The Aftermath of Giving it all to God

The Aftermath of Giving it all to God

　
　

     The first step we need to make in this process is to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. When you accept Him, all your sins you have committed, and all the sins committed against you have been nailed on the cross, you are forgiven of your sins, and you are set free from the sins committed against you.

Acts 10:38-43
38 how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power, who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him. 39 And we are witnesses of all things which He did both in the land of the Jews and in Jerusalem, whom they killed by hanging on a tree. 40 Him God raised up on the third day, and showed Him openly, 41 not to all the people, but to witnesses chosen before by God, even to us who ate and drank with Him after He arose from the dead. 42 And He commanded us to preach to the people, and to testify that it is He who was ordained by God to be Judge of the living and the dead. 43 To Him all the prophets witness that, through His name, whoever believes in Him will receive remission of sins."
NKJV

    The next step is reading the Bible and praying.

2 Tim 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
NKJV

     Many things have been instilled in us as we have grown up and the environments we have been around throughout our lives. We have a lot of bad things instilled in us. In my case, feelings of not being loved, loneliness, self destructive behaviors, feelings of being useless and worthless, thinking there is something wrong with me, etc. Reading the Bible helps us see ourselves how God sees us. 

     Believing and doing God’s Word comes with reading it. Here are some victories God has given me by giving everything to Him.

1. I have unlearned my thoughts of being worthless, and learned that Jesus paid a precious price by dying on a cross for my sins, and no one would pay that price if I was worthless. Jesus considered me valuable, so He did that.

1 Cor 6:20
20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
NKJV


2. I have unlearned my thoughts of being useless, and learned that God has created me for His workmanship and He will use me to do great things.

Eph 2:8-10
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
NKJV


3. I have unlearned that I was not loved, and learned that God loves me even if no one else did. He would not have died on a cross for me if He did not love me. (see John 15:18-25 - later in this post)

John 3:16-17
16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
NKJV


4. I have unlearned that there was something wrong with me, and I have learned that God created me for who I am. He gave me the measure of wisdom and knowledge that He sees that I need, and He uses what I have to accomplish His will. He has given me the gifts and talents He desired me to have and to work that out also for the building of His body. I am a part of that body and I have my functions as that part, and every part of the body has its own unique, useful function. (See 1 Cor 12)

5. I am different than other people. I have learned that it is ok to be different. God has created everyone to be unique, and no two people are the same. Each person is a different part of the body and each person is equally valuable in God’s sight.

Gen 1:31
31 Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.
NKJV


6. Repent of any known sin, change from it. We may have all sinned from the beginning, but Jesus has died and washed them all away. When we have repented and turned from our sin, and Jesus washed them away, we are completely clean of all sin and Jesus sees us as spotless.

Acts 3:19-21
19 Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, 20 and that He may send Jesus Christ, who was preached to you before, 21 whom heaven must receive until the times of restoration of all things, which God has spoken by the mouth of all His holy prophets since the world began.
NKJV

Rom 3:23
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
NKJV

Heb 10:16-17
16 "This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, says the Lord: I will put My laws into their hearts, and in their minds I will write them," 17 then He adds, "Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more."
NKJV


7. I have also learned that God created me for who I am, and what He created was beautiful and good. God has loved me enough to create me in His image, just like He has created you in His image. God has created us all equally in His image and we are all equally beautiful in His sight.

Gen 1:27
27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
NKJV


8. I was able to vent all my hurts over to God. God has lead me through His word to forgive all who wronged me and to pray for them. By doing so, a huge burden was lifted off, and many of my hurts have been healed.

Matt 6:14-15
14 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
NKJV

John 20:23
23 If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained."
NKJV


9. I have learned that God can take all the evil things in our lives and turn them around for good. It takes faith and trusting in Him to work that out, but once you put your faith and trust in Him, those things start to work out. Now I am running my page and groups to reach out to others who have been hurt by abuse or bullying. I have been able to encourage many people who went through different types of trials that God will work them all out by sharing some examples of how God took the abuse I went through and worked it out for good.

Rom 8:28-30
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
NKJV


10. I was also able to come to a point of accepting myself for who God created me to be. God allowed the things to happen to me for a reason, to broaden my understanding of what it is like, so I can minister to others out there who are hurting, and I would be able to understand them. Had I not gone through the things I did, I would not be the person I am today, and what God has done is very beautiful.


11. God has freed me from repeated self destructive behavior, which kept getting worse and worse with a vicious emotional cycle with flash backs. He has freed me from that. I may get tempted to self harm, but He has freed me from that vicious cycle.

The bad things I have unlearned, and the good things I have learned, it takes a long time and much reading of the Bible and self examination to see these things. All these things had to be worked out one by one through the continuous reading of God’s word.


12. My relationships with others have improved. God has taught me the importance of listening to others and also to share in conversations with smaller groups of people. People in church were more accepting of me than anywhere else. My social skills have greatly improved when I was around people who accepted me and I found that being accepted was much easier among other Christians. I was withdrawn at first, but as I got to know people, I became less and less withdrawn. I do not socialize much in large crowds mainly because of noise and I cannot hear people when there is noise, and I get withdrawn because of that. I do much better in smaller groups and one on one with little or no noise in the background. God has sent people to help me in these areas, and also reading His word has helped too. It is more about focusing on others and putting them first rather than putting yourself first.

Mark 10:42-45
"You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their geat ones exercise authority over them. 43 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. 44 And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
NKJV

Mark 9:34-35
34 But they kept silent, for on the road they had disputed among themselves who would be the greatest. 35 And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, "If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."
NKJV


13. I was always a sensitive person and from the abuse and bullying I have taken throughout my life, I have become like a robot where I had no emotions and lived just to exist. When I accepted Jesus into my life, I have seen His love even if no one else loved me. My emotions were restored and my sensitivity came back. The scripture that has helped me realize that I am loved is here:

John 15:18-25
18 "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. 19 If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. 20 Remember the word that I said to you, 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. 21 But all these things they will do to you for My name's sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would have no sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 He who hates Me hates My Father also. 24 If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both Me and My Father. 25 But this happened that the word might be fulfilled which is written in their law, 'They hated Me without a cause.'
NKJV


14. When we have been hurt too many times, we learn not to trust. Sometimes we learn not to trust even those who can normally be trusted. It can be hard to open up and share your feelings with another person when you have had others shoot you down for that. Even when we need someone, we tend not to trust and end up bottling things up. I have learned that there are some people who I can trust - those who I discern to be Godly people, and have been able to open up to them. I have developed close friends from being able to open up to them. I had never been able to develop close friends before coming to know Christ. The close friends I developed have helped me where I was at and helped me to learn how to interact with people.


15. Ability to accept love and kindness - it was overwhelming to me to know that God loved me enough to die on a cross for me and to set me apart from the world because He considered me His child. It was difficult for me to accept love because I thought it was not real. Even when my mother and step dad told me that they loved me no matter what, I had a hard time believing that. I tested their love and found some stumbling points, but then I backed off when I found their stumbling points because I did not want them to hate me. I found out that God truly loves me and nothing can separate me from that love. He died for every sin and He forgives every sin I have committed. I have seen that “Apostle Paul” murdered Christians and God still loved him and saved him from his sins and he is now in heaven. I realize that God loves me too. It took time for me to accept love from others, but now I realize that it can happen and that love is real. 


16. I have grown up getting spanked with blunt objects and when I was about 8 I started to like getting spanked. I did not know why I liked getting spanked at that age, and after studying about that, I found that the spankings with blunt force would have physically triggered some sensations that caused me to like it even as early as age 8. I felt there was something wrong with me because of that and I had asked God to free me from that. God did not free me from that because it was not a sin as long as it takes place between husband and wife, I learned from that experience that we should only call things a sin if the Bible says it is a sin. I have also learned to accept myself for who I am and only try to change sin in my life, and accept the things in my life that are not sins. I also learned what it is like to struggle and learned not to judge others. This whole thing has humbled me, and taught me how to treat others with grace and mercy rather than judgment. I have also learned that I do not have to be ashamed of who I am and I do not have to be ashamed of who God created me to be, I only have to be ashamed of the sin in my life and repent and change that. I also learned that it is ok to like anything that is not a sin. Had I not liked getting spanked from age 8 and forward, I would have fell into legalism and went along with it. I also would have done more judging others rather than treating them with grace and mercy. I have also learned that it is ok to like what I like, even if it is not popular and even if no one else would like it, as long as it is not a sin, it is ok.


Rodney Calmes

Work Place Abuse/Bullying

Work Place Abuse/Bullying

      There may be bosses or managers who hit or sexually harass employees, but the most common form of abuse in the work place is destructive criticism. Many bosses will attack the person or blame the person for their problems. Employees get cussed and sworn at, jobs get threatened, bosses make them feel like they are not good enough, no matter what you do it is not right, knit-picking, name calling, belittling, and making a person feel worthless. Some bosses will cut wages and make a person feel like that they do not deserve their wages. They may make them work extra hours and find something wrong that they did to not get paid for those hours. Taking breaks away and telling an employee that they did not work fast enough to get a break, and making them punch out for their breaks anyway. They may blow up and go ballistic over a minor insignificant thing. People get yelled at in front of others and make public displays of their mistakes and put their names on it. There are also cases where bosses would make fun of the employee and stir up other employees against that one. These type of practices are known as work place bullying or work place abuse.

      Years ago - prior to 2001, the economy was flourishing, and even though there were many bosses like this, a person could quit and find another job relatively easily. Now that the economy is bad, jobs are not readily available, so a person who is stuck in this situation cannot get out without completely losing their means to survive. As our economy is getting worse and worse, these type of things are happening more and more and people are stuck with no where else to go. I, myself have had experiences like this, and would find myself cringing going to work to the point where it would make me sick thinking about work. I have also had good bosses and good places to work where I would almost look forward to going to work.

      There is a time and a place for constructive criticism, which is showing a person their mistake and explaining to them how that mistake could be avoided. When a person is not doing their job, or when a boss gets a bad emloyee, there is a means to address that person. Specific details are needed to show them their fault, and bad attitudes cannot continue. Bad employees need to be addressed immediately and possibly be dismissed before their bad attitudes rub off on others. When bosses take good employees and beat them down, the good employees can get discouraged and production can drop. Good employees need to be reinforced of their good work on a regular basis and when a problem does occur, they may be more likely able to handle the constructive criticism. If only bad things are brought up and not good things, a good employee can get discouraged.

      There may be many of you who may have experienced things like this, and if you have, I will pray for you.

Rodney Calmes

My Roots in Sadomasochism BDSM

My Roots in Sadomasochism BDSM

 

     This may be complicated. I was often spanked as a child, and when I lived with my grandparents I was spanked with a 3 foot stick. I do not recall having any involuntary sexual experiences from that. I was often spanked in school until I was 9. It would be rare if I went a day without being spanked.

     I started to like being spanked when I was 8. I also recall wanting to be spanked with a stick when I was 11, or even experiencing a full blown whipping. I did get spanked up to the age of 10. The first time I spanked myself was when I was 15, and did it more often when I was 18. I was always intrigued by the marks that were left from it, and my curiousity drove me to do more and more each time. I recall having an experience when I was 19, and became more hooked on it. I started seeking it out more and more. It bacame a daily thing eventually until I was 29. I did practice it since the age of 29. I was married at age 31, and later on, my wife stopped it because at times it triggered the abuse I went through with my grandparents and I reverted back to self harm. A lot of the spankings were considered self harm rather than S&M, but I got hooked into S&M as a result of it.

     I had felt ashamed that I got into S&M and thougth there was something wrong with me. I was afraid of being discovered. I often avoided locker rooms. I lived in apartments and tried to avoid using instruments that created a lot of noise. I had someone walk by and hid thinking that they could have seen me spanking myself through a crack in my window. I was afraid to tell someone about it. I was afraid that I would be sent to a mental ward if someone found out. I was ashamed of it and was very nervous about it. I thought there was something wrong with me. Every time I engaged, I thougth "What if the neighbors heard that?" "What if someone hears it through a window and sees me through a crack in the window?" I thought about telling someone, but chickened out. I finally told someone when I was 27, and was extremely nervous. That person was a group leader in my old church, and he told me that anything that is consentual between husband and wife is ok. I seen the numbers of people involved when i did my research paper, but it never sank in. When that person told me that it was more common than I think, and I met someone else who was into it, my nerves were eased.

     I researched the Bible thoroughly on S&M, and there is nothing in the Bible that either condones it or condemns it. I came to the conclusion that it is ok if it is consentual between husband and wife. I was more at peace about it, and accepted that it is a part of me. Smoking is another thing that the Bible neither condones nor condemns. We cannot condemn something that the Bible does not condemn. This was hard for me to share in a public forum, but I know how common it is and I share this in this group, but I will not share this in other groups because it can cause others to be uncomfortable. If you have uneasy feelings about being into S&M or feel ashamed of it, it is nothing to be ashamed of. The triggers are physical, not psychological. It is ok to be you. S&M may be a part of you and that is ok if you keep it between husband and wife and both are consentual. It is only wrong if it takes place outside of marriage, or if someone in the marriage is uncomfortable or not consenting to it.

God Bless,
Rodney Calmes

The Blessings and Struggles of Having a Photographic Memory

The Blessings and Struggles of Having a Photographic Memory

Having a photographic memory can be a blessing. You do not have to study for tests, because you retain a lot of information. You also remember things in vivid details as to when they happened, how they happened, what each person said word for word and things that you read. It is a great advantage when someone needs encouragement and you remember a verse in the Bible and where to find it fairly quickly. I have been blessed with advantages like this for years. When people tell me things that happened, I can remember them, and when someone tells me something that supposedly happened and I have no recollection of it, I have a good idea that what that person told me was false, and I am able to call them on it. You can also recall how you used to think as a small child. For example, when I hear the song “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker, I remember thinking that my uncle David sang that song when I was 4 years old. I also have vivid memories of the cars people drove when I was very young, and other songs that were on the radio that I used to think some aunts or uncles sang. I look back at that and laugh about it.

Some of the struggles that having a photographic memory has is that you remember the exact emotions that you felt when that event comes to your mind. Most people when they see a funny scene, they laugh for a while, then they get over it and when they think about it, it does not phase them. When I see a funny scene in a movie and laugh hard about it, and the memory of that scene comes up 15 years later, I would laugh just as hard as I did at that time because I remember how I felt and I feel how I felt at that time. In good times, that can be an advantage, but when you remember sad moments and bad moments in your life, you also feel what you felt then and that can be a big disadvantage. It makes it harder to cope with the bad things that happened or to get over it. Many people who do not have photographic memories do not understand this, but I talk about this to bring awareness to it. To overcome abuse and bad events in life in combination with a photographic memory, it takes a miracle from God to do it. It is a miracle when someone overcomes it without having a photographic memory, but it is much more a miracle when someone with a photographic memory overcomes it.

I am considering opening a group for those with photographic memories. It would not be necessarily an abuse group, but if I get enough interest, I may consider getting this group going.

God bless,

Rodney Calmes

Who I Am as a Person by Rodney Calmes

Who I Am as a Person by Rodney Calmes

　

I have previously shared my life story in detail, revealing my pasts, the things I have been through, and the things I have overcome with the hand of God. This post is not going to be about that. I am going to tell you about myself as who I am today.

Today, I am a Christian. I have accepted Jesus Christ in my life in 1995, now I am an elder in my church. I like to help others any way I can. I am a very sensitive person, and when I see someone hurt, I also hurt like they do. As a result of that, I want to do anything I can to help them. I like to see people be loved, and to see themselves as God sees them. It hurts me to see someone feel like they are worthless, stupid, useless, or an accident. God sees every one of you as precious, because He would have never created you in His image or died for you to forgive your sins if you were not. God loves you and commands us to love one another as He loves us. I like to see people loved. It hurts me to see someone who is not being loved like they should be. I also like to lead people to Christ, and help them to know that they are forgiven by His shed blood on a cross, so that they can cast their burdens on Him, and not be burdened down by sin. It is my goal to show love, kindness, and compassion on others. It is my goal to help others realize that they are precious and valuable, and to make them feel that way. It is also my goal to let people know that I am there for them, and to make them feel loved and welcomed.

The things I like to do is to hunt – mainly deer hunt, Fish for anything that bites and tastes good. I am not a competitive hunter or fisherman. If I sit in the woods and not see deer, just being there in the nature is satisfying enough. It is my time to surround myself with God’s creation and wildlife, and pray, and gather my thoughts. Being out on the waters, enjoying the serenity – whether or not I catch fish is very satisfying to me. I also like to go on nature walks, drives, or to just be out in the nature. I like the sound of moving waters – that is very soothing. I also like to have camp fires and eat smores. I like to swim and be on the beach as well – especially during the summer.

I am not much into the big city life, or the rat race in the big cities. The farther I can get from big cities, the better. I am not big into sports, but I will watch the Packer game. I do like to ski and golf. My knees are not that good for skiing anymore, so I will no longer be able to do that.

I like to dine out, watch movies or TV, I also like to do internet and computers. I can also do puzzles, play cards and games on rainy days. Sometimes just sitting and watching the nature out the windows of my cabin is also satisfying. I also like to fix things or build things. I am a mechanic by trade. Most of the time, I rig things to make things work rather than fixing it right, because I am tight and like to save money. It is more satisfying for me to junk pick a lawn mower and rig it to make it work than to buy a good one.



I am very easy going, and I could do just about anything. I am more of a passive person, who will go with the flow rather than telling people what I want to do. I am ok with that. When it comes to important issues, then I will plan it and do what I want to do. I am better at taking charge of a situation and doing it than I am at following someone else’s plan or working with them when they are in charge. If I have to do things according to what someone else wants, I am constantly asking how to do it. If I take charge, I know how to do it and get it done.

I am an inquisitive person, and a curious person. I try things to see what will happen, and sometimes some of the things I tried were potentially dangerous. I also research things thoroughly and retain a lot of information. Some people has known me as the “Walking and Talking Encyclopedia”. I also read the Bible and teach it.

I have been on many ministries, and got my feet wet in every area. I have done children’s church at my old church. I have done youth ministries for junior high and high school people. I have been to Haiti on a mission trip. I have preached sermons, and did a sermon in Haiti. I have taught adult bible studies. I have been on the buildings and grounds committee for my old church and mowed lawn and maintained their mechanical equipment. I am now feeling called to minister to victims of abuse, and be there for them and support them any way I can. I will also be pursuing making speeches regarding bullying in schools, sharing my story, and sharing what bullying can do to a person. I will also in my speech share what we can do to prevent bullying, and how we should treat others. I will also in my speech build others up who may be getting bullied. I have not done that yet, but I am pursuing that.

God Bless,

Rodney Calmes

　

　

The Differences Between Parents Doing Their Best vs. Intentional Cruelty

The Differences Between Parents Doing Their Best vs. Intentional Cruelty

　

      Many times we may have been spanked more excessively than we should have been. We may have been belted, spanked with sticks, taken slaps in the face, hits in the head, hits on the hands with objects, or mouth washed out with soap. The Bible does not promote any of this. The Bible promotes spankings with a fresh new growth off a branch - similar to a willow branch, which does not do near the damage, but our parents may have been taught otherwise, and they may not have researched the Bible to see that what they did was excessive. Some parents did not realize that hitting in the head can cause a lifetime of problems, or hitting the hands with an object can cause premature arthritis, or a slap in the face could cause an eye to pop out of its socket if the kid happens to duck the wrong way, or washing a mouth out with soap can cause unfavorable reactions in the body and in some rare cases caused death. Many parents would care and be concerned if they knew that they were putting their child at these kinds of risks, but they just plain did not know.

      Many parents practiced these things above with good intentions, wanting what they thought was best for their children. Many parents handed these punishments down because it was tradition. They did what they thought was the best. I can give my mother and step dad credit for that, and when they realized that what they did was wrong, they repented. I can also give my paternal grandmother some credit as well, even though I got harsh spankings from her. I cannot give that credit to my paternal grandfather, because he was intentionally cruel, and his spankings were much more severe. I could put a rhyme or reason when I got spanked by my grandmother, there was always something I could put my finger on. With my grandfather, I could not put my finger on half the spankings he gave me. He would give spanking because a project went sour and you happen to be present, even though you had nothing to do with it going sour, and he would say “That is for something you did yesterday.”. When I would ask him what I did, he gave me another severe spanking for not being able to figure it out. Another sign I experienced from my grandpa that he was intentionally cruel was when he would take a cigarette lighter in a car and put it in its socket without pushing it in all the way and put his thumb on it, and have me put my thumb on it. This would happen several times, then he pushed it in all they way and had me put my thumb on it and burn it. My grandpa laughed when he saw that I was in pain. That is not doing the best you know how for a child, and I will never give my grandpa credit for that. I will give other examples of things I have known about of things that happened to various people. I will not share names.

Examples of intentional cruelty.

1. Taking their child’s dog and hanging it by its neck in a tree and then when their child gets home and sees his dog dead, he cries, so they take a stick and beat him to teach him that men do not cry.

2. Giving their child permission to build a go-cart, and then telling him to keep that out of his way, or it would go to the junk, so the child puts it in a shed in a corner that is clearly out of the way, but the father takes the go cart and junks it anyway just to hurt his child.

3. Taking a daughter’s cat, killing it and putting it on the windshield of her car.

4. Beating their children because something did not go right, even though it had nothing to do with the child.

5. Using children as sex toys.

      Any parent who practiced things like these 5 things I listed along with my example of the cigarette lighter did not do what they thought was best. They did an injustice. Those type of people do not deserve any credit. They had no regard for their children’s well being, and did not love and care for their children.

      If you have had intentionally cruel parents or grandparents, I will pray for you. Know that the only way to heal from that is to forgive even though they were wrong.

Rodney Calmes

Abuse vs. Discipline

Abuse vs. Discipline


Abuse: There is no control; no respect; no regard for a person's health, well being, or their feelings. Abuse tears down a person and degrades them.

Discipline: Exercises control, has respect for a person, holds a person's health and well being in high regard. Discipline cares about how a person feels, and discipline builds a person up and encourages them to do good.

Here are examples:

Abuse: "What is wrong with you?"
Discipline: "What is wrong with what you did?"

In this example, saying "What is wrong with you?" degrades and tears down a person, you are attacking a person by saying that. Saying "What is wrong with what you did?" attacks the sin, and it only tears down the sin without tearing down the person.


Abuse: "You are no good!" "You are stupid!" "You are nothing but an imbysall!"

Discipline: "What you did was no good!" "What you did can cause problems!"

In this example, when you say "You are no good!", "You are stupid!", or "You are nothing but an Imbysall!", you are attacking the person. You are saying that the person is no good, you are also saying that the person is stupid or that the person is an imbysall. This tears down a person and does nothing to build them up. When you say "What you did was no good!" or "What you did can cause problems!", you are addressing their sin, and you are attacking the sin and not the person.

Abuse: Excessive physical punishment, has no regard for the person's health or well being. Many times harm is done, along with excessive pain. The person dishing out the punishment does not care how much harm they do to the other person and causing harm to a person shows no respect for their body.

Discipline: Physical punishment can be used to inflict a sting to produce repentance, but that punishment does not cause harm, and it is controlled. The person dishing out the punishment has a high regard on the other person's health and well being, and uses a punishment that will sting but not cause harm. The person giving the punishment carefully chooses the punishment and makes sure that the punishment does not harm the person they are punishing.

Whenever you cause harm to a person, or inflict a punishment that can have a potential of harm (example: ear pulling can cause permanent hearing loss in that ear, or hitting in the head can cause a lifetime of problems ranging from early dimensia to being blind) it causes resentment in the child, and you are not showing love by doing that. If you truly loved your child, you would avoid doing things that can cause harm, especially things that can permanently harm your child. When you discipline a child, you show love to that person and it is done to instruct the person by making them want to repent and to learn what is right. You will be respected when you discipline and not abuse.


Abuse: "I don't care how you feel!", "It is my way or the highway!", "There is something wrong with the way you feel!", "You should not feel that way!", "You have no right to feel that way!", "Why are you not over that yet?" or punishing a person for feeling the way they do.

Discipline: "I care about how you feel!", "You can talk to me anytime!", "I will pray for you!", "I care about you!", "It is not easy doing the right thing and sometimes it hurts, but I will support you when you do right!", or "If we follow our feelings all the time, it can lead us to do wrong, it is better to obey the Bible and do right!"

If you do not care about how a person feels, have the my way or the highway attitude, or belittle a person's feelings by making them feel that they should not feel the way they do, you may shut off all communications with that person and cause them to never trust you again. It may cause a person to bottle everything up inside and create many other problems in their lives. When you listen to a person, and show regard to their feelings, you open up communication and trust in their lives. They feel more free to share their feelings and vent rather than bottling it all up.


Abuse: Slandering a person, gossipping, or when a person tells you something out of confidence, you go and tell everyone else what they wanted to be kept secret. Taking what a person says and twisting it to make a person looks bad to others.

Discipline: Gently restoring a person with the Bible when they express their struggles. When they share something in confidence, you keep it between you and that person and do not share without that person's permission. You listen to the person and have high regard and respect for them.

Once you betray a person's trust, you may cause that person to never trust you again. You can betray a person's trust and deeply hurt them by slandering and gossiping about them, or when you tell others things they told you in confidence. By doing this, you have closed off all communications with that person. If you gently restore a person when they express their struggles, and hold a high regard for them, and keep confidences, you open communications with that person and you build relationships with them.

Abuse: Making a public display of a child's misbehavior, telling the world about their faults. Punishing or yelling at them in front of everyone else.

Discipline: Dealing with the child one on one with their misbehavior.

Making a public display of their misbehavior, telling the world about their faults or punishing them in front of others often degrades them. It can set them up for further abuse and bullying from the others who they were addressed in front of and it promotes gossip and slander which also deeply hurts the person and promotes others to sin. Dealing with them one on one saves a lot of gossip and slander, and shows respect for the person. A person will feel loved and respected when being addressed one on one rather than being done in public. If a person is addressed in public, they will be resentful.

If a Christian brother sins and does not repent, there are steps involved, first, address them one on one, then if they refuse to repent, take another brother, then take it to the church if they still do not repent. Many times churches abuse people by publically addressing their sins without seeing them in private first.

Rodney Calmes