The Aftermath from Abuse and Bullying

The Aftermath from Abuse and Bullying

　

Introduction:

Our Childhood years in many ways makes up the foundation of our lives. We must always love and care for our children well. When our bodies are not being respected, and our person is not being respected, it becomes instilled in us to think less of ourselves. From early childhood on, our skills develop. We learn by what we are taught and what is done to us. Healthy children are ones who are disciplined for their sins, but their bodies are respected when disciplining them. The discipline may produce a sting, but does not harm them. They are respected as a person, therefore nothing negative is said about their person. They are never called names, they are never belittled in any way. They are instructed that what they did was wrong, they are instructed about what they did, then they receive their punishment for it, then they are reassured that they are loved. After the punishment, their sin is never brought up again - that promotes forgiveness.

Some of the side effects:

When I was younger, in my first years of life, I had an absentee father, and he tended to favor my brother over me at that time. My mother was a loving mother. There were times I was made fun of and had many negative things said about me by various family and relatives. I may not have understood at the time what was happening. My mother divorced my dad when I was 4, and my dad had custody because my mother was not able to take care of us, so I was left at my grandparents, where I took severe spankings that caused harm. My body was not respected. I was often told “what in the hell is the matter with you?”, which was degrading to me as a person rather than addressing the sin. I went to live back with my mother after then. I was always reminded of what I did wrong, even 6 months after it happened at times. I was told “I cannot believe you did this! I cannot believe you did that!”. It was like a grudge was held against me for a long time after I did things even though I cannot do anything to change the past. Even if I repented, I would still hear about it. These things could be the roots of my lack of social skills as I started to enter school. I became withdrawn, and did not say anything in school. Even when gifts were being handed out to other kids in school, it would be my turn, and I would be afraid to receive it, but I reluctantly received it anyway. I was happy with the gift I received from the teacher. I also had feelings that I was not worth receiving that gift. I also feared being punished for taking that gift. I had a hard time reaching out to other kids, and was withdrawn from them.

My unstable family life and moving around has caused much of my instability in my early childhood years and my early school years. I spent my first year in school in a school for the mentally handicapped. I later on, went to another school for about 3 months where I had a teacher who was not patient with me. She never took the time to teach me things, but expected me to do them. Tying my shoes was the major issue I had. She quick ran through it by showing me quickly without having me do it to learn it, and I was punished after that for not being able to tie my shoes. I missed many gym classes and fun activities from it. Many times I came home crying from school, so my mother put me into a different school. I had teachers at that school who were more patient with me. I was often picked on and laughed at by other kids, which made me feel more worthless. I accepted people being mean to me as normal.

The emotional effects and the inability to accept love and kindness:

The feelings and emotions I had gone through was that I was many times saddened and hurt by the things done to me. I could never talk about them, because it would hurt too much, so I tried to hide them and pretend everything was fine. I had learned not to express my feelings. I figured hiding my feelings would make me feel better. I pretended things were well when they were not. This lead me to become more withdrawn. I hung around with trouble makers because I felt I could never find good friends. I felt trouble makers are better than no friends at all. I eventually came into survival mode and became emotionless like a robot. I just lived to exist. Even though my mother and step dad were loving people, and they loved me with all their heart, I could not develop a real relationship with them. I tried to hide too many things, and was not myself even with my family. No matter how much they tried to encourage me, it did not work.

My mother and step dad both tried to tell me that they loved me no matter what. I would ask them “What if I did this, or what if I did that, or even what if I killed someone?”. I thought they were lying to me. I did not believe in unconditional love, and I was going to prove them wrong. I recall thinking like that when I was 10. I said things about my step dad to make him look bad at times in my life, because I thought he would not love me if I did that enough. I planned to push him to the breaking point, to prove myself right. I also remember instances where I had done mean things to him and had him in tears. I had told him that I hated him, even though I did not. I just wanted to prove that unconditional love did not exist. My mother and step dad got divorced when I was 19 and I meddled with her relationships to see if I could drive her to the breaking point. I eventually got them both to the breaking point, and then I backed off since then. I felt I proved myself right, and I felt there is no unconditional love.

My parents took me to counselors. I had an abusive counselor when I was 10. He never did anything physical to me. I did realize that I had a loving mother and step dad. I did not want to leave that home. He often told me that I was going to a mental institution, and I would never see them again. He told me that he hated me, and that I was going to hell. I would leave crying. I would cry every day for about 3 months thinking I would be taken from my home and never see my family again. My mother got wind of that, and took me away from seeing him. I never trusted counselors since.

I never had any real relationships with anyone. Even when my mother and step dad tried to get me to open up, I never would. I only had a superficial relationship with them. They would share things in their lives or share with me if something was bothering them, but I would never share if something was bothering me. I would try to hide it. When another person tried to show sincere kindness or love to me, I would shy away, and it did not seem right. In my 9-10 year old range, I would do mean things to those who tried to show kindness, thinking it cannot be real. I have also done mean things to others who minded their own business. There was a kid in school that I was friends with and he was also picked on, and I thought I was picked on because of him, so I turned on him and did mean things to him. I regretted that deeply for many years. I became more hardened as time went on. If someone tried to reach out to me, I was unreachable. I sat off alone and never said much of anything. I never thought I was too good for anyone, but I thought I was not good enough for anyone. I was always polite to people and from my high school years forward, I would never hurt anyone. I would do anything I can to help someone, but would never seek help. I would never seek help from others because I thought I would be an inconvenience to them, and I was not worth having someone help me. I felt this way throughout high school and college.

The emotional healing process begins:

When I came to accept Jesus, and read John 15:18-25, I saw that God loved me. I felt I had no one at that time. It was hard to accept that God loved me. I thought “How could God love someone like me? I cannot be worth anything to Him.” Every time I would hear of God’s love, I would cry. I later was able to accept it. I was accepted by people in the church, and that was the only place I could be accepted. I have learned to treasure that. I started to open up. I opened up to my mother and started to talk about feelings with her, and her heart was blessed by that. We developed a close relationship. I developed a close relationship with my maternal grandparents. My maternal grandparents were also very kind to me. I have made pursuits to have a relationship with my dad, but he never had time. I became reattached from my feelings, and got my emotional healing when I gave all the things I went through to God. I was 27 when this happened. I gave it to God and forgave all who wronged me. I also had to understand that God was going to work this all out for good. Romans 8:28-30

The psychological/mental effects, things that were instilled in my mind:

I thought of myself as a worthless human being. I felt I did not deserve anything good. I thought bad things were my lot in life. I felt I was not normal, and inferior to other people. I felt everyone else was better than me, and I would never measure up. I thought that no matter what skill I had that everyone else would be better than me at it. I also felt that I would never amount to anything. I will have to try hard in order to make it in this world. If I was good at something, it did not seem real. Everyone else seems to have it all together, and I do not. I will just be left in the way side. No one will care anyway. I felt that I will never be able to do anything good enough anyway, so the world would be better off without me. I felt this way for a long time. These are the things that were instilled in my mind as a result of the things I went through. I felt it was not ok to be me. I was not acceptable as a person. There is something wrong with everything about me. I am much more sensitive than most people, so I am not worthy of being considered a person.

Self destructive behaviors:

I have engaged in self destructive behaviors, see both my docs on self destructive behaviors, especially “My Roots in Self Destructive Behavior” I was harmed on my bottom, and it became the target of my self destructive behaviors. I felt I deserved the severe spankings I got, so I punished myself the same way. I would then get flashbacks, and try to convince myself all over that I deserved it, and do it again. The vicious cycle kept getting worse and worse, and the things I did to myself got worse and worse. I have many horrible scars from that, and have to face them. I get fearful of locker rooms today because of that. I was freed form the vicious cycle since I was 29, but I still get cravings for it because of my experience with the adrenalines and endorphins. I get tempted with this often and still fall at times. I constantly have to take my thoughts captive and pray to fight this off.

Trust Issues:

Even though, I was accepted by people in my church, I started to open up. I could never open up to anyone before, because of a lack of trust. I would feel that they would feel that there was something wrong with the way I felt, and I felt I would be further belittled. People would have to be careful on how they handled me, if they handle anything in any wrong way, I would have a hard time trusting them again. If someone shared what I told them to another person without my permission, I would never trust them again. If someone showed any signs of harshness, or signs like they don’t care, I would never trust them again. I would take a long time to get me to a point where I can trust someone. Once I trust someone, I can share even the deepest personal things with them. Today, my wife is that person that I can trust. I have also trusted another person, but when my grandpa died and I had an emotional moment, that person said to me “I cannot believe you are not over that yet.”. I felt belittled by that comment and it made me feel like I cannot share anything anymore with that person without being further belittled. Once that trust is broken, I would never open up again to that person.

Unlearning what was instilled in my mind, and relearning how God sees me as a person:

This is a life long process. It started when I was 24 when I accepted Jesus. I listened to sermons on Sunday and started reading the Bible. I have read the Bible several times over, 1 chapter a day. I have learned that God created me, and what He created was good. God gave me my skill and my abilities to the measure He desired me to have, and He gave me what I needed to do His work that He has laid out for me. God gave me my emotions and He created them in me, that is also good. I am a part of the body of Christ. Each part of the body has its own function, so that the whole body working together can build up the church. God can use me to do great things if I put my trust in Him. God created me to be loved, anyone who has not loved me the way God loves me has sinned. God wants to bless me, I will receive the ultimate blessing when I end up in Heaven and receive my glorious body in heaven. Jesus died for me, and paid a precious price to forgive my sins so I can be in heaven. Jesus would have never died for me if I was worthless. I am very valuable and precious. I am not inferior to anyone, God has created us all equal. We are to be loving and kind. God has a purpose for me, and the world is not better off without me. God uses the love, kindness, and compassion I have to cause great things to happen that will have an effect on many lives. God showed me that I was there for some people who may have not had anyone had I not been there. I was fearfully and wonderfully made by God. See my docs/notes “How God Sees You as a Person”.

I had to slowly learn each one of these things throughout the course of my life time. It was very recent that I could accept myself for who I was, and it was like a slave being set free.

Even thought I know these things, there are many bad things that are still planted in my subconscious, and I have to consistently remind myself these things when these negative thoughts come. It will take time before that gets worked out.

As I continue to live my life, read the Word, and pray, I will continue to unlearn bad things and relearn the good things. This will be a life long process.

God has a work for me and has a purpose for me being here. Living my life for God and for others will bring much satisfaction and fulfillment and joy in my life. I get blessed every time I help someone. Every time a hurting soul is healed, I rejoice.

It is only by Jesus that I could have overcome all this and God has taken me where I am at today.

These are my experiences in my life, now I will share a general conclusion of the aftermath of abuse on the effects it can have on people.

Conclusion:

Abuse and Bullying can lead to many negative effects in a person’s life. It can lead to self destructive behaviors. A long time of lingering emotional hurts, a lack of social skill, leading to further bullying, a lack of self worth, negative feelings about one self, inability to make friends and have relationships, being inferior and timid, lack of confidence, depression, feelings of not being loved, feelings of having no one, difficulty of accepting love and kindness, lack of trust, feelings of alienation and abandonment, inability to deal with emotions properly, or becoming detached with emotions and going into survival mode and becoming like a robot.

Any of these things or a combination of many or even all these things can happen as a result of the aftermath of abuse.

It took a miracle from God for me to share these things on the internet, because I had a hard time sharing these things in person with others. I realize sharing these things helps minister to others who are struggling. I was very uncomfortable at first, but God has helped me with that.

If you ever struggle with these things, know that Jesus has forgiven every sin by dying on a cross for you, and when you put your faith in Him, you are forgiven, and completely clean of all sin. I will also pray for you and try to encourage you in any way I can. You are all loved whether I have known you or not, and if you are in need of anything, I will do anything I can to help you.

God Bless,

Rodney Calmes