Biblical Perspective On How We Cope With Past Abuse, Sexual Assault, And Trauma
UNHEALTHY METHODS
1. DENIAL - We deny what happened to us. We try to pretend it never happened. 1 Cor 3:18a - “Let no one deceive himself.”. When we go into denial, we deceive ourselves, thus we are living a lie. Others may try to push us into denial as well, especially perpetrators or families of perpetrators. This is a very unhealthy way to cope with traumatic events.
2. “WE DESERVE IT” or JUSTIFYING THE ABUSE - When we cannot deny the event, we may find reasons that it was right for us or reasons that we deserved it or caused it. Perpetrators or families of perpetrators may blame us for the abuse we got or find reasons that it was our fault or why we deserved or caused it. We may blame it on one or more of our mistakes or misdeeds, we may blame it on how we looked, dressed, etc. We may have made mistakes, but we are not responsible on how we were handled because of it. The responsibility is the perpetrator’s. Sin cannot be justified. Sin is not right. It is never right for anyone to sin against us. Each person will be accountable for their own sin, including the perpetrators. The perpetrator's sin will be on his or her own head. Deuteronomy 24:16 -
"Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor shall the children be put to death for their fathers; a person shall be put to death for his own sin.
3. HURTING OURSELVES - in some cases, we may inflict harm to ourselves as a means of justifying what happened to us and “confirming” the justification to ourselves. We may do it because of the endorphins it releases in our bodies, thus giving us relief from the pain stored up inside us and suppressing it. This is also very unhealthy. God created us in His image. God loves you and He wants to help you overcome the burdens you carry inside. God doesn't want to see you hurting yourself. God wants to heal you. This can be very addictive, even more so than drugs or alcohol.
4. ADDICTIONS (DRUG/ALCOHOL/FOOD/SEX) - All of these may provide pleasure to us. They may be things we turn to in order to get our minds off our pain. They may provide a means of escape for the moment we engage in these pleasures. This is also very unhealthy. The Bible tells us not to be given into drunkenness, gluttony, or fornication/adultery. See Proverbs 23:20-21, Colossians 3:5
With all this being said, how should we cope? What are good biblical healthy ways to cope?
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matt 6:14-15
Forgiveness is often easy for normal events because the process of forgiveness on normal events moves as fast as the speed of light. The steps needed doesn't go as quickly for traumatic events. The following healthy steps are needed to be able to forgive.
HEALTHY STEPS LEADING TO HEALING AND FORGIVENESS
1. ACCEPTANCE - Acceptance is taken in several steps.
A. Acknowledging what happened.
B. Allowing the hurts and pain to come to the surface.
C. Processing what happened which may require talking about it to God and to someone who you can trust. It should not be done alone, you may need someone to help you with this step. You may need to talk about it repeatedly until you are comfortable with it.
D. Don't rush it. You have suffered a great evil leaving a huge wound. Huge wounds left by overwhelming events can take a lot of time to heal and process.
E. Accepting what happened. Once you have been able to process it completely, you can then make the choice to accept what happened.
F. Give it to God. As you go through each step of acceptance, give it to God along the way. Now you will be able to proceed to step 2.
2. FORGIVENESS - Once we have accepted what happened to us, we can now take this step to forgive. We must understand the following about forgiveness.
A. Forgiveness is NOT denial.
B. Forgiveness is NOT justifying what happened to us. It does NOT make what happened to us ok or right.
C. Forgiveness is accepting what happened to us, accepting that it was wrong, and choosing to not wish for misfortune or evil to happen to the perpetrators.
D. Forgiveness is NOT making light of what happened to us, but acknowledging that it was a very gross evil violation to us and our bodies, but having the willingness to not take vengeance on the person and let God deal with it. Choosing to love the person who wronged you, but keeping your distance from them.
E. Forgiveness is NOT trusting the perpetrators. It is best to take caution around them. Pray for them to come to repentance.
3. TRUSTING GOD - How can anything good come from what happened to us? All science shows that it was bad for our brain development. Cat scans prove permanent physical changes in our brains from the event(s). How can God make something good from this? It takes faith.
A. God will direct our paths. Proverbs 16:9. We may not be the person we may have been if the events never happened to us, but God will give us what is sufficient to accomplish His will in our lives.
B. God uses the iniquities that were committed against us to conform us to the likeness of Jesus. He will grow us in our understanding. He will use it to minister to others. We will understand those who suffered like we have. God will deliver us, thus will form our testimony from what happened to us for the encouragement of others and lead others to Himself.
C. Others will be healed from the healing God gives us, thus bringing glory to Him. These things will begin to unfold when we start to trust God and put our faith in Him.
4. ALLOW GOD TO USE US - This comes from trusting Him and putting our faith in Him. Much healing comes in this step. We start to see how God used the garage in our lives and turned them into a huge blessing. We will experience God's blessing in this step.
These above steps will promote spiritual healing from trauma. I also advise counseling because there are physical changes in our brains that happened from such events. Counselors can help aid this by giving us brain exercises through art, motor skills exercises, etc., which can help our physical brains to reconnect from the bottom (survival part) up to the top (thinking, creative parts) to help with enhancing our cognitive abilities.
For all who have suffered traumatic events, I will be praying for you.
Rodney Calmes
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