Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

Why Old School Model Doesn't Work And Is Unbiblical In Regards To Bringing Up Children

In my past posts, I have covered a lot about spanking. I will not have a lot of coverage on that in this post. I will cover more of the faults of the general Old School Model.

What is Old School?

It is an adversarial and punitive model in which the parents impose their will or try to control their children without allowing their children to be heard. It is also often done based on the parents erroneous perception of what is going on based on their lack of information and forcing their children to conform to that.

Why is this wrong?

1. We may understand the sinful nature of the flesh, but we often focus on that rather than focusing on the Holy Spirit and the good that the person can do in the Spirit. Therefore, we are focusing on the negative rather than encouraging the positive or encouraging the work of the Spirit.

2. Children are not heard. James 1:19-20 - "Therefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." We are being commanded to hear our children. Hearing them can help us make more informed solutions to solve the problems. 

3. Our will is imposed on them through adversarial and punitive means. Hebrews 12:10 - "For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness." Our parents chastened us and punished us to impose their will based on their own interests rather than what is best for us. God works for what is best for us. This is what our parenting system is guilty of.

4. Proverbs 22:6 - "Train up a child in a way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Old School doesn't train. It doesn't teach a child ways to solve problems, but it only focuses on outward behaviors and punishing them rather than figuring out the root problems and teaching them solutions and ways of dealing with them. Punishing a kid without teaching them solutions is very discouraging to them, and leads to more problems.

5. Old School hinders communication. When children are not heard and parents impose their will on their children, it creates conflict and causes rebellion rather than teamwork and good communication and problem solving skills.

6. Old School does not promote kindness, compassion or empathy, but it promotes using violence to gain power and control and fear, which is not love. 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

I have watched "Day 1, Ross Greene", which he doesn't quote scripture, but found a method that works and has decreased juvenile detention greatly in the state of Maine. His method has scriptural support. Every person needs to be handled in a godly way whether they are children or adults.

See www.echoparenting.org

See also www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSDAqRnk-qY

Rodney Calmes

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

What If The Church Doesn't Support You Leaving An Abusive Situation?

Too many people who are being abused don't leave because the church tells them they have to stay. Often when the survivors leave, the church shames, ridicules, or condemns them. Why does this happen?

Matt 19:9 - "And I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immortality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Malachi 2:16 - "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence."

Churches will use Matt 19:9 and verses like it and ask "Did your spouse commit adultery or have an affair?" "No!" "Then you must stay with him or her!" They will also use Malachi to say "God hates divorce!" They may go as far as saying that you cannot separate and that you must live with them. They will tell you that if you leave, then you are in sin, or may even put you out of the church. What about 1 Cor. 7?

1 Cor. 7 is often referenced and they may have talked to your spouse who tells them that they want to stay. Then they will come back to you and tell you that your abuser wants to stay and then tell you that you can't leave because of that. Did they really look at that situation in depth, or did they just scratch the surface and base their advice on that?

Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

The church may use Ephesians 5:22 and tell you that if your husband is beating you, then you must submit more. Is there something left out? What about Ephesians 5:23-27? Especially verse 25 - "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it," is beating your wife loving her as Christ loves the church?

How can we defend ourselves with the church when it opposes us? Let's look at things deeper and ask ourselves and the church the following:

1. Why does the spouse want to stay? Do they want to stay because they are willing to fill their part in the marriage, or do they want to stay because they will have someone to control and fill their selfish ambitions, or create an image for themselves?

2. After hearing what they say, look at what they show. Are they showing their spouse that they are willing to pour their commitment to the marriage, or are they only thinking of themselves and expecting their spouse to fulfill their selfishness?

3. Do they treat their spouse in a loving way and a way that is safe and good for their spouse, or do they continuously hurt them and force their spouse to leave for their own safety?

As we look at these, don't look at what they say, but look at what they show by their actions. Do they show by their actions that they want to stay?

Look at temporary "so called" repentance. Has that been proven to be a continuous cycle? (remorse, honeymoon stage, things escalate, abuse, remorse, honeymoon, escalate, abuse, ...)? This happens a lot. A cycle like this is false repentance. This cycle also proves that they are not willing to fulfill their marriage. Abuse continues. Does a person who is not willing to fulfill their marriage duties want to stay? Think about it.

If the spouse wants to leave, let them leave. Unwillingness to fulfill their marriage duties and roles and abuse is showing that they want to leave, let them leave. You are not bound under such circumstances. Find a safe place to live, and move on. You are released from your bond of marriage by your spouse SHOWING that they want to leave. It is not based on what they tell the church, but what they show you.

Many of you may be battling with your churches as far as leaving your abusive spouse. I hope that bringing this out can give you ammunition to defend yourself with the church, and I hope that the church can be more supportive of you.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Rodney Calmes

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

The Sexual Effects Of Spanking Children And How It Can Alter Sexual Development From Before Adolescence On

Many people will not accept or believe that spanking a child will do anything sexual to him or her. Medical evidence has proven that spanking can cause arousal in children even as early as toddler ages. This is how it works.

1. The nerves in the lower buttocks is connected to the genital regions. When pain is inflicted, it can travel through those nerves and cause sensations to be aroused in the genitals, thus causing involuntary and pre-mature arousal. The effects can be just as bad as a child being molested.
Tom Johnson quotes "The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to their sexual nerve centers. Hence the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals."

Tom Johnson also continues on with "The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation."


2. There are blood vessels that connect to the genital regions, and hitting the buttocks can force blood into those regions, which in turn will enhance arousal. Natural arousal will occur when blood flow is increased the the genitals whether the blood is forced there by hitting the buttocks or whether the blood flow is increased by a natural means.

Jillian Keenan states "Butts aren't just culturally sexualized; they are biologically sexual, too. Nerve tracts pass that through the lower spine carry sensory information to and from both the butt and the genitals. Some scientists speculate that these nerves can stimulate one region when the other is provoked. There's also a blood vessel in the pelvic region called the 'common iliac artery'. When blood rushes to a child's butt -- because, say, you're spanking him -- blood rushes down that artery. But the artery splits. Some of it directs blood to the genitals. So when you cause blood to rush to a child's butt, you're also causing it to rush to his or her other sex organs. The other time this kind of genital blood engorgement happens is during erection or arousal."

"Oxytocin, a hormone that is released during arousal, can increase pain tolerance by as much as 75 percent." - Jillian Keenan


3. This passage by Jillian Keenan also touches on the hormones that are released that can enhance arousal as well as adrenaline and endorphins that get released also during a spanking as well as sexual arousal.

With all of this being said, we have shown that spanking a child can cause involuntary arousal whether it is the intention of the parent or care taker or not. We are now going to take this further and talk about how it changes a child's sexual development starting just before adolescence.

This information from the above things stated often gets stored in the child's brain. Arousal by natural means should not awaken until sexual development occurs. Spankings can awaken arousal pre-maturely. When arousal is triggered by a spanking, the child may not realize it at the time. The brain can link the spanking to the sensations of arousal, which then can wire itself to connect spanking to arousal, and in some cases require spanking. When this link gets formed and when the brain connects spanking with arousal, the following changes can occur in the child's sexual development.

1. Desire for spanking or fascination with spankings which can begin prior to adolescence. (This is either difficult or impossible to reverse.)

2. A person may not desire spanking, but forming that link can cause a lack of sexual desire all together. (This is impossible or difficult at best to reverse.)

3. Sexual activity can trigger memories of childhood spankings.

4. Feelings of being sexually violated from childhood spankings.

5. Feelings of deep shame during marital sexual activity.

6. Feelings of fear or intimidation of sex or marriage.

7. Humiliation and feelings of being degraded when thoughts of sex occur.

These side effects and others not mentioned can remain with the person for life, and some of these often cannot be reversed.

When a spanking causes involuntary arousal in a child, it is one and the same as molesting a child. The effects it can have can be the same as the effects child molestation can have on a child.

I may face opposition for posting this, but felt it necessary to do so, so that parents who spank and those who believe in spanking can be aware of the effects it can have on their children.

Hopefully this information may encourage parents to find alternatives to spanking.
See the following links for more information.

nospank.net/sexdngrs.htm

http://www.slate.com/…/spanking_is_a_sex_act_which_is_why_i…

My personal experience is that I started to desire spankings at age 8. I often misbehaved to get spanked, but when alternatives were done to me from that age forward, I gave up on misbehaving. I tried to change this part of me for over 20 years and found it to be impossible. I had to come to a point of accepting this as a part of me.

I will also pray for you if you have struggles in this area.

Rodney Calmes

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

The Second Abuse Can Be Worse Than The Original Abuse

What is the second abuse?

1. The second abuse is when someone doesn't believe you went through what you did.
2. You are accused of lying.
3. People try to brush you off or not give you room to talk about it.
4. "Get over it!"
5. Making little of what happened to you such as "It wasn't that bad!"
6. Denying the abuse or its effects on you.
7. Gaslighting such as trying to convince you that your memories of the abuse is delusional.
8. Using others to gang up on you to try to convince you that it never happened.

The above are forms of the second abuse. Those who do these things are guilty of doing worse to you than what the original abuse was.

Second abusers are worse than the first. Why is this so?

1. We are trying to overcome the shame we felt inside that the abuse brought on us, and seeking validation that we don't need to bear that shame, but the second abuse heaps more shame on us.

2. We are coming up with the courage to speak about it and deal with it. Speaking about it is necessary for healing so that we can move forward and deal with it. The second abuse tries to silence us so that it makes it impossible for us to deal with it or heal.

3. We are seeking help to overcome it and seeking guidance and direction, but the second abuse disables prevents us from being able to speak in order to be able to seek this help.

4. We are trying to get people to understand us and what we deal with such as PTSD for example, so that they can understand why we struggle the way we do, but the second abuse keeps us from having others understand us. Thus, we carry the feeling that people will think there is something wrong with us.

5. We speak about what we remember, but the second abuse tends to make us doubt our own minds, and even worse, destroys our abilities to do simple things such as adding or subtracting, because we doubt if we can do it accurately.

6. The second abuse pushes us into further shame rather than helping us overcome it.

7. The second abuse puts guilt on us, especially when we are accused of lying.

8. Our reputation becomes tarnished when they go out and convince others that it never happened and those same people have an excellent reputation with outsiders.

9. The second abuse causes us to lose hope when no one believes us. We lose all hope of being understood, helped, or ministered to. We have to come to the realization that everyone will think we are nuts or that there is something wrong with us. We lose the ability to be ourselves and must walk around with a mask.

10. The second abuse causes us to lose all hope for healing and becoming the person God meant us to be.

Common sources of second abusers:
1. Families are the most common.
2. People our families or other abusers know.
3. The church leaders.
4. Church members.
5. Friends and acquaintences.
6. Teachers and school staff.
7. Legal systems such as the courts and officers.

Don't be a second abuser, being a second abuser is causing more harm to a person than what the original abuse they went through. Being a second abuser will make you worse than the ones who originally abused the person you come in contact with.

When someone talks about what happened, listen to them. Pray for them. "Judge not that you not be judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measures you use, it will be measured back to you." Matt 7:1-2.

Be gentle with the person, lead them into the scriptures in a way that would build them up. Show them the best example of God's love that you can. Try to understand them, and if you don't understand their struggles, don't pretend that you do. Let them know that you never dealt with their struggle, but share things you struggled with or currently struggle with and pray for each other.
If you can't help them, try to find someone who can. Don't brush them off.

Many of us as survivors have faced the second abuse. I have with my family and some who my family knew.

If you struggled with the second abuse, I will pray for you.

Rodney Calmes

No More Silence

No More Silence

Abusers may appear to be very nice people on the outside. They may have friends, some may achieve leadership positions in the church. Many times abusers obtain very significant positions in society. They may be very well liked by people and many people will know them as very nice people, BUT WE NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

It is usually us as survivors who are not believed. We as survivors have not been heard. Our abusers have so many convinced of their lies that many people believe that we are the liars. Many people believe "how can a nice person like that be an abuser?", this forced us into silence, thus making the abuse a family secret.

Many of us survivors have been subjected to further abuse because of that. No one believes us so we are subjected to further rejection. Those who were not abused do not understand this because they have not experienced this. We face rejection from the church and are often disfellowshipped or kicked out. Some of us may have lost jobs, been sued, etc. We as survivors are the ones who gets rejected by our society because of their lies. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON TOO LONG.

No more shall we be silenced, no more shall we face further abuse and rejection because of their lies. It is our turn to speak. No more shall we have a bad reputation because of their lies. Now it is time to put this message to public awareness. It is time to make the public aware of their schemes.

When a survivor gets kicked out of the church, that is a sin against God. When a survivor gets accused of ruining an abuser's reputation and gets sued, that is a sin against God. When a survivor gets fired, that is a sin against God. God sees this. God sees our pain and struggles. Now it is time to bring this to the attention to the public. Now it is time that the abusers get the reputation they deserve.

I will pray for all of you!

Rodney Calmes

Correction Vs. Punishment (Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture) part 2

Correction Vs. Punishment (Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture) part 2

On my last post "Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture", we have seen that throughout the scriptures that God does NOT punish His children, but He Corrects His children. If a parent should be a model of God, parents should not punish their children either, but correction is a necessary part ...of bringing up children.
In this post, I am going to share some of the differences between punishment and correction.

Punishment exercises vengeance for a wrong doing.
Correction exercises prudent instruction.

Punishment is severe and abusive.
Correction does what is necessary to teach and instill instruction.

Punishment tears a person down.
Correction addresses an issue and builds up the person.

Punishment promotes negativity.
Correction gives positive instruction.

Punishment discourages a person.
Correction encourages a person to turn from evil and to do good.

Both punishment and correction can be unpleasant, but punishment tortures a person and causes harm, where correction does not torture and is for the good of the person.

Punishment is harmful.
Correction causes no harm.

Punishment is done in anger and wrath.
Correction is done with love.

Punishment is often violent.
Correction is prudent and absent of violence.

Punishment: "You did this wrong, so I am going to do that to you."
Correction: "I am doing this because it will benefit you so that you can learn from this."

Punishment produces destructive criticism.
Correction produces constructive criticism.

Punishment has no regard to a child's mental, emotional or physical health or well being and often harms those things.
Correction takes a high regard to a child's mental, emotional, and physical health and well being and makes sure that those things are not harmed.

Too many parents use punishment instead of correction. No where in the scriptures does the Bible promote punishment, but there are all kinds of scriptures that encourage correction.

We should never withhold correction from a child, but we should avoid punishment at all costs.

When you choose to exercise punishment, think about how punishment has hurt you and how it was destructive, then think of a constructive way of teaching the child. Willful disobedience may have consequences, but the consequences should be done to bring repentance, instruction, and encouragement to do good.

Rodney Calmes

Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture

Bringing Up Children Biblically Based On The Original Language And Full Context Of Scripture

To Teach, Admonish, Train, Instruct, Rebuke, Reproof, Guide, Correct, And Chasten

There are more verses on teaching, admonishing, training, reproof, guidance, correcting, and chastening than there are on beating. There is not one verse that says to beat where it doesn't include something about correction or instruction. This would imply that any form of beating or pumishment without instruction is clearly abuse.

As I have studied the Hebrew in the Old Testament and the Greek in the New Testament, more insights will be shed on this topic. I am going to start with Proverbs as we look closely on how we should bring up children on a scriptural level.

When we look at Proverbs 23:13-14 - "Do not withhold CORRECTION from a CHILD, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell."
When we read this in the English we understand, it would tend to suggest that we severely beat our children brutally. I am going to break this down in the original Hebrew to show that this does NOT mean brutal beatings. Keep in mind that if we leave bruises, that bruises CAN form clots that can get into the blood stream which can work their way to the lungs or heart, and CAN cause death. Cuts or lacerations CAN cause infections which can kill also. This alone shows that NO BODILY HARM or INJURY should be done.

Exodus 21:20 - "And if a man beats his servant or his maidservant with a rod (shevet), so that he dies under his hand, he shall surely be punished." This suggests that beaing with rods can be done in a way to cause death according to this scripture. Children die every year from corporal punishment.
I am now going to break this down in Hebrew to show you that it does NOT mean severe beating, and it can imply even non-physical correction. I will also show through other scriptures that the objective is NOT to just spank, but to use a method of discipline or correction that is the most effective for teaching and instructing the child.

The word "Correction" in verse 13 is originally "Musar" (Lexicon 4148) in Hebrew. It means to chastise, reproof, warn, or instruct". This word is also used in the following verses: Proverbs 1:8, 13:1, 13:24, 15:5, 22:15, and 23:13-14.

The word "beat" in verses 13-14 is "nakah" (Lexicon 5221) in Hebrew. It means to strike LIGHTLY or SEVERELY, LITERALLY or FIGURATIVELY.

The word "rod" in verses 13-14 is "shevet" (Lexicon 7626) which is a branch, a scion, a stick, a staff, or a rod of a shepherd. The rod of punishment was used was also used as a figurative description of when God sent calamities. This would imply that the rod can be used as a literal stick or a figurative meaning for an effective form of correction. (Please note that shepherds used rods to GUIDE their sheep, not beat them. A staff is symbolic for authority, therefore, it implies the parent to have godly and Christ-like authority over their children.)

Gathering this information on Proverbs 23:13-14, we see that the emphasis is on correcting a child in a way that is effective, and it gives room for physical or non-physical form of correction. This is NOT locked in to a severe form of physical punishment. We will look on a little further starting with more from the Old Testament.

Let's look at Proverbs 29:15 - "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

Reproof in Proverbs 29:15 is "Tokhechah" (Lexicon 8433) which means correction, refutation, proof, rebuke, or reproof.

To refute is an act of proving wrong.

Rebuke is a sharp disapproval or criticism of someone because of their behavior or actions.
Correction is to put right an error or fault.

Reproof is an expression of blame or disapproval.

REPROOF IS A MILDER FORM OF REBUKE. This would imply that there is a range of milder correction to severe as well. We see that it is NOT locked in to a severe form of correction.
Let's look at Proverbs 29:17 - "Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul."

In this verse "Correct" is "yasar" (Lexicon 3256) which means to chastise, reproof, discipline, chasten, instruct, warn, correct, punish, physical enforcement, or verbal reinforcement.

To CHASTISE means to rebuke or reprimand severely, to punish, especially by beating. To CHASTEN means of a reproof or misfortune - have a restraining or moderating effect on, to discipline or punish. CHASTEN is a MILDER form of CHASTISE. We will see verses suggesting CHASTENING our children, but we will NEVER see verses suggesting CHASTISING children, there is a huge difference. CHASTISING or severe beating is for CRIMINAL ADULTS.
Discipline means the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of conduct using punishment to correct disobedience.

Proverbs 29:17 would also allow for milder or severe correction in and of just the verse. We will look at other Old Testament and New Testament scriptures to put things in a better perspective.

Another scripture with this Hebrew word would be Deuteronomy 8:5 - "So you should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. This scripture shows that God deals with us as a father should deal with his children.

Notice "CHASTEN" and not "CHASTISE" in this verse. As we discussed, CHASTEN is milder than CHASTISE.

Proverbs 3:12 - " for whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights."
This verse "Correct" uses the Hebrew word "yakhach" (Lexicon 3198) which means to be right, to argue, to decide, justify, or convict. This would imply that the Lord convicts us of sin and through His word advises us to make right or repent of our sin issues, just as a father ought to convict his children of their sin and instruct his children to make right or repent of their sin issues.
Another thing to consider is Proverbs 17:10 - "Reproof is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool."

This is to show that even giving a fool a severe beating would prove to be ineffective. It is more effective to give a wise man instruction. As we look with some insight, no matter how much you beat a person without instruction, it doesn't do any good. Instruction is more effective than just beatings.
Another thing to consider is Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." This is also suggesting that we do not correct or teach a person with harshness. We should never, ever use harsh words on someone. Doing what is necessary to bring repentance is one thing, but harshness is another. Any form of harsh language, wrath, or anger is abuse.

Other words used for teaching and instructing are as follows in the Old Testament:
"Shanan" (Lexicon 8150) - to inculcate (instill by persistent instruction) or to teach diligently. Found in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 - "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

"Yada" (Lexicon 3045) - to know, observe, care, recognize, instruct, punish, acknowledge, acquaint, advise, answer, appoint, assure, perceive, understand, acquire knowledge, know, discern, be acquainted. This is found in Deuteronomy 4:9 - "Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and grandchildren; "

Going on to Deuteronomy 4:10 - "especially concerning the day you stood before the Lord your God in Horeb, when the Lord said to me 'Gather the people to Me, and I will let them hear My words, that they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on earth, and that they may teach their children." Learn and Teach in verse 10 comes from "Lamadh" (Lexicon 3925) which means to learn, to study, to be accustomed to, teach, instruct, train, to practice, to be taught, or to be trained.

Another version of teach in the Old Testament is "yara" - to teach or point out. This is found in Leviticus 10:11 - "...that you may teach the children of Israel all the statutes which the Lord has spoken to them by the hand of Moses."

What we have seen through the Old Testament so far is that the Bible puts much more emphasis on teaching than on beating our children. Not once do we see beating in a verse without having some word that represents teaching or instruction. This clearly shows that beating without teaching is abuse for sure. We have also concluded that causing bodily harm or injury is abuse just by looking at Proverbs 23:13-14 and Exodus 21:20 very closely within its own context. To get more insight, we will look closely at the New Testament.

Understand that the New Testament backs the Old Testament and the Old Testament backs the New Testament. This is why we must take the context of the New Testament and the Old Testament together in context.

We are going to look at the following scriptures in the New Testament. Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, 2 Tim 3:16-17, and Hebrews 12:5-11.

I want to first of all look at 2 Tim 3:16-17 - "All Scripture is given by the inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."

Doctrine comes from "didaskalia" (Lexicon 1319) which means instruction, doctrine, learning or teaching.

Reproof comes from "elegchos" (Lexicon 1650) which means proof, conviction, evidence, reproof, to change on the basis of which one is convicted and the manifestation of the truth on that charge.

Correction comes from "epanorothosis" (Lexicon 1882) which means to get right again (repentance), correct, to make right, correction or amendment to that which is wrong in a life.

Instruction comes from "paideia" (Lexicon 3809) which means to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or by deed. This word was also used for "training" in Ephesians 6:4 and for "chasten(ing)" in Hebrews 12:7,11.

Our teachings, correction, reproof, and instruction in righteousness all comes from scripture. We ought to use the scriptures to teach, correct, reprove, or instruct anyone whether child or adult.
Let's look at Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the TRAINING and ADMONITION of the Lord."

We have seen that training meant to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or deed.
We will also look at "Admonition" which in Greek is "nouthesia" (Lexicon 3559) which means CALLING ATTENTION, MILD REBUKE or WARNING."

Admonition is NOT a harsh rebuke or that would contradict "MILD" within that definition. Seeing this scripture alone would indicate that we ought to deal with our children in a MILD manner. When we compare this to Proverbs 23:13-14, this would also indicate that to "beat" would mean to give them a mild strike or prodding to get their attention, then warn them of their disobedience or defiance. To beat them severely would contradict this verse. ALL SCRIPTURE must FIT TOGETHER. This is why we CAN'T TAKE SCRIPTURE OUT OF CONTEXT. It is important to take the FULL CONTEXT of scripture to get its true meaning.

I want to look an another scripture similar to Ephesians 6:4, which is found in Colossians 3:21 - "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

The first part of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 would appear to say the same thing in English, but going back to the original Greek, they say two different things.

Ephesians 6:4 "provoke" is "parorgizo" (Lexicon 3949) in Greek, which means to anger along side or enrage. This would indicate to not take your anger out on your children or to make them angry by showing your anger towards them (anger along side). It is also meaning not to enrage your children and not enrage yourself along side them.

Colossians 3:21 "provoke" is "erethizo" (Lexicon 2042) which means to stimulate to anger or provoke. This would indicate that we should not do things to aggravate our children or arouse their anger. This happens by teasing them such as holding out candy and pulling it away when they reach for it, harsh words or harsh treatment (see Proverbs 15:1) which stirs up anger. Bullying our children also stirs up anger. There are other things that stirs their anger that we should not practice.
We also ought to look at Galatians 6:1 - "Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you be tempted."
Seeing this, we ought to address people in a spirit of gentleness. NEVER SHOULD ANGER OR HARSHNESS BE EXERCISED AT ANY TIME. Firmness may be necessary at times to address an ISSUE, but NEVER to tear down a person.

Tearing down a person or shaming a person is SIN regardless whether they are a child or an adult.
We are now going to contrast how a father should deal with his children and how God deals with us, which should be very similar to each other. We will look at Hebrews 12:5b-11 to start.
Hebrews 12:5b-7 - "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?"

In these verses, we see 2 definitions for chasten. One word is "paidero" (Lexicon 3811) which means to train up a child, educate, or discipline.

The other definition is "paideia" (Lexicon 3809) which means to instruct, chasten, or correct by word or by deed.

"Scourges" in verse 6 comes from the Greek word "mastigoo" (Lexicon 3146) which means to flog literally or figuratively. This means that correction may not be pleasant at times.
We will read further from verse 8-11.

Hebrews 12:8-11 - "But if you are without chastening of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

"Corrected" in verse 9 comes from the Greek word "paideutes" which means to instruct, correct or chastise.

Looking at verse 10, our earthly fathers chastened us to what was best for them, not necessarily what was best for us, but yet we respected them. God chastens us for OUR profit, for what is BEST for US. God looks after OUR welfare, where most of our parents looked after THEIR welfare or what was CONVENIENT for THEM whether it was best for us or not. This is a form of abuse that most parents if not all parents are guilty of. God does the true job of a parent, which is to look for the welfare of His children and do what is best for His children, not what is best for the parent.
Observing this passage implies is that God teaches, instructs, and corrects us as a father should do to their children. God doesn't beat us then ridicule us. God doesn't beat us then leave us to figure it out. God is specific in His instruction through His word and through His Holy Spirit who dwells in us. We also never experience surprise beatings when we had no knowledge of wrong doing. God deals with us graciously and prudently. We will cover soon how God teaches us and corrects us.

First of all, I want to look at 2 Samuel 24. We see first of all in verse 10 that David KNEW he sinned. Verse 12-15, God allowed David to suffer consequences for his WILFUL DISOBEDIENCE. Then through His grace and mercy in verse 16, He RELENTED the consequences from CAUSING DESTRUCTION. God only gave David what was necessary to teach him and held back the rest. The motive was to TEACH and GUIDE away from DISOBEDIENCE.

God does NOT punish His children, nor does He take His wrath out on them.

2 Peter 2:9 - "then the Lord knows how to deliver the godly out of temptations and to reserve the UNJUST under punishment for the day of judgment."

In this verse, punish has the Greek word "krisis" - decision, justice, accusation, condemnation, damnation, and judgment.

Other accounts for punishment include the following:
Matt 25:46 - "kollourion" - penal infliction, punishment, torment.
2 Cor 10:6 - "ekdikeo" - to vindicate, retaliate, or punish.
2 Thess 1:9 - "dike" - right, justice, judgment, punish, vengeance.
Hebrews 10:29 - "kimoria" - vindication or penalty.

When we see punishment, it is for those who rejected Jesus, and those who removed themselves from His family by their rejection of Christ. We are considered sons, therefore God will not punish us. We ought not to punish our children either. There is a difference between chastening and punishing. I will cover that in another post.

God does NOT deal with us with wrath.

1 Thess 5:9-10 - "For God did NOT APPOINT us to WRATH, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him."
Wrath is "Ogre" in Greek (Lexicon 3709) - desire, violent passion, punishment: anger,indignation, vengeance, wrath.

There are many other scriptures with "wrath" (ogre) in it. This includes the following: 1 Thess 1:10, John 3:36, Romans 1:18, Romans 5:9, Ephesians 5:2, Colossians 3:6, Rev 6:16-17, Rev 11:18, Rev 16:19, Rev 19:17.

All of these clearly show that wrath is only for those who rejected Jesus. Wrath is NOT for God's children.

This indicates that God will not take His wrath out on us, and He will not deal with us in anger. The Bible is also clear that dealing with children with anger is a sin and it is abuse.
God also deals with us with grace and mercy.

1 Peter 2:24 - "...who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness -- by whose stripes you were healed."

We see that Jesus took on our sins and paid the punishment for us. He forgave us, and gave us a clean slate. When we choose to not forgive our children and leave their sins hanging on them, that is abuse. Not forgiving our children is abuse. We deal with the issue in a way that will teach them and encourage righteousness, then drop it and NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. Bringing up the issue after that is ABUSE. Our job is not to punish, because Jesus took our punishment. Our job is to do what is necessary to teach them and to correct wilful disobedience and sin, to encourage righteousness and obedience to God's word, and correct our children in a way that looks out for the best for them. That is how God deals with us.

God is love. His greatest demonstration of love is giving His only begotten Son to die for us on the cross (see John 3:16). When we read 1 Cor 13, we see that anything done without love is meaningless. We must deal with our children in love no matter what they have done. When love is absent, abuse is present. It may be hard at the moment when our child does wrong, but even then, we must deal with them with love, and deal with them in a way that is effective to teach them. We must NOT deal with them in ANGER.

James 1:19-20 - "Therefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; FOR THE WRATH OF MAN DOES NOT PRODUCE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD."

There is a lot of information here. When you witness a church or pastor saying that it is Biblical to abuse children, please feel free to share this information with them. I hope this can help put things in better perspective in how we deal with children.

My next post will contrast between punishment and correction. You may find that useful also.
God bless you, and my prayers are with you.

Rodney Calmes