did wrong, and person M says he/she flunked a test, or another thing being made up that he/she did wrong. It is all fictional and fun to them. Person S decides to punish person M by spanking him/her. This can also occur by person S being a parent and person M being the child, or Person S being the boss and Person M being the employee.Use of hand cuffs, jails, or being tied up falls more into bondage, and some like that too. Some also like being humiliated by having someone else saying mean things to them, or having them do degrading things. Not all people into S&M gets into these things. Some people into S&M may not even get into role playing, they may just like having pain inflicted on them, or inflicting pain on others.

Where does S&M become abuse, and where is S&M ok:
S&M is ok when both husband and wife consents to it. Both people must be comfortable with it. No one should do it reluctantly, but both must be willing partners. A good guideline is that both people discuss prior to the activity what should be done and what should not be done. If person M likes to be whipped severely with cuts, welts, bruises, lacerations, and swelling; and Person S is ok with that, then the activity is ok, and is not abuse. If either person is not comfortable with that, then it should not be done. If person M does not consent to being whipped like that, and person S does it anyway, it is abuse. If person M wants to be whipped like that and person S is reluctant or uncomfortable, do not insiste person S to do it, because insisting person S and making person S uncomfortable is abuse.

No means no, Stop means stop. This should be discussed prior to the activity. Sometimes you will see person M getting spanked and crying and saying "please don't", or other things as part of the role playing, and things continue, but that should be understood clearly prior to the activity. That "please don't" may be part of the role playing, but some ques need to be discussed for a person to stop. Example: when a person uses a que to boldly say "Stop", is a good que, and that que should be heeded, if activity continues after a person gives the que to stop, then it is abuse.

Consider the psychological condition of both people. If a person has been abused and the action may trigger flash backs, and cause trauma to the person, the activity should not continue. If the person is prone to self destructive behavior, and S&M activity could lead to that, it should not be done.

Safe guidelines should be discussed prior to the activity. Try to avoid practices that could hospitalize a person. Deep cuts and deep lacerations may require hospitalization. Light cuts and lacerations, bruising, swelling may not require hospitalization. When using instruments like whips and canes, hitting too hard could cause deep lacerations and deep cuts - use care when using these items, with much practice and or training. Accidents can happen and take precautions to try to avoid these accidents.

Discuss what a person likes and does not like prior to engaging in the activity. Example, if person M just likes getting spanked, person S should not do anything else to person M except spanking. If person M likes ear pulling only, person S should only do ear pulling, and not spanking. (a safe guideline to ear pulling is that it should be only done lightly, heavy pulling can permanently damage hearing or tear an ear lobe - it only takes as little as 4 lbs of pulling to tear an ear lobe or damage hearing).

Both people should understand safe guidelines to S&M activities, but if a person likes severe things done to them and both people understand the risks and are ok to take the damage the risks involved, that is up to them. Example: If a person M likes being whipped leaving lacerations and permanent scars, and person S is ok with it, that is up to them.

Anything that is done to a person beyond what they consent to or what they are ok with is abuse. Anything that is done where both husband and wife consented to and are comfortable with is ok. There is no scripture that forbids this type of activity between husband and wife.

If you have had something done to you that you did not consent to, you were abused, regardless of how much or how little damage was done. If you consented to it, then you were not abused, regardless of how much or how little damage was done.

If anyone has been abused in this area, I will pray for you!
Rodney Calmes