Ways That Hinder Training Up Your Children In The Way They Should Go ( see Prov. 22:6)

Ways That Hinder Training Up Your Children In The Way They Should Go (see Prov. 22:6)

Throughout scripture, we see that children should be taught, corrected, disciplined, instructed and guided in the way they should go.  Eph. 6:4 and Col. 3:21 talks about not provoking your children.   The common things parents do listed below brings up ways parents provoke their children and can do NOTHING to teach or guide them.

1.  "...because I said so!"  - There is no reasoning behind this,  has no value in teaching or guiding.  It gives an underlying message that the child is worthless and doesn’t matter.

2.  "You don't get a say!" - Another way of saying that they don't count or that they don't matter.  This also has no value in teaching or guiding.  It causes disconnection between the parent and child.  Hinders communication and builds walls between the parent and child.  The child feels like they have no voice, feels unloved and that you are not looking out for what is best for them, but only for your own selfish interests.

3.  "Just do what you are told!"  - This also takes away from a child feeling that they have any worth, and have no voice.   It hinders their ability to think and problem solve.  There is no value in teaching or guiding them with this.

4.  "I am the parent, that's why!" - Gives the child an underlying message that you don't care about them, but you only care about your own interests.  Doesn't teach them anything, and it teaches them to not think on their own.   It also makes them feel that they have no voice, builds walls between the parent and child, and hinders communication between the child and the parent.

5.  "You don't have to know why!"  - This is also fruitless in teaching anything.  It is fruitless in giving guidance.  Teaches a child not to think and hinders problem solving skills.  

6.  "Come on, hurry up!" - This teaches impatience,  gives a child or adult no chance to think or problem solve.  Any time a person has to rush, it can cause their mind to shut down.   This goes against the fruit of the Spirit as laid out in Galatians 5:23 which is love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

All of things listed above are common American ways of bringing up children.  They go against Proverbs 22:6, and it is ABUSE and SINFUL to use sayings like this.   I can share from my experience of having things like these said to me,  it made me feel unloved as a child.  It made me feel worthless and I felt like I didn't matter. It also built a lot of mistrust.  I never learned anything from it, except not to bring children up like this.  I can tell that it hindered my ability to think and problem solve.  It hindered my ability to make decisions.  It took a long time to work through this. 

If you have been brought up like this, I will pray for you.  God can set you free from this, and He can restore you.  God has helped me through this.  He can do it for you also.

Rodney Calmes

TRAUMA

TRAUMA:

Trauma was mentioned in the Bible before scientists discovered the effects of trauma to the human brain.

Ecclesiastes 7:7 - "SURELY OPPRESSION DESTROYS A WISE MAN'S REASON, and a bribe debases the heart."

To Opress in Hebrew means to be cruel, fraud, cause distress, or gain unjustly.  Oppression basically covers all forms of abuse by definition.

The scripture is saying that abuse destroys a wise man's reason.   Scientifically,  when a person is being abused, they lose connections with their frontal lobes which is the part of the brain that allows a person to think, reason, and problem solve.  A person who is being abused loses those capabilities and goes into a flight, fight, or freeze mode.

This scenario brings Developmental Trauma to a child's brain, and also brings on Post Traumatic Stress to a child's and adult's brain.

Science proves scripture true.  Scripture also backs true science. 

I hope this brings insight on why being Trauma Informed is necessary for the churches and non-profit organizations. 

Rodney Calmes

From The Comfort God Gives You Through Your Adversities, You Will Comfort Others

From The Comfort God Gives You Through Your Adversities, You Will Comfort Others

We all face adversities.  Many of us who are reading this has faced at least one or more of these: abuse, bullying, sexual assault, neglect, parental divorce, alienation, etc.  Some of us faced other adversities such as PTSD, Developmental Trauma, Depression, or other mental illnesses that resulted from the previous adversities we faced.  Some of us struggled with cancer, heart disease, or other physical illnesses or injuries. We may also face financial trouble, job loss, tornadoes, fires, floods, or other disasters.

When you face adversity, don’t lose heart. Don’t give up.  God is with you.  Cast your burdens on Jesus and He will give you peace (Matt 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:7)

2 Cor 1:3-7 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer.  Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.  And our hope is steadfast because we know that you are partakers of the sufferings, so you will also partake of the consolation.”

How do we comfort people who are going through things we never went through?  How do you comfort someone with cancer if you never had it yourself?  Those who never had cancer don’t understand what cancer is like.  Those who had it understands what it is like and when they have been comforted from it, they can comfort others who go through it.

Many of us have been abused and we understand it.  We understand trauma where others who never experienced trauma doesn’t understand.  We go through it, because it equips us to minister to others who go through it. 

Our lives are our testimony.  When we share about our sufferings and comfort, it is a testimony to others who are going through it.  This is why it is VERY IMPORTANT NOT to keep silent.  Our families may want us to keep silent because they don’t want their sins exposed, but silence is the work of the devil.  How can you comfort someone or minister to them with silence?  This is why we cannot heal with silence.  It is God’s design so that He can use us to minister to others.

We may face adversity from our families when we speak out.  The scripture says in Matt 10:37 – “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.  And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”  Mark 19:29 – “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.”

Speaking out may cost us our families, but God will richly bless you and the blessing He gives will be far greater.  Don’t be silent. Your life is a testimony.  Your testimony will bring healing and comfort to others.  You will be a great encouragement and support to others.  That encouragement and support will have great changes in the lives of others.  You are all important. Your testimony is important.  When you are suffering, God is with you.  God will turn your suffering into a great blessing.  I myself can testify to this.

I will keep every one of you in prayer.

Rodney Calmes

Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Self harm often serves as a coping mechanism for abuse.  Why do we harm ourselves when others harm us?  It doesn't make sense to most people.  I will share based on my experience why we do it.

Abuse leaves deep pain and deep scars that can be unbearable.   This pain and scars are not always physical, but often go unseen.  We carry them inside,  not on the outside like the physical scars.  Here is how we attempt to cope with it.

Based on my experience,  it seems to feel better if we somehow deserved the abuse than it is if we have to accept that it wasn't right for people to abuse us.  We feel that we have to find a way to justify something that is a gross injustice.   This is how we do it.

I cannot find a reason to justify abusing any human or animal, so I have to find a reason that I deserved the abuse and people and animals don't.  What I often did is convince myself that I was worse than Adolf Hitler.  I also would equate myself to the devil himself.  This way I could justify the abuse that happened to me. 

I also had to convince myself that I was not worth being loved.  I looked at the reasons why my grandparents would beat me, mainly because they thought I was retarded.  This was even stated by them.  I would convince myself that it was true and that my history proves it.  I would use the reasoning that I attended Cybil Hopp School in DePere, Wisconsin when I was 5 to confirm that.  I would also use the fact that I was in Special Ed until 7th grade also to justify their reasoning to beat me, and convince myself that I would deserve it.

I would also look for other flaws about myself and find reasons that I deserved to be punished for it.  I would tell myself the following things:

1.  I am not worth being loved.

2.  I am not worth being considered a human being or even an animal. 

3.  I am only as good as the devil himself.

4.  I am a nuisance to everyone.

5.  I deserve what happened to me. 

After I tell myself that I deserve what happened to me,  then I would carry it out on myself to deserve it, or do even worse,  which includes cutting, burning,  abrasions, then applying salt or baking soda, then calling myself names.  I  also told myself that this world would be better off without me, then go further to harm myself.

What happens later?

In 1995, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  Then I would hear how much Jesus loves me, then would cry.  I would have no control of it.  I would ask myself the following:

1.  Why would Jesus love someone like me?

2.  Why would Jesus die for me? 

3.  How could God love me?  How is it even possible?

4.  Why would God choose me to be a part of His kingdom?   I'm not worth it. 

5.  What does God see in me that He paid such a huge price for me?  Why wouldn't he pick someone else who is better than me?

I would run away from kindness because someone being kind to me didn't seem right.  I wondered what was wrong with me. I also wondered what people thought of me in church when I would cry when I heard that Jesus loved me.

John 15:18-25 showed me that if the world hated me, they hated Jesus also, and I was set apart from this world to be a part of God's kingdom.

Luke 14:11 - "And whoever exalts himself will be abased, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."  Those who abused me were exalting themselves and will be humbled, but God will exalt me.

John 3:16 showed me that God considered me worth dying for, and He loved me enough to give His life for me.  If I didn't consider myself worth it,  God considered me worth it and paid that penalty for me.

Mark 12:10, Ephesians 2:20 - "The stone the builders rejected became the chief cornerstone.  That cornerstone was Jesus Christ."  I was rejected by the world,  but Jesus was rejected more so, and He was the chief cornerstone. It showed me that what the world rejected,  God considered important.  God showed that through Jesus, and through Jesus He considered me important. 

1 Cor. 1:27-28 has shown me that God took the things that are foolish and despised in this world to put to shame those who were wise in their own eyes and those who exalted themselves. 

Gen 1:27, 31 has shown me that God created me, and what God created was good and that I was created in His image.  Those who mistreated me has rejected what God has created. They ultimately reject God.

Psalm 139:14 has shown me that God has created me very carefully and He has wonderfully made me.  It also shows me that God created me as He chose, and what He created was sufficient for His purpose. 

1 Cor 12 has shown me that God has created me unique and gave me the gifts I needed to function as the part of the body of Christ I needed to function as with my own unique purpose, just as any body part has its own unique purpose.

What I have learned is that when people hated me, and I even hated myself, God still loved me enough to die for me, and carefully make me to the person He created me to be, and He cared enough to make me in His image and considered me precious in His sight.

I also want you to know that if you struggle like I have, God loves you also.  All of this applies to you also.  God considered you worth dying for, and you are all very precious to Him.  You were all created in His image and He has considered you all special to Him. 

God loves you even when you hate yourself.  God loves you when others hated you.  Nothing will change that.  You are all beautiful in His sight.  Through faith in Jesus,  He has made you a new creation.  You are all important.  You don't deserve abuse, and what people did to you, they did to God also.  You are all loved.  If you struggle like I have,  I will pray for you.  Feel free to message me if you need anything.

Rodney Calmes

Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

In my past posts, I have covered a lot about spanking. I will not have a lot of coverage on that in this post. I will cover more of the faults of the general Old School Model.

What is Old School?

It is an adversarial and punitive model in which the parents impose their will or try to control their children without allowing their children to be heard. It is also often done based on the parents erroneous perception of what is going on based on their lack of information and forcing their children to conform to that.

Why is this wrong?

1. We may understand the sinful nature of the flesh, but we often focus on that rather than focusing on the Holy Spirit and the good that the person can do in the Spirit. Therefore, we are focusing on the negative rather than encouraging the positive or encouraging the work of the Spirit.

2. Children are not heard. James 1:19-20 - "Therefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." We are being commanded to hear our children. Hearing them can help us make more informed solutions to solve the problems. 

3. Our will is imposed on them through adversarial and punitive means. Hebrews 12:10 - "For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness." Our parents chastened us and punished us to impose their will based on their own interests rather than what is best for us. God works for what is best for us. This is what our parenting system is guilty of.

4. Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in a way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Old School doesn't train. It doesn't teach a child ways to solve problems, but it only focuses on outward behaviors and punishing them rather than figuring out the root problems and teaching them solutions and ways of dealing with them. Punishing a kid without teaching them solutions is very discouraging to them, and leads to more problems.

5. Old School hinders communication. When children are not heard and parents impose their will on their children, it creates conflict and causes rebellion rather than teamwork and good communication and problem solving skills.

6. Old School does not promote kindness, compassion or empathy, but it promotes using violence to gain power and control and fear, which is not love. 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

I have watched "Day 1, Ross Greene", which he doesn't quote scripture, but found a method that works and has decreased juvenile detention greatly in the state of Maine. His method has scriptural support. Every person needs to be handled in a godly way whether they are children or adults.

See www.echoparenting.org

See also www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSDAqRnk-qY

Rodney Calmes

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

Too many people who are being abused don't leave because the church tells them they have to stay. Often when the survivors leave, the church shames, ridicules, or condemns them. Why does this happen?

Matt 19:9 - "And I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immortality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Malachi 2:16 - "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence."

Churches will use Matt 19:9 and verses like it and ask "Did your spouse commit adultery or have an affair?" "No!" "Then you must stay with him or her!" They will also use Malachi to say "God hates divorce!" They may go as far as saying that you cannot separate and that you must live with them. They will tell you that if you leave, then you are in sin, or may even put you out of the church. What about 1 Cor. 7?

1 Cor. 7 is often referenced and they may have talked to your spouse who tells them that they want to stay. Then they will come back to you and tell you that your abuser wants to stay and then tell you that you can't leave because of that. Did they really look at that situation in depth, or did they just scratch the surface and base their advice on that?

Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

The church may use Ephesians 5:22 and tell you that if your husband is beating you, then you must submit more. Is there something left out? What about Ephesians 5:23-27? Especially verse 25 - "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it," is beating your wife loving her as Christ loves the church?

How can we defend ourselves with the church when it opposes us? Let's look at things deeper and ask ourselves and the church the following:

1. Why does the spouse want to stay? Do they want to stay because they are willing to fill their part in the marriage, or do they want to stay because they will have someone to control and fill their selfish ambitions, or create an image for themselves?

2. After hearing what they say, look at what they show. Are they showing their spouse that they are willing to pour their commitment to the marriage, or are they only thinking of themselves and expecting their spouse to fulfill their selfishness?

3. Do they treat their spouse in a loving way and a way that is safe and good for their spouse, or do they continuously hurt them and force their spouse to leave for their own safety?

As we look at these, don't look at what they say, but look at what they show by their actions. Do they show by their actions that they want to stay?

Look at temporary "so called" repentance. Has that been proven to be a continuous cycle? (remorse, honeymoon stage, things escalate, abuse, remorse, honeymoon, escalate, abuse, ...)? This happens a lot. A cycle like this is false repentance. This cycle also proves that they are not willing to fulfill their marriage. Abuse continues. Does a person who is not willing to fulfill their marriage duties want to stay? Think about it.

If the spouse wants to leave, let them leave. Unwillingness to fulfill their marriage duties and roles and abuse is showing that they want to leave, let them leave. You are not bound under such circumstances. Find a safe place to live, and move on. You are released from your bond of marriage by your spouse SHOWING that they want to leave. It is not based on what they tell the church, but what they show you.

Many of you may be battling with your churches as far as leaving your abusive spouse. I hope that bringing this out can give you ammunition to defend yourself with the church, and I hope that the church can be more supportive of you.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Rodney Calmes

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

Many people will not accept or believe that spanking a child will do anything sexual to him or her. Medical evidence has proven that spanking can cause arousal in children even as early as toddler ages. This is how it works.

1. The nerves in the lower buttocks is connected to the genital regions. When pain is inflicted, it can travel through those nerves and cause sensations to be aroused in the genitals, thus causing involuntary and pre-mature arousal. The effects can be just as bad as a child being molested.
Tom Johnson quotes "The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to their sexual nerve centers. Hence the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals."

Tom Johnson also continues on with "The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation."


2. There are blood vessels that connect to the genital regions, and hitting the buttocks can force blood into those regions, which in turn will enhance arousal. Natural arousal will occur when blood flow is increased the the genitals whether the blood is forced there by hitting the buttocks or whether the blood flow is increased by a natural means.

Jillian Keenan states "Butts aren't just culturally sexualized; they are biologically sexual, too. Nerve tracts pass that through the lower spine carry sensory information to and from both the butt and the genitals. Some scientists speculate that these nerves can stimulate one region when the other is provoked. There's also a blood vessel in the pelvic region called the 'common iliac artery'. When blood rushes to a child's butt -- because, say, you're spanking him -- blood rushes down that artery. But the artery splits. Some of it directs blood to the genitals. So when you cause blood to rush to a child's butt, you're also causing it to rush to his or her other sex organs. The other time this kind of genital blood engorgement happens is during erection or arousal."

"Oxytocin, a hormone that is released during arousal, can increase pain tolerance by as much as 75 percent." - Jillian Keenan


3. This passage by Jillian Keenan also touches on the hormones that are released that can enhance arousal as well as adrenaline and endorphins that get released also during a spanking as well as sexual arousal.

With all of this being said, we have shown that spanking a child can cause involuntary arousal whether it is the intention of the parent or care taker or not. We are now going to take this further and talk about how it changes a child's sexual development starting just before adolescence.

This information from the above things stated often gets stored in the child's brain. Arousal by natural means should not awaken until sexual development occurs. Spankings can awaken arousal pre-maturely. When arousal is triggered by a spanking, the child may not realize it at the time. The brain can link the spanking to the sensations of arousal, which then can wire itself to connect spanking to arousal, and in some cases require spanking. When this link gets formed and when the brain connects spanking with arousal, the following changes can occur in the child's sexual development.

1. Desire for spanking or fascination with spankings which can begin prior to adolescence. (This is either difficult or impossible to reverse.)

2. A person may not desire spanking, but forming that link can cause a lack of sexual desire all together. (This is impossible or difficult at best to reverse.)

3. Sexual activity can trigger memories of childhood spankings.

4. Feelings of being sexually violated from childhood spankings.

5. Feelings of deep shame during marital sexual activity.

6. Feelings of fear or intimidation of sex or marriage.

7. Humiliation and feelings of being degraded when thoughts of sex occur.

These side effects and others not mentioned can remain with the person for life, and some of these often cannot be reversed.

When a spanking causes involuntary arousal in a child, it is one and the same as molesting a child. The effects it can have can be the same as the effects child molestation can have on a child.

I may face opposition for posting this, but felt it necessary to do so, so that parents who spank and those who believe in spanking can be aware of the effects it can have on their children.

Hopefully this information may encourage parents to find alternatives to spanking.
See the following links for more information.

nospank.net/sexdngrs.htm

http://www.slate.com/…/spanking_is_a_sex_act_which_is_why_i…

My personal experience is that I started to desire spankings at age 8. I often misbehaved to get spanked, but when alternatives were done to me from that age forward, I gave up on misbehaving. I tried to change this part of me for over 20 years and found it to be impossible. I had to come to a point of accepting this as a part of me.

I will also pray for you if you have struggles in this area.

Rodney Calmes

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

What is the second abuse?

1. The second abuse is when someone doesn't believe you went through what you did.
2. You are accused of lying.
3. People try to brush you off or not give you room to talk about it.
4. "Get over it!"
5. Making little of what happened to you such as "It wasn't that bad!"
6. Denying the abuse or its effects on you.
7. Gaslighting such as trying to convince you that your memories of the abuse is delusional.
8. Using others to gang up on you to try to convince you that it never happened.

The above are forms of the second abuse. Those who do these things are guilty of doing worse to you than what the original abuse was.

Second abusers are worse than the first. Why is this so?

1. We are trying to overcome the shame we felt inside that the abuse brought on us, and seeking validation that we don't need to bear that shame, but the second abuse heaps more shame on us.

2. We are coming up with the courage to speak about it and deal with it. Speaking about it is necessary for healing so that we can move forward and deal with it. The second abuse tries to silence us so that it makes it impossible for us to deal with it or heal.

3. We are seeking help to overcome it and seeking guidance and direction, but the second abuse disables prevents us from being able to speak in order to be able to seek this help.

4. We are trying to get people to understand us and what we deal with such as PTSD for example, so that they can understand why we struggle the way we do, but the second abuse keeps us from having others understand us. Thus, we carry the feeling that people will think there is something wrong with us.

5. We speak about what we remember, but the second abuse tends to make us doubt our own minds, and even worse, destroys our abilities to do simple things such as adding or subtracting, because we doubt if we can do it accurately.

6. The second abuse pushes us into further shame rather than helping us overcome it.

7. The second abuse puts guilt on us, especially when we are accused of lying.

8. Our reputation becomes tarnished when they go out and convince others that it never happened and those same people have an excellent reputation with outsiders.

9. The second abuse causes us to lose hope when no one believes us. We lose all hope of being understood, helped, or ministered to. We have to come to the realization that everyone will think we are nuts or that there is something wrong with us. We lose the ability to be ourselves and must walk around with a mask.

10. The second abuse causes us to lose all hope for healing and becoming the person God meant us to be.

Common sources of second abusers:
1. Families are the most common.
2. People our families or other abusers know.
3. The church leaders.
4. Church members.
5. Friends and acquaintences.
6. Teachers and school staff.
7. Legal systems such as the courts and officers.

Don't be a second abuser, being a second abuser is causing more harm to a person than what the original abuse they went through. Being a second abuser will make you worse than the ones who originally abused the person you come in contact with.

When someone talks about what happened, listen to them. Pray for them. "Judge not that you not be judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measures you use, it will be measured back to you." Matt 7:1-2.

Be gentle with the person, lead them into the scriptures in a way that would build them up. Show them the best example of God's love that you can. Try to understand them, and if you don't understand their struggles, don't pretend that you do. Let them know that you never dealt with their struggle, but share things you struggled with or currently struggle with and pray for each other.
If you can't help them, try to find someone who can. Don't brush them off.

Many of us as survivors have faced the second abuse. I have with my family and some who my family knew.

If you struggled with the second abuse, I will pray for you.

Rodney Calmes

No More Silence

No More Silence

Abusers may appear to be very nice people on the outside. They may have friends, some may achieve leadership positions in the church. Many times abusers obtain very significant positions in society. They may be very well liked by people and many people will know them as very nice people, BUT WE NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

It is usually us as survivors who are not believed. We as survivors have not been heard. Our abusers have so many convinced of their lies that many people believe that we are the liars. Many people believe "how can a nice person like that be an abuser?", this forced us into silence, thus making the abuse a family secret.

Many of us survivors have been subjected to further abuse because of that. No one believes us so we are subjected to further rejection. Those who were not abused do not understand this because they have not experienced this. We face rejection from the church and are often disfellowshipped or kicked out. Some of us may have lost jobs, been sued, etc. We as survivors are the ones who gets rejected by our society because of their lies. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON TOO LONG.

No more shall we be silenced, no more shall we face further abuse and rejection because of their lies. It is our turn to speak. No more shall we have a bad reputation because of their lies. Now it is time to put this message to public awareness. It is time to make the public aware of their schemes.

When a survivor gets kicked out of the church, that is a sin against God. When a survivor gets accused of ruining an abuser's reputation and gets sued, that is a sin against God. When a survivor gets fired, that is a sin against God. God sees this. God sees our pain and struggles. Now it is time to bring this to the attention to the public. Now it is time that the abusers get the reputation they deserve.

I will pray for all of you!

Rodney Calmes

Correction Vs. Punishment (Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture) part 2

Correction Vs. Punishment (Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture) part 2

On my last post "Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture", we have seen that throughout the scriptures that God does NOT punish His children, but He Corrects His children. If a parent should be a model of God, parents should not punish their children either, but correction is a necessary part ...of bringing up children.
In this post, I am going to share some of the differences between punishment and correction.

Punishment exercises vengeance for a wrong doing.
Correction exercises prudent instruction.

Punishment is severe and abusive.
Correction does what is necessary to teach and instill instruction.

Punishment tears a person down.
Correction addresses an issue and builds up the person.

Punishment promotes negativity.
Correction gives positive instruction.

Punishment discourages a person.
Correction encourages a person to turn from evil and to do good.

Both punishment and correction can be unpleasant, but punishment tortures a person and causes harm, where correction does not torture and is for the good of the person.

Punishment is harmful.
Correction causes no harm.

Punishment is done in anger and wrath.
Correction is done with love.

Punishment is often violent.
Correction is prudent and absent of violence.

Punishment: "You did this wrong, so I am going to do that to you."
Correction: "I am doing this because it will benefit you so that you can learn from this."

Punishment produces destructive criticism.
Correction produces constructive criticism.

Punishment has no regard to a child's mental, emotional or physical health or well being and often harms those things.
Correction takes a high regard to a child's mental, emotional, and physical health and well being and makes sure that those things are not harmed.

Too many parents use punishment instead of correction. No where in the scriptures does the Bible promote punishment, but there are all kinds of scriptures that encourage correction.

We should never withhold correction from a child, but we should avoid punishment at all costs.

When you choose to exercise punishment, think about how punishment has hurt you and how it was destructive, then think of a constructive way of teaching the child. Willful disobedience may have consequences, but the consequences should be done to bring repentance, instruction, and encouragement to do good.

Rodney Calmes

Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture

Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture

To Teach, Admonish, Train, Instruct, Rebuke, Reproof, Guide, Correct, And Chasten

There are more verses on teaching, admonishing, training, reproof, guidance, correcting, and chastening than there are on beating. There is not one verse that says to beat where it doesn't include something about correction or instruction. This would imply that any form of beating or pumishment without instruction is clearly abuse.

As I have studied the Hebrew in the Old Testament and the Greek in the New Testament, more insights will be shed on this topic. I am going to start with Proverbs as we look closely on how we should bring up children on a scriptural level.

When we look at Proverbs 23:13-14 - "Do not withhold CORRECTION from a CHILD, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell."
When we read this in the English we understand, it would tend to suggest that we severely beat our children brutally. I am going to break this down in the original Hebrew to show that this does NOT mean brutal beatings. Keep in mind that if we leave bruises, that bruises CAN form clots that can get into the blood stream which can work their way to the lungs or heart, and CAN cause death. Cuts or lacerations CAN cause infections which can kill also. This alone shows that NO BODILY HARM or INJURY should be done.

Exodus 21:20 - "And if a man beats his servant or his maidservant with a rod (shevet), so that he dies under his hand, he shall surely be punished." This suggests that beaing with rods can be done in a way to cause death according to this scripture. Children die every year from corporal punishment.
I am now going to break this down in Hebrew to show you that it does NOT mean severe beating, and it can imply even non-physical correction. I will also show through other scriptures that the objective is NOT to just spank, but to use a method of discipline or correction that is the most effective for teaching and instructing the child.

The word "Correction" in verse 13 is originally "Musar" (Lexicon 4148) in Hebrew. It means to chastise, reproof, warn, or instruct". This word is also used in the following verses: Proverbs 1:8, 13:1, 13:24, 15:5, 22:15, and 23:13-14.

The word "beat" in verses 13-14 is "nakah" (Lexicon 5221) in Hebrew. It means to strike LIGHTLY or SEVERELY, LITERALLY or FIGURATIVELY.

The word "rod" in verses 13-14 is "shevet" (Lexicon 7626) which is a branch, a scion, a stick, a staff, or a rod of a shepherd. The rod of punishment was used was also used as a figurative description of when God sent calamities. This would imply that the rod can be used as a literal stick or a figurative meaning for an effective form of correction. (Please note that shepherds used rods to GUIDE their sheep, not beat them. A staff is symbolic for authority, therefore, it implies the parent to have godly and Christ-like authority over their children.)

Gathering this information on Proverbs 23:13-14, we see that the emphasis is on correcting a child in a way that is effective, and it gives room for physical or non-physical form of correction. This is NOT locked in to a severe form of physical punishment. We will look on a little further starting with more from the Old Testament.

Let's look at Proverbs 29:15 - "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

Reproof in Proverbs 29:15 is "Tokhechah" (Lexicon 8433) which means correction, refutation, proof, rebuke, or reproof.

To refute is an act of proving wrong.

Rebuke is a sharp disapproval or criticism of someone because of their behavior or actions.
Correction is to put right an error or fault.

Reproof is an expression of blame or disapproval.

REPROOF IS A MILDER FORM OF REBUKE. This would imply that there is a range of milder correction to severe as well. We see that it is NOT locked in to a severe form of correction.
Let's look at Proverbs 29:17 - "Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul."

In this verse "Correct" is "yasar" (Lexicon 3256) which means to chastise, reproof, discipline, chasten, instruct, warn, correct, punish, physical enforcement, or verbal reinforcement.

To CHASTISE means to rebuke or reprimand severely, to punish, especially by beating. To CHASTEN means of a reproof or misfortune - have a restraining or moderating effect on, to discipline or punish. CHASTEN is a MILDER form of CHASTISE. We will see verses suggesting CHASTENING our children, but we will NEVER see verses suggesting CHASTISING children, there is a huge difference. CHASTISING or severe beating is for CRIMINAL ADULTS.
Discipline means the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of conduct using punishment to correct disobedience.

Proverbs 29:17 would also allow for milder or severe correction in and of just the verse. We will look at other Old Testament and New Testament scriptures to put things in a better perspective.

Another scripture with this Hebrew word would be Deuteronomy 8:5 - "So you should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. This scripture shows that God deals with us as a father should deal with his children.

Notice "CHASTEN" and not "CHASTISE" in this verse. As we discussed, CHASTEN is milder than CHASTISE.

Proverbs 3:12 - " for whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights."
This verse "Correct" uses the Hebrew word "yakhach" (Lexicon 3198) which means to be right, to argue, to decide, justify, or convict. This would imply that the Lord convicts us of sin and through His word advises us to make right or repent of our sin issues, just as a father ought to convict his children of their sin and instruct his children to make right or repent of their sin issues.
Another thing to consider is Proverbs 17:10 - "Reproof is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool."

This is to show that even giving a fool a severe beating would prove to be ineffective. It is more effective to give a wise man instruction. As we look with some insight, no matter how much you beat a person without instruction, it doesn't do any good. Instruction is more effective than just beatings.
Another thing to consider is Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." This is also suggesting that we do not correct or teach a person with harshness. We should never, ever use harsh words on someone. Doing what is necessary to bring repentance is one thing, but harshness is another. Any form of harsh language, wrath, or anger is abuse.

Other words used for teaching and instructing are as follows in the Old Testament:
"Shanan" (Lexicon 8150) - to inculcate (instill by persistent instruction) or to teach diligently. Found in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 - "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

"Yada" (Lexicon 3045) - to know, observe, care, recognize, instruct, punish, acknowledge, acquaint, advise, answer, appoint, assure, perceive, understand, acquire knowledge, know, discern, be acquainted. This is found in Deuteronomy 4:9 - "Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and grandchildren; "

Going on to Deuteronomy 4:10 - "especially concerning the day you stood before the Lord your God in Horeb, when the Lord said to me 'Gather the people to Me, and I will let them hear My words, that they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on earth, and that they may teach their children." Learn and Teach in verse 10 comes from "Lamadh" (Lexicon 3925) which means to learn, to study, to be accustomed to, teach, instruct, train, to practice, to be taught, or to be trained.

Another version of teach in the Old Testament is "yara" - to teach or point out. This is found in Leviticus 10:11 - "...that you may teach the children of Israel all the statutes which the Lord has spoken to them by the hand of Moses."

What we have seen through the Old Testament so far is that the Bible puts much more emphasis on teaching than on beating our children. Not once do we see beating in a verse without having some word that represents teaching or instruction. This clearly shows that beating without teaching is abuse for sure. We have also concluded that causing bodily harm or injury is abuse just by looking at Proverbs 23:13-14 and Exodus 21:20 very closely within its own context. To get more insight, we will look closely at the New Testament.

Understand that the New Testament backs the Old Testament and the Old Testament backs the New Testament. This is why we must take the context of the New Testament and the Old Testament together in context.

We are going to look at the following scriptures in the New Testament. Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, 2 Tim 3:16-17, and Hebrews 12:5-11.

I want to first of all look at 2 Tim 3:16-17 - "All Scripture is given by the inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."

Doctrine comes from "didaskalia" (Lexicon 1319) which means instruction, doctrine, learning or teaching.

Reproof comes from "elegchos" (Lexicon 1650) which means proof, conviction, evidence, reproof, to change on the basis of which one is convicted and the manifestation of the truth on that charge.

Correction comes from "epanorothosis" (Lexicon 1882) which means to get right again (repentance), correct, to make right, correction or amendment to that which is wrong in a life.

Instruction comes from "paideia" (Lexicon 3809) which means to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or by deed. This word was also used for "training" in Ephesians 6:4 and for "chasten(ing)" in Hebrews 12:7,11.

Our teachings, correction, reproof, and instruction in righteousness all comes from scripture. We ought to use the scriptures to teach, correct, reprove, or instruct anyone whether child or adult.
Let's look at Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the TRAINING and ADMONITION of the Lord."

We have seen that training meant to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or deed.
We will also look at "Admonition" which in Greek is "nouthesia" (Lexicon 3559) which means CALLING ATTENTION, MILD REBUKE or WARNING."

Admonition is NOT a harsh rebuke or that would contradict "MILD" within that definition. Seeing this scripture alone would indicate that we ought to deal with our children in a MILD manner. When we compare this to Proverbs 23:13-14, this would also indicate that to "beat" would mean to give them a mild strike or prodding to get their attention, then warn them of their disobedience or defiance. To beat them severely would contradict this verse. ALL SCRIPTURE must FIT TOGETHER. This is why we CAN'T TAKE SCRIPTURE OUT OF CONTEXT. It is important to take the FULL CONTEXT of scripture to get its true meaning.

I want to look an another scripture similar to Ephesians 6:4, which is found in Colossians 3:21 - "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

The first part of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 would appear to say the same thing in English, but going back to the original Greek, they say two different things.

Ephesians 6:4 "provoke" is "parorgizo" (Lexicon 3949) in Greek, which means to anger along side or enrage. This would indicate to not take your anger out on your children or to make them angry by showing your anger towards them (anger along side). It is also meaning not to enrage your children and not enrage yourself along side them.

Colossians 3:21 "provoke" is "erethizo" (Lexicon 2042) which means to stimulate to anger or provoke. This would indicate that we should not do things to aggravate our children or arouse their anger. This happens by teasing them such as holding out candy and pulling it away when they reach for it, harsh words or harsh treatment (see Proverbs 15:1) which stirs up anger. Bullying our children also stirs up anger. There are other things that stirs their anger that we should not practice.
We also ought to look at Galatians 6:1 - "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you be tempted."
Seeing this, we ought to address people in a spirit of gentleness. NEVER SHOULD ANGER OR HARSHNESS BE EXERCISED AT ANY TIME. Firmness may be necessary at times to address an ISSUE, but NEVER to tear down a person.

Tearing down a person or shaming a person is SIN regardless whether they are a child or an adult.
We are now going to contrast how a father should deal with his children and how God deals with us, which should be very similar to each other. We will look at Hebrews 12:5b-11 to start.
Hebrews 12:5b-7 - "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?"

In these verses, we see 2 definitions for chasten. One word is "paidero" (Lexicon 3811) which means to train up a child, educate, or discipline.

The other definition is "paideia" (Lexicon 3809) which means to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or by deed.

"Scourges" in verse 6 comes from the Greek word "mastigoo" (Lexicon 3146) which means to flog literally or figuratively. This means that correction may not be pleasant at times.
We will read further from verse 8-11.

Hebrews 12:8-11 - "But if you are without chastening of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

"Corrected" in verse 9 comes from the Greek word "paideutes" which means to instruct, correct or chastise.

Looking at verse 10, our earthly fathers chastened us to what was best for them, not necessarily what was best for us, but yet we respected them. God chastens us for OUR profit, for what is BEST for US. God looks after OUR welfare, where most of our parents looked after THEIR welfare or what was CONVENIENT for THEM whether it was best for us or not. This is a form of abuse that most parents if not all parents are guilty of. God does the true job of a parent, which is to look for the welfare of His children and do what is best for His children, not what is best for the parent.
Observing this passage implies is that God teaches, instructs, and corrects us as a father should do to their children. God doesn't beat us then ridicule us. God doesn't beat us then leave us to figure it out. God is specific in His instruction through His word and through His Holy Spirit who dwells in us. We also never experience surprise beatings when we had no knowledge of wrong doing. God deals with us graciously and prudently. We will cover soon how God teaches us and corrects us.

First of all, I want to look at 2 Samuel 24. We see first of all in verse 10 that David KNEW he sinned. Verse 12-15, God allowed David to suffer consequences for his WILFUL DISOBEDIENCE. Then through His grace and mercy in verse 16, He RELENTED the consequences from CAUSING DESTRUCTION. God only gave David what was necessary to teach him and held back the rest. The motive was to TEACH and GUIDE away from DISOBEDIENCE.

God does NOT punish His children, nor does He take His wrath out on them.

2 Peter 2:9 - "then the Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptations and to reserve the UNJUST under punishment for the day of judgment."

In this verse, punish has the Greek word "krisis" - decision, justice, accusation, condemnation, damnation, and judgment.

Other accounts for punishment include the following:
Matt 25:46 - "kollourion" - penal infliction, punishment, torment.
2 Cor 10:6 - "ekdikeo" - to vindicate, retaliate, or punish.
2 Thess 1:9 - "dike" - right, justice, judgment, punish, vengeance.
Hebrews 10:29 - "kimoria" - vindication or penalty.

When we see punishment, it is for those who rejected Jesus, and those who removed themselves from His family by their rejection of Christ. We are considered sons, therefore God will not punish us. We ought not to punish our children either. There is a difference between chastening and punishing. I will cover that in another post.

God does NOT deal with us with wrath.

1 Thess 5:9-10 - "For God did NOT APPOINT us to WRATH, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him."
Wrath is "Ogre" in Greek (Lexicon 3709) - desire, violent passion, punishment: anger,indignation, vengeance, wrath.

There are many other scriptures with "wrath" (ogre) in it. This includes the following: 1 Thess 1:10, John 3:36, Romans 1:18, Romans 5:9, Ephesians 5:2, Colossians 3:6, Rev 6:16-17, Rev 11:18, Rev 16:19, Rev 19:17.

All of these clearly show that wrath is only for those who rejected Jesus. Wrath is NOT for God's children.

This indicates that God will not take His wrath out on us, and He will not deal with us in anger. The Bible is also clear that dealing with children with anger is a sin and it is abuse.
God also deals with us with grace and mercy.

1 Peter 2:24 - "...who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness -- by whose stripes you were healed."

We see that Jesus took on our sins and paid the punishment for us. He forgave us, and gave us a clean slate. When we choose to not forgive our children and leave their sins hanging on them, that is abuse. Not forgiving our children is abuse. We deal with the issue in a way that will teach them and encourage righteousness, then drop it and NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. Bringing up the issue after that is ABUSE. Our job is not to punish, because Jesus took our punishment. Our job is to do what is necessary to teach them and to correct wilful disobedience and sin, to encourage righteousness and obedience to God's word, and correct our children in a way that looks out for the best for them. That is how God deals with us.

God is love. His greatest demonstration of love is giving His only begotten Son to die for us on the cross (see John 3:16). When we read 1 Cor 13, we see that anything done without love is meaningless. We must deal with our children in love no matter what they have done. When love is absent, abuse is present. It may be hard at the moment when our child does wrong, but even then, we must deal with them with love, and deal with them in a way that is effective to teach them. We must NOT deal with them in ANGER.

James 1:19-20 - "Therefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; FOR THE WRATH OF MAN DOES NOT PRODUCE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD."

There is a lot of information here. When you witness a church or pastor saying that it is Biblical to abuse children, please feel free to share this information with them. I hope this can help put things in better perspective in how we deal with children.

My next post will contrast between punishment and correction. You may find that useful also.
God bless you, and my prayers are with you.

Rodney Calmes

Share Your Testimony, Tell People What Jesus Has Done For You

Share Your Testimony, Tell People What Jesus Has Done For You

Many of us have heard especially from our families "It is in the past, leave it in the past!" "Get over it!" "Don't ever bring that up again!" Most people who say things like that don't want to face the sins they committed against the person they sinned against. Most of them never gave the person they sinned against any form of closure for the sins they committed against them such as "I am sorry for what was done to you and how it has effected you!", which can leave those sins to remain an issue. When an apology is given and repentance is shown, that sin should no longer remain as an issue, but be forgiven. God forgives us when we repent, so we should also forgive others and not let it hang over them.

It boils down to there being 2 ways of bringing up our past. We bring up our past as an issue, or we bring up our past as a testimony of how God has worked in our lives and delivered us from the bonds of our past. If our past is an issue, God wants us to bring it to Him, and He will turn the issue into a testimony.

Once God has worked through our past, whether it would be abuse, bullying or sexual assault, He no longer wants us to bring it up as an issue, but He wants us to bring it up as a testimony of what Jesus has done to deliver us from that past. Without sharing that testimony, it is impossible to be a witness for Jesus. It is also impossible to have any form of ministry. It is impossible to be used by God without a testimony.

Let's look at Deuteronomy 4. See especially verse 9 where it says "Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, LEST YOU FORGET THE THINGS YOUR EYES HAVE SEEN, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. AND TEACH THEM TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN."

"The things your eyes have seen" is referring to the miracles of God. You are remembering the miracles of God by seeing what your past was like and seeing God's deliverance from it. The Israelites remembered the cruel slavery they experienced in Egypt, and they remembered how God delivered them by splitting the Red Sea. They were told NOT TO FORGET. They were told to SHARE their experience and SHARE what God has done for them. THEY WERE NOT TOLD TO HIDE IT. God may have delivered us from the bonds of abuse, bullying or sexual assault we may have experienced. Our families don't want us to share that. They want us to hide it because they don't want their sins exposed due to their unrepentance. If we listen to our families and hide our testimony, we are being disobedient to God. Our families trying to manipulate us to hide it, they are sinning against God and sinning against us by doing so. This shows that they are unrepentant of their part of the sins they committed against us. I have a good discerning pastor who would kick those unrepentant people out of the church and not welcome them back until they have proven repentance. It gets worse when they know that they are not welcome to that church, so they try to talk you into leaving that church and bash the pastor to everyone they know.

Don't let your families or those who sinned against you keep you from sharing your testimony. Your testimony is your witness for Jesus. Your testimony can lead many to Jesus. Your testimony can change people's lives. Your testimony can save lives. Your testimony gives people hope.

Don't be ashamed of your testimony. Don't be afraid to share your testimony. What God does to deliver you is powerful. What God has done for me was very powerful. God works miracles. Your testimony is a miracle. Your testimony is very powerful. Without your testimony, you can't be a witness for Jesus. Without your testimony, you can't have a ministry. Without your testimony, you can't give anyone hope. Without your testimony, you can't encourage anyone. Your testimony will bring much encouragement and healing to many people.

If you are struggling with sharing your testimony, I will pray for you. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You can do it.  

Rodney Calmes

Never Let Anyone Shut You Up

Never Let Anyone Shut You Up

Many times we face family,  organizations,  friends,  relatives and other people who try to keep us silent.  We share what happened and our families try to convince us that it never happened.   They try to convince us that we are delusional.   They get to know others in our churches and organizations we belong to and convince many of those people that we are liars.   We share about what happened and people tell us that they don't want to hear about it.   People isolated us and no one believes us.  We get accused of lying. 

When we face things like what was stated in the above paragraph,  we feel that we have come face to face with Satan himself.   We become discouraged.   Toxicity has spread to everyone around us and everyone believes their lies.  We end up being revictimized.   This type of abuse is worse than the abuse we originally faced.  Sometimes we feel we have to relocate.   They are so convincing that we start to doubt ourselves.  We feel alone and isolated.   We feel like we are in the Twilight Zone.  

I myself have faced these things.   If I didn't have a pastor who understood things like that,  I would have been kicked out of my church.   My pastor was always on my side.  He prayed for me and was very supportive of me.  I can thank God that I had someone like him.

Never let anyone get you to doubt what happened to you.   Never let anyone silence you.   You know what happened and never let anyone doubt that.   Keep speaking up and allow the world to see the ugliness of abuse. 

Your story will save lives.  Your story brings awareness and may save other people from being abused.   Your story can change the lives of many.   You are not alone.   Your story will also show others that they are not alone.  Don't be silenced.   Never let anyone silence you.   Those who try to silence you are doing a great evil.  They don't love you.   It is best to get around people who love you,  not those who try to destroy you.  You can make a difference by speaking up!

God sees what is going on.   All of their deeds will be exposed.   No one escapes God.  So SPEAK UP!

Rodney Calmes

There Are Things That Are A Part Of Us That May Not Have Been If We Were Never Abused. Accepting Ourselves And Coping With These Are Very Important

There Are Things That Are A Part Of Us That May Not Have Been If We Were Never Abused.  Accepting Ourselves And Coping With These Are Very Important

There are many things that people deal with as a result of abuse.   They may include one or more of the following:  PTSD, depression,  sadomasochism,  anxiety,  OCD, and many other things.   Some things can be changed over time.

   We may find ourselves dealing less with depression and anxiety as we are able to help others who have been through what we have and trusting in God to heal us.  We may also find that PTSD will not change.   We may see someone else being abused and in my case, I would have uncontrollable shaking and would be unable to speak especially if the abuse is the same type I have faced.   Sadomasochism or my desires to get spanked will never change which has been triggered by a severe spanking I took as a child.  

We may not have had some of these things in our lives if we have never been abused.   Some of these things we will have to accept that they will not change.   We have to learn to accept them as a part of us and not be ashamed of it.  Being ashamed of it will only cause us more harm and increase anxiety.  

God may have allowed these things to be a part of us because He has a purpose for that.   I can testify that had I not had spanking desires,  I would have been more judgmental of people.   I would have been legalistic.   I would not have trusted the Bible for my values,  but instead I would have trusted what people considered "normal".  I would have also judged people's differences rather than accept them.  Trust me, I have plead with God to take that away from me but He had better plans and as a result He made me a better person.

Had I not had PTSD, I would not have taken abuse seriously and would have blown it off like a lot of people do.   I would not have cared.  I would never have learn how to cope with it.  PTSD never disappears, but with time and trust in God,  we can learn to cope with it.   Flashbacks is a part of PTSD.   God has helped me by showing me how people's lives were blessed because of what I went through.  God showed me how to think about the lives saved from suicide because of what I went through when I encounter flashbacks.   God showed me how to cope with flashbacks so I can show others. 

Through all this,  God has taught me to accept myself and all parts of me.  God forgives the sin and He helps us to repent and change from our sins.   God has also taught me to accept every part of me that is not sinful.   God has also taught me to accept other people and their differences as well.  (If a person has sin issues, we ought to gently restore them with love and show them their sin.  If those differences are not sin issues, we as Christians ought to openly accept them.) 

I can now say that I am blessed by having gone through the things I have.   I can now say that I am blessed because of the things I deal with as a result of the abuse I went through.  All these things have taught me to accept myself and others with differences and all.  I am blessed because of that.    If you trust God,  you will also be blessed.   I will pray for every one of you. 

Rodney Calmes

Those Who Abuse People Sin Against God And That Person

Those Who Abuse People Sin Against God And That Person

There were many things done to children.   I was spanked with hardwood sticks on my bare butt as a child.   I also experienced getting my ear lobe twisted and pulled, I experienced face slapping,  and swatted in the head.  I also got hit on my hands with a hardwood stick.  I can recall only twice getting hit in the head.  I also can recall many slaps in the face.  Others have been dragged by their hair.   All of these were common punishments.  All of these were sins committed against God and sins committed against those who received these things. 

Many of these punishments were done by parents, grandparents,  teachers, principals, Catholic nuns, etc.  Many times people claim that they are biblical and did it in the name of Jesus.   Those who have done this has sinned in the name of Jesus.   They sinned against you,  they sinned against me, they sinned against others they did these things to and they sinned against God in the name of Jesus.  That is hideous and detestable to God.

No where in the Bible does it ever say to hit anyone in the head.  No where in the Bible does it say to slap anyone in the face.  No where in the Bible does it say to twist and pull anyone's ear.  No where in the Bible does it say to hit anyone in the hands.  No where in the Bible does it say to pull anyone's hair.  All these things can cause serious health problems and lifetime disabilities or even death.   That is hideous to God and that is hideous to those who received these things. 

The Bible does talk about spankings and in the Hebrew it is very clear that the only place to hit is the buttocks only. 

Proverbs 10:13b - but the rod is for the back of him who is void of understanding.

The Hebrew word is the mid section of a person's back.  When a person is standing,  it is the buttocks.   This is very clear.   Hitting anyone anywhere else is a sin.

Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares his rod hates his son; but he who loves him disciplines him promptly. 

The rod in Hebrew is a fresh shoot or twig.  Very flexible and has give.  This is very different than the rod in English.   The original Hebrew is the true meaning of scripture.  These twigs will sting but they will not damage tissues.   Hard objects will damage tissues. 

Using belts, whips, hard sticks,  paddles, and even open hands will damage tissues.   No where in the Bible does it say to use any of these things on children.   Anyone who causes tissue damage or bruising to a child has sinned against the child and sinned against God.   Those who claim that the Bible says to do it sins in the name of Jesus. 

The use of many strokes at one time on a child is also a sin.  See Luke 12:47-48

The use of fresh twigs or equivalent that does not damage tissues with only a few strokes on a child is not a sin.  That is considered discipline. 

Discipline should only be done if there is willful disobedience.   Not for every little thing.   When the child knows that they did wrong then they get disciplined.  Punishing a child for something that they did not know is a sin against the child and a sin against God and discourages a child. 

Discipline without instruction is a sin against the child and a sin against God.  That only discourages a child.   

Taking anger out on children is a hideous sin against the child and a hideous sin against God. 

Colossians 3:21 - Fathers do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged.

Many people have violated the scriptures and have done hideous things to children and committed hideous sins against the child and against God.   Many of them are hierarchy in the church including the Catholic nuns and priests who have done these hideous things in the name of Jesus.   Many parents followed suit and each one of them will be accountable to God for treating His children like that.

If you have experienced these things,  know that God saw that.  God sees every tear and God can heal you.   It is not your fault that others sinned against you and no matter who did these things to you whether a parent or a church leader, it does not represent God.   I will pray for you because hideous things done to us creates many emotional and mental scars.  Some of us have even physical scars or health issues as well.  God will deal with those who abused us.

Rodney Calmes

The Dangers Of Over Spanking

The Dangers Of Spanking

This condition is very common among BDSM, but it is not limited to the BDSM realm.  This also happens when children are over spanked with sticks and paddles especially if they are spanked daily and their butts don't have a chance to heal from their last spanking and this keeps going on for a period of time.  It is nicknamed "Leather Butt Syndrome".

What happens when a person gets "Leather Butt Syndrome", is that the sting from getting spanked greatly decreases even to the point where getting spanked with a stick will not produce a sting.   The bruising will not show except one the outer edges that have not been spanked as much.  There is a permanent tannish reddish color on the area of the butt that took a lot of spankings.  The skin becomes tough. The spankings become ineffective because of creating this condition.   For the parents who were trying to teach their children by over spanking them, it becomes very ineffective when this condition developes and they defeated their purpose. 

A person does not have to be spanked for years in order for "Leather Butt Syndrome" to develop.   This can happen in less than a year of continuous repeated over spanking.  The effects are irreversible.  Even if a person does not get spanked for 5 years after,  they will not get the sting that they once got from spanking.  In my experience,  I got hit on my butt with a hardwood stick and the stick shattered and I still got no sting from it.  This happened a while ago. 

Children who developed this condition usually were over spanked and had "bad cops" for caretakers.  When you combine "bad cops" with over spanking,  this is what happens.  Also there is much emotional problems that develop from that when children are over spanked. 

This condition is more common among adult consentual spankings or BDSM.

This is why it is important to read and study the Bible and research the original meaning by looking at the original Hebrew and Greek root words and following the Bible closely when it comes to correcting kids.  Many times spankings can do absolutely nothing for the child.

In the BDSM realm, it is a good idea to use the safe word when your butt gets numb.  If you keep getting spanked after your butt is numbed, you will accelerate this condition.   Also allow your butt to heal in between spankings. 

Rodney Calmes

Those Who Do Not Repent Will Be Condemned

Those Who Do Not Repent Will Be Condemned

Many of us have been abused by someone in our family.   Abusers do not want to admit to abusing us.  They don't want to accept the damage they have done to us.  They will in turn further abuse us by trying to convince us that the abuse never happened.  They will gather up other family members to side with them.   They isolate us and make us feel like we are crazy.  They are very convincing and try to convince us that our memories are inaccurate.   They get us to doubt ourselves.   This is very hideous in the sight of God. 

Many abusers claim to be Christians.   They think they are going to heaven.  Going to heaven involves accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and REPENTANCE.   Denying sin is not repentance.   Repentance involves accepting the sin and acceping the damage that the sin has caused.  It involves confessing that sin to God and the person they sinned against when possible.   Trying to justify sin, trying to blame us for their sin or trying to make it sound like it was not a big deal is NOT REPENTANCE. 

Every person will stand before God and the truth will be revealed.   No one can fool God.  Those who have not repented will stand condemned.

Luke 13:5 - unless you repent you will all likewise perish.

1 John 1:8-9 - If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  9 If we confess our sins,  He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness.

Those who confess their sins to God and those they sinned against and turn from them and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior will be forgiven of all sin and will be in Heaven.

Rodney Calmes

How You Were Treated Has No Reflection Of Who You Are.

How You Were Treated Has No Reflection Of Who You Are. 

You may have been beaten and the abuser blames you.   You may have been called names and the abuser says it is your fault.   The abuser takes his/her anger out on you and the abuser says that you caused it.  The abuser belittles you in front of people and says that it is you.

None of those things has any reflection of you.  It has nothing to do with who you are.   What they did to you has everything to do with who they are.  It is those who treated you like that who are low.  They reveal who they are by how they treat you.   God sees it all and nothing escapes Him. 

What they did to you,  they also did to God.  See Matt. 25:31-46. 

Here are things that have a reflection of who you are:

1.  The love and kindness you show people.

2.  How you care for people.

3.  How compassionate you are towards others.

4.  How you treat people. 

5.  Are you there for people when they need you?

These are all things that have a reflection of who you are.   When you love people,  treat them with kindness and compassion,  when you are there when someone needs you,  it proves you to be a great person.  What you do to others,  you do to God.

I love all of you and I will pray for you.  

Rodney Calmes

You Don't Have To Be "Normal"

You Don't Have To Be "Normal"

Have you ever tried to be normal?   Do you have differences that doesn't seem normal?   Do you find yourself trying to change because you are not like other people? 

I have struggled with that for years.   I have a lot of things about me that is different.   Some of those things came from my childhood environment,  many of those things are just the way God created me.   Some were choices I have made good or bad. 

I was told that I had something wrong with me.   I was bullied throughout my childhood.  I knew that I was not like everyone else.  I tried to be like everyone else because I was ashamed of who I was.  I could not be myself when I tried to be "normal".  For years I tried to be someone I was not.   I made being "normal" my priority and that lead me in the wrong direction. 

Romans 12:2  "be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove that what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

By this,  I have learned that it is ok to be different and it is ok to not be normal.  I can be myself,  the person God created me to be.

You don't have to try to be normal.   You don't have to try to be like everyone else.   Be yourself,  be the person God created you to be.   It is ok to be different.  Change things that are sinful.   Change things that hurt other people.   If what you are doing is not sinful or hurtful to others,  embrace in it.  

The main thing is to love God and to love people and treat them with kindness,  compassion and grace.  Treating people with love,  kindness,  compassion and grace is by far more important than being normal.   How you treat other people shows who you are. 

I am not normal and I like it that way.   Be the person God created you to be no matter how different it is.   Love and kindness is far greater than normal.

Rodney Calmes

You Are Not "Damaged Goods"

You Are Not "Damaged Goods"

Many times our society looks at us as survivors of abuse,  bullying, rape or molestation as "damaged goods".  I am going to tell you reasons why we as survivors are not "damaged goods".

The abuse we faced May have had bad effects on us.  We may have suffered depression, anxiety,  PTSD, and other complications.  We may have suffered deep wounds that we may not see any chance of healing.  I myself can testify that there is hope.  I have survived,  I may not be perfect,  but I can testify that I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through that myself. 

Most of us have survived abuse and have decided to break the cycle.  That in itself says a lot about you.   Our compassion for others who face pain has grown,  we would not have had that compassion otherwise.  There are going to be people's lives changed because we had the compassion on them and cared to be there for them when they were in pain, that act of kindness may save their lives.  I can testify that it happened to me.  One act of kindness means a lot to someone,  especially those who have been hurt.  We have become better people.  You are a better person.

You are not "damaged goods".  You have survived,  and grown as a person. When you trust God,  He will heal you,  and will cause you to accomplish the greatest things because of what you have survived.  You will find out that you would never have been able to accomplish those things had you not survived it yourself.  What Satan tries to damage, God makes whole. 

Don't give up.  Don't look at yourself as "damaged goods" but look at yourself as a survivor and know that you will thrive through Christ who has died for us and has risen and renews us. 

Rodney Calmes

Love Is The Greatest Thing Of All

Love Is The Greatest Thing Of All

Many of us have been treated poorly, we were told that we were stupid,  we were told that we were worthless,  we have been belittled,  and we had people be mean to us.  Those people made us believe that we were stupid and worthless.   They made us believe that it was our fault.   Later on,  they deny ever treating us like that and they further abuse us.

We may have felt that those who abused us were smarter than us, or they had a better appearance than us.  They appear to be greater than we are.   I have something to tell you about that.

Those people who abused us lack love.  When you chose not to treat others the way you were treated,  it took love to make that change.  When you had compassion on other people who went through what you did,  that took love.  God has given each of you a measure of wisdom that He saw fit and what is sufficient for you.  God has loved you even when those who abused you didn't.  God loved you enough to die on a cross for you.   God created you in His image.  You are precious.   God has created you with the ability to love.

When you have shown love by not treating others the way you were treated, or had compassion on those who have been treated like you have,  it shows that you have the greatest thing a person can have and that is love.   Love accomplishes greater things than rocket science.   Love gives you more beauty than appearance.  Love conquers evil.  Your love and compassion shows what kind of person you are.   People like you who have love and compassion toward others shows you to be greater than the ones who mistreated you because you have something that they don't,  you have love.  

God will use people like you to accomplish great things and those things get accomplished through love, kindness and compassion.  

Your love and kindness toward others is what makes you beautiful people.   Never forget that.

see 1 Corinthians 13

I am praying for every one of you.

Rodney Calmes

How To Hide Your Internet Accounts With Using Your Legal Name

How To Hide Your Internet Accounts With Using Your Legal Name

In a lot of cases when you have stalkers, you will have to close down all your old accounts and open new ones.

It is illegal to open any kind of internet accounts using a false name.  Legally that is considered falsifying information.  You must register all accounts using your real name.  You can use nick names as user names.  This can cause problems for those who are being stalked by abusers.

The ways out:  Most of you have a middle name and there is nothing illegal about using initials or abbreviating names.  For example, let's assume your name was Thomas George Torino, you can use T George Tor as an abbreviation to your name to start an account.  Another way to hide from google searches,  you can use Th0m@s G€0rg€ T0r1n0.  It still represents your name,  but using characters that look close to letters in your name can help hide yourself from stalkers.

After opening your accounts,  do what you can to block your stalkers.

There is nothing 100% fool proof, but using techniques like this can greatly help.

If any of you are dealing with stalkers, I will pray for you.

Good luck with this!

Rodney Calmes

You Are Not Your Mistakes

You Are Not Your Mistakes

Mistakes are something all of us have made.  Some of the mistakes we have made are sins, some of them are not.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.   No one is perfect and we can never be expected to be perfect.

Many times abusers will expect us to be perfect.  When we make a mistake,  they are like bad cops and they will abuse us for it.   They belittle us for making a mistake,  they may beat us for it and they have a way to make us feel inadequate and worthless for it.

We find ourselves walking on egg shells and being afraid to make a mistake.  When we make a mistake, we tremble in fear.  Based on how we were treated, we condition ourselves to think we are worthless and inadequate because of our mistakes.   We look at every mistake we make and we end up belittling ourselves for it.   We have a hard time forgiving ourselves because our abusers never forgave us and continued to harp on us for our mistakes.  We convince ourselves that the abuse was right for us.

We forget that Jesus has died on a cross for our sins and mistakes and He sees us as spotless and without blemish.   He has forgiven our mistakes.   We are seen as perfect in the eyes of God because of what Jesus has done for us.  I am not my mistakes.   You are not your mistakes.

Our mistakes is not something to get down on ourselves for.  Our mistakes do not make us worthless or inadequate.  Our mistakes do not define us as to who we are.  Our mistakes serve as a tool for us to learn and they become stepping stones as we continually grow as people.  We have to continually train ourselves to think this way. We need to take our mistakes as lessons learned and turn from them and LEAVE OUR MISTAKES BEHIND,  THEY ARE NOT A PART OF US.   If you have to repeatedly tell yourself this, do it.  Forgive yourself because God has already forgiven you.

We need to get out of the train of thought that our mistakes make us worthless and inadequate.  We need to get out of the train of thought that abuse is right for us because of a mistake we make.   We need to train ourselves to see our mistakes as lessons learned and stepping stones as we grow.  

Most important of all, FORGIVE YOURSELF AND LEAVE YOUR MISTAKES BEHIND. 

Rodney Calmes

Scars From Abuse Appear To Be Very Ugly, But In The End They Become A Beautiful Thing

Scars From Abuse Appear To Be Very Ugly,  But In The End They Become A Beautiful Thing

Many of us carry physical scars and emotional scars from abuse.  Those scars can be from the abuse itself,  some physical scars can come from self harm or other things that we get involved with which may have been a complication of abuse. 

We may see our scars and it reminds us of the horrible abuse we went through.  Every day we see them in the mirror and many tears have been shed.  We look at them and say that they are horrible.  We ask God to help us.  We carry deep pain. 
I will tell you that someday, those scars will remind you of the great things you have done in the lives of others if you trust God that He would work out those things for good.  God will cause you to do great things.  You will look at those scars and those scars will show you the compassion you have had on other people because of the abuse you went through.  Those scars will show you how many people you have helped.   Without those scars,  you would not have been able to help those people.  Those scars will remind you of the great things you have done and you will say "they are beautiful".

I can tell you for myself that I have accumulated physical scars from abuse and the complications of abuse.  I used to look at them and it created horrible memories for me.  I can now look at them in a mirror and they remind me of the 4 lives that were saved from suicide.  My scars remind me of the people I have helped.   They remind me of those who were helped that I don't know about,  now I can say that they are beautiful.  

Never give up hope.  Never think that you are ugly because of those scars.  You are beautiful people,  scars and all.

Rodney Calmes

Look How Far You Have Come

Look How Far You Have Come

Many of you have been told that you are worthless and that you will never amount to anything,  or you may have been treated that way. You may feel that you will never accomplish anything,  I am now going to show you that these things are all lies. 

I am going to tell you what you have accomplished.   You may have been brought up with bad parents who taught you abuse or you may have been neglected.  You may have been abused by a spouse.  You survived that!  That itself is a major accomplishment.   You have acknowledged what happened to you,  that is a major accomplishment.  You would not be on this page or in this group if you were still in denial. 

Most of you know that the abuse that happened to you is wrong,  that is a major accomplishment.  You are making a choice not to abuse other people.  You are making steps to become a better parent for your children,  from where you came from,  that itself is a great accomplishment. 

You people are making great steps forward.  Think about the compassion you have for people because you don't want someone else to get hurt like you have,  that compassion has grown you as a person.  You have developed a love and kindness toward people.  Anytime you show love and kindness toward someone,  you changed a life, think of that as an accomplishment.

You don't know how many lives will be changed or even saved because of people like you.  Keep this in mind. 

When you see the scars on your body from abuse,  remind yourself what you have accomplished and when you see lives changed, remind yourself that those scars changed people's lives.  Remind yourself that lives can be saved because of your scars.  Don't be ashamed of them, it is a symbol of the great accomplishments you have made and the accomplishments you will make in the future. 

You are more important than you think.  You are more significant than you think and you have accomplished much more than you think.

Rodney Calmes