Emotional Effects of Abuse, How to Not to Deal With Them, How to Deal With Them Properly

THE EFFECTS OF ABUSE
Stages victims of abuse may go through:

1. Denial - Pretending it never happened, or completely forgetting that it happened. The emotional paini is so strong, that we want to forget about it, but when we are reminded of it by some circumstance, it produces Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The best way to help others overcome the denial stage is to get them to talk about it.

2. Thinking we deserved it: We often try to make ourselves feel better by finding a reason that we deserved it or that it was right for someone to do it to us. That is very dangerous and can lead us to do it to others when others do the things that we thought we deserved abuse for.


3. Acceptance of the abuse and that it was wrong, we did not deserve it, and the person who did it to us was wrong: The first step in healing. This one is very hard because it exposes the emotional pain behind it and many times we break down from it. It is a necessary and crucial step in healing.

4. Forgiveness: Very necessary step to healing, this step frees us from the bitterness of abuse and many burdens are lifted when we have forgiven our abusers in our hearts. That does not mean accepting them back in our lives again to set us up for more abuse, it means not holding grudges against them.


5. God working things out for good: We must trust God to work all things out for good, and later on, He will. He will cause you to be a minister to others in one way or another as a result of what we went through.

Many of us who have been abused, especially childhood situations find healing from that emotional pain when we forgive our abusers, and God uses what we went through to help others, but there is more to it than that. There are many events that take place after the abuse is done. Example: self destructive behavior, lack of self worth, poor social skills - especially if abused as a young child, being picked on by others because we are different. These things also lead to emotional pains that we need healing from. We may have also learned bad things as a result. We have to unlearn the bad things we have learned, and relearn the things we should learn from the Bible. We also have to overcome the emotional pains from the bullying that we got, understand that we are not worthless, but loved and valuable, and one of the hardest things to talk about and find healing from is the self destructive behaviors that we may have engaged in.
Have you ever felt that you were different? Have you been left out, mistreated, made fun of, or alienated by others? Remember that it is ok to be different. You may not have been good in sports like the other kids, or you may have not learned as quickly as others. You may not have had the social skills that others had. Others may have been mean to you because you were different than they were. Remember this: Many of those who were different were very kind, loving, tenderhearted, and compassionate toward others. That may have been you. We are all different, and we all have things we are good at and not so good at. If you are that loving, kind, tenderhearted, and compassionate person, those are the greatest attributes you could have as a person, and those things are worth much more than being a fast learner, good in sports, or having great social skills. Those who have been mean to you have shown that they lack in love, compassion, kindness, and tenderheartedness. Those who were mean to you did not deserve you, you are much better than they are. You are God's special child, and He chose you out of the world because He will use you in great ways. Never forget that!
Has anyone made you feel like you were ugly, or have you ever felt that way about yourself? Think of this: True beauty comes from your heart. A heart full of love, compassion, gentleness and kindness is a very beautiful heart. That is what makes you beautiful. If you are a loving, compassionate, gentle and kind person, then you are a very beautiful person. Think about that!


WHAT NOT TO DO/WHAT TO DO

When someone tells people "Get over it!" they often intimidate the person, we make that person feel that there is something wrong with them because they carry that wound that they don't understand what it is like to carry. They promote silence. That is a lazy way of saying "I don't want to listen to you." "I don't want to deal with you." That is not what true friends do. No matter what someone has gone through the right thing to do is to get them to talk, listen to them, and let them feel free to talk, and gently encourage the person. Help that person move along, encourage them to move to the next step - which is not overnight, but moving them at their pace in which they are comfortable with. Listening to someone is putting the proper dressings on their wounds, and the right disinfectants on it to promote quicker healing. Don't blow a person off by saying "Get over it!", be a good listener to them and encourage them.
Many times we hear from other people "Get over it!". Most of those people have never experienced the deep emotional wounds that abuse leaves. They do not understand that it takes time to heal. Our wounds do not start to heal until we treat them. We may have hidden these wounds for many years, but they are still there. The healing process begins when we start talking about it and going through the emotions behind it. Those wounds hurt. If we pretend they are not there for 30 years, they are still there 30 years later. When we talk about it and accept the pain we went through, that is the first step in the treatment of the wound. Many who have not experienced this type of wound does not understand. You cannot tell a deep wound to stop hurting and expect immediate results. It takes time for that wound to heal and the hurt to diminish.
Many times when we have been abused, and we try to hide it, we go into a survival mode where we become like robots, we just exist physically and are completely empty inside with no feelings. I had this happen to me when I was in my teens. My emotions did not function after what I have been through. I just existed, I did not feel. I was polite to others, but had no feelings, and when my memories were triggered, it was so overwhelming that I went into a complete breakdown. If you are being abused or mistreated, talk to someone. Don't remain silent, don't keep pretending like it never happened, or this could happen to you. I did heal and my feelings got restored, I became a tender hearted person who loves others and wants what is best for them. God restored my heart after I had accepted Jesus Christ into my life and I had been able to exist as a person again rather than a robot. I used to be called "Robot Rod" at one of my work places, but now I became a caring, loving and compassionate person through the work of Jesus Christ in my life. I have been restored as a person.
Many of us who have been through abuse, bullying, or other bad things in life have wondered what we would be like if we haven’t gone through that. We may have wondered what our lives would have been like. Sometimes we long to be the person we would have been if we never gone through that.

We have been violated by others, and what was done to us was wrong, and what happened to us has changed our lives. We have had many struggles, we had to relearn many things as a result. We have felt disadvantaged through life.

Has these things stated above happened to you?

I have something to share with you. What you have gone through has made you a better person. If you would be able to see what you would have been like had the bad things not happened to you and you compare yourself to who you are now, you will find that you are a much better person as a result of going through the things you did. You can relate to others who are going through it. You have compassion on others that you may not have had otherwise. You are loved for who you are now, not for what you might have been if nothing has ever happened to you. You may not realize it at this time, but later, you will see that you will be blessed because of what you went through. You would not be the person you are now had you not gone through that. Do not be ashamed of the person you are now. When you have love, kindness, compassion, and care for others, you are an excellent person! Always remind yourself of that! Look at where you were and how far you have come! That says a lot about you!

Everything happens for a reason, and in the end, you will be blessed, and you will be strong. Remember: you are loved! What you went through will cause you to be a great help to many others that you may not have been able to help otherwise. You are very significant and valuable, and your love and kindness will change the lives of many. Be encouraged by this!
Accept yourself for who you are, and if you carry love, kindness, care, and compassion for others, you are an excellent person. Always tell yourself that!
You may feel healed after sharing your story of being abused, and have received comfort from it, and coming to forgiveness of it, but all the after effects and behaviors and habits you may have engaged in since also have to be broken down and walls have to be broken down, which can take time and patience. Do not rush it, and do not get discouraged if these things do not happen overnight.

God does not make junk. It is sin that makes junk and God redeemed all sin by dying on the cross, so that you are free from sin. You are not junk, but very precious and valuable.

Remember this: John 15:18-25

18 "If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. 19 If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. 20 Remember the word that I said to you, 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also. 21 But all these things they will do to you for My name's sake, because they do not know Him who sent Me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would have no sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 He who hates Me hates My Father also. 24 If I had not done among them the works which no one else did, they would have no sin; but now they have seen and also hated both Me and My Father. 25 But this happened that the word might be fulfilled which is written in their law, 'They hated Me without a cause.'
NKJV

Those who were mean to you hated you because you were set apart for God, and God chose you out of this world to do His will and His work, and you belong to Him.

Remember that any evil you have been through in your life, God can turn that around for good. God can make beauty out of ashes. God can use the bad situations in your life, deliver you from them, heal you from them, and help you to use that as a ministry to others to help them heal. God can use you to make a big difference in the lives of people. Think about that!

There are so many benefits of telling your story. Here are a few of them:
1. Abuse is devaluing. Talking about it is a declaration that you and what happened to you really matters.

2. Your experience may have been denied by others, and maybe even denied by you, but telling your story acknowledges the truth. It’s difficult to deny your abuse once you’ve revealed the secret. Telling the truth keeps you honest with yourself.


3. If you were threatened not to tell, telling helps to overcome the fear of breaking the secret.

4. The secrets you hold actually hold you, keeping you captive to the abuser’s power. Telling is a way to break free from the bond the secret created between you and your abuser.

5. Shame thrives in secrecy. Talking about your abuse helps to cast off the shame, both for yourself and other survivors.

6. Releasing the secret in this area helps you live more freely in other areas.

7. As long as you’re holding onto the secret, you’re also holding onto the pain. Sharing helps you access the feelings associated with your experience so you can release the pain.

8. Abuse is isolating. Telling is a way to connect with others. Having feedback from others heals the pain of isolation and makes support possible.

9. Telling may help you recover new memories and/or help you to see old memories in more detail. Telling the truth often leads to more truth.

Many times when we have been abused, we tend to internalize the abuse - we think it was us. We think we deserved it, we think there is something wrong with us, we think we are bad people, we think we were wrong, we think we were worthless, or that it was our fault.

None of these things are true! It was not you, you are not any less of a person because you were abused! You did not deserve it!

There is nothing wrong with you because you have been abused! You are not worthless, you are very valuable and precious! You are loved! It was not your fault! You may have made mistakes, but abuse is never called for! You had no control of what someone else decided to do to you! No one will think less of you because you were abused! When you choose to love others and be kind, people will respect you even more if they find out that you came from being abused to being a loving and kind person! No one will think any less of you! Look at where you came from and how far you have gone! That is commendable! Give glory to God for that! Do not be ashamed of anything you went through, the person who was mean to you or abused you has something to be ashamed of.
To anyone who has been abused: Many has been abused at different levels at different times in our lives. Remember this: You had no control of what others have done to you. It is not your fault if you have been abused. You may have done things that required discipline, but how others handled that is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you because you have been through this. There is something wrong with those who treated you cruelly. You are not accountable for what others did to you, but they will be accountable for what they did, and you will be accountable for what you do to others. There are many emotional hurts along with physical scars left behind. The only way to overcome is is to understand what happened to you and not try to hide it, then forgive those who have done it to you and trust that God will work all things for good, even if you do not understand why or how He will do it. After you have trusted in God and forgave the people who have done it to you and accepted your past, He will later on show you how He can work it for good.
You may think that this is nuts, but I would encourage all of you to do this: talk out all your thoughts and feelings out loud, even if you are alone. By talking out your thoughts and feelings, it helps you see things clearly, and helps you to release and cope with a lot of your emotions. If there is someone there you can trust, you can talk about it with them, but talking it out and praying can bring much healing. It is ok to cry, crying is a healthy way of releasing pain. I have felt intimidated by doing these things all my life and have dealt with emotions the wrong way, and held it all inside, but I found that I have been released from much pain by talking things out and praying. I would encourage this to help you too.

By Rodney Calmes