Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Reasons That We Self Harm And Various Forms Of It

Self harm often serves as a coping mechanism for abuse.  Why do we harm ourselves when others harm us?  It doesn't make sense to most people.  I will share based on my experience why we do it.

Abuse leaves deep pain and deep scars that can be unbearable.   This pain and scars are not always physical, but often go unseen.  We carry them inside,  not on the outside like the physical scars.  Here is how we attempt to cope with it.

Based on my experience,  it seems to feel better if we somehow deserved the abuse than it is if we have to accept that it wasn't right for people to abuse us.  We feel that we have to find a way to justify something that is a gross injustice.   This is how we do it.

I cannot find a reason to justify abusing any human or animal, so I have to find a reason that I deserved the abuse and people and animals don't.  What I often did is convince myself that I was worse than Adolf Hitler.  I also would equate myself to the devil himself.  This way I could justify the abuse that happened to me. 

I also had to convince myself that I was not worth being loved.  I looked at the reasons why my grandparents would beat me, mainly because they thought I was retarded.  This was even stated by them.  I would convince myself that it was true and that my history proves it.  I would use the reasoning that I attended Cybil Hopp School in DePere, Wisconsin when I was 5 to confirm that.  I would also use the fact that I was in Special Ed until 7th grade also to justify their reasoning to beat me, and convince myself that I would deserve it.

I would also look for other flaws about myself and find reasons that I deserved to be punished for it.  I would tell myself the following things:

1.  I am not worth being loved.

2.  I am not worth being considered a human being or even an animal. 

3.  I am only as good as the devil himself.

4.  I am a nuisance to everyone.

5.  I deserve what happened to me. 

After I tell myself that I deserve what happened to me,  then I would carry it out on myself to deserve it, or do even worse,  which includes cutting, burning,  abrasions, then applying salt or baking soda, then calling myself names.  I  also told myself that this world would be better off without me, then go further to harm myself.

What happens later?

In 1995, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  Then I would hear how much Jesus loves me, then would cry.  I would have no control of it.  I would ask myself the following:

1.  Why would Jesus love someone like me?

2.  Why would Jesus die for me? 

3.  How could God love me?  How is it even possible?

4.  Why would God choose me to be a part of His kingdom?   I'm not worth it. 

5.  What does God see in me that He paid such a huge price for me?  Why wouldn't he pick someone else who is better than me?

I would run away from kindness because someone being kind to me didn't seem right.  I wondered what was wrong with me. I also wondered what people thought of me in church when I would cry when I heard that Jesus loved me.

John 15:18-25 showed me that if the world hated me, they hated Jesus also, and I was set apart from this world to be a part of God's kingdom.

Luke 14:11 - "And whoever exalts himself will be abased, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."  Those who abused me were exalting themselves and will be humbled, but God will exalt me.

John 3:16 showed me that God considered me worth dying for, and He loved me enough to give His life for me.  If I didn't consider myself worth it,  God considered me worth it and paid that penalty for me.

Mark 12:10, Ephesians 2:20 - "The stone the builders rejected became the chief cornerstone.  That cornerstone was Jesus Christ."  I was rejected by the world,  but Jesus was rejected more so, and He was the chief cornerstone. It showed me that what the world rejected,  God considered important.  God showed that through Jesus, and through Jesus He considered me important. 

1 Cor. 1:27-28 has shown me that God took the things that are foolish and despised in this world to put to shame those who were wise in their own eyes and those who exalted themselves. 

Gen 1:27, 31 has shown me that God created me, and what God created was good and that I was created in His image.  Those who mistreated me has rejected what God has created. They ultimately reject God.

Psalm 139:14 has shown me that God has created me very carefully and He has wonderfully made me.  It also shows me that God created me as He chose, and what He created was sufficient for His purpose. 

1 Cor 12 has shown me that God has created me unique and gave me the gifts I needed to function as the part of the body of Christ I needed to function as with my own unique purpose, just as any body part has its own unique purpose.

What I have learned is that when people hated me, and I even hated myself, God still loved me enough to die for me, and carefully make me to the person He created me to be, and He cared enough to make me in His image and considered me precious in His sight.

I also want you to know that if you struggle like I have, God loves you also.  All of this applies to you also.  God considered you worth dying for, and you are all very precious to Him.  You were all created in His image and He has considered you all special to Him. 

God loves you even when you hate yourself.  God loves you when others hated you.  Nothing will change that.  You are all beautiful in His sight.  Through faith in Jesus,  He has made you a new creation.  You are all important.  You don't deserve abuse, and what people did to you, they did to God also.  You are all loved.  If you struggle like I have,  I will pray for you.  Feel free to message me if you need anything.

Rodney Calmes