What is the second abuse?
1. The second abuse is when someone doesn't believe you went through what you did.
2. You are accused of lying.
3. People try to brush you off or not give you room to talk about it.
4. "Get over it!"
5. Making little of what happened to you such as "It wasn't that bad!"
6. Denying the abuse or its effects on you.
7. Gaslighting such as trying to convince you that your memories of the abuse is delusional.
8. Using others to gang up on you to try to convince you that it never happened.
The above are forms of the second abuse. Those who do these things are guilty of doing worse to you than what the original abuse was.
Second abusers are worse than the first. Why is this so?
1. We are trying to overcome the shame we felt inside that the abuse brought on us, and seeking validation that we don't need to bear that shame, but the second abuse heaps more shame on us.
2. We are coming up with the courage to speak about it and deal with it. Speaking about it is necessary for healing so that we can move forward and deal with it. The second abuse tries to silence us so that it makes it impossible for us to deal with it or heal.
3. We are seeking help to overcome it and seeking guidance and direction, but the second abuse disables prevents us from being able to speak in order to be able to seek this help.
4. We are trying to get people to understand us and what we deal with such as PTSD for example, so that they can understand why we struggle the way we do, but the second abuse keeps us from having others understand us. Thus, we carry the feeling that people will think there is something wrong with us.
5. We speak about what we remember, but the second abuse tends to make us doubt our own minds, and even worse, destroys our abilities to do simple things such as adding or subtracting, because we doubt if we can do it accurately.
6. The second abuse pushes us into further shame rather than helping us overcome it.
7. The second abuse puts guilt on us, especially when we are accused of lying.
8. Our reputation becomes tarnished when they go out and convince others that it never happened and those same people have an excellent reputation with outsiders.
9. The second abuse causes us to lose hope when no one believes us. We lose all hope of being understood, helped, or ministered to. We have to come to the realization that everyone will think we are nuts or that there is something wrong with us. We lose the ability to be ourselves and must walk around with a mask.
10. The second abuse causes us to lose all hope for healing and becoming the person God meant us to be.
Common sources of second abusers:
1. Families are the most common.
2. People our families or other abusers know.
3. The church leaders.
4. Church members.
5. Friends and acquaintences.
6. Teachers and school staff.
7. Legal systems such as the courts and officers.
Don't be a second abuser, being a second abuser is causing more harm to a person than what the original abuse they went through. Being a second abuser will make you worse than the ones who originally abused the person you come in contact with.
When someone talks about what happened, listen to them. Pray for them. "Judge not that you not be judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measures you use, it will be measured back to you." Matt 7:1-2.
Be gentle with the person, lead them into the scriptures in a way that would build them up. Show them the best example of God's love that you can. Try to understand them, and if you don't understand their struggles, don't pretend that you do. Let them know that you never dealt with their struggle, but share things you struggled with or currently struggle with and pray for each other.
If you can't help them, try to find someone who can. Don't brush them off.
Many of us as survivors have faced the second abuse. I have with my family and some who my family knew.
If you struggled with the second abuse, I will pray for you.
Rodney Calmes
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Support For Those Who Have Been Abused Or Bullied